Not A Pretty Girl
by alchemy dream
Summary: Transferred to an all girl's school for the fall, Emma follows her hushhush pregnancy stuck between peace, J.T., and passion, Jay, with spiritual help from the Tao. What path will she ultimately choose?
1. Separation Anxiety

**Not A Pretty Girl:Alchemy Dream**

**First and Foremost!**

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My old author note is kinda obsolete now, so I've replaced it with this one. This story used to be about Emma transferring to a Catholic school, but I decided to change that since I didn't know a damn thing about Catholicism, which is unfortunate, but true. It's a fascinating faith, but not mine. Now it's about Emma's study of Shinto and the Tao Te Ching, since it's more peaceful and animistic. So everyone is happy now. Yay!

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Summary: Squint. Look closer. See Emma Nelson for who she is. Lost, confused, but driven and loved. Spike transfers Emma for the fall term to an all girls' school to help her heal and shed her reckless behaviour, but will it be enough to keep Jay from her, or for that matter, J.T.? Can she find purpose through her study of Shinto?

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"What do you suppose the new computers are going to look like?"

"Toby, you're fogging up the window!" Toby cupped his hands around his eyes to see better into the dark school. He could barely make out the Media lab, and the computers were all covered in plastic. "I think they're supposed to be new iMacs." J.T. scratched his head and pulled Toby forward. "Come on, man, we have approximately 4 more hours of daylight before school begins. I would really like to spend this valuable time doing something not school related."

The new high school junior duo swaggered down the stairs, reveling in their superiority. Still best friends after nearly 7 years, J.T. and Toby looked out over the campus of Degrassi. Over the summer, Toby had emerged from baby fat and taken on a debonair tan and build. Still, a geeky air followed him, as everyone figured it would his whole life. J.T., now nearly 6'1" was poised to be the heart breaker of Degrassi, with a warm smile, a diverse posse, and his old, clean sense of humour that delighted girls and women alike. A crimson sky washed the deserted playground in the park across the street. Well, almost deserted.

Her blonde hair fell down her bare shoulders as she pushed herself gently on the swing. Both hands gripped the chains. She had to find something to hold on to. Sensing J.T.'s brown eyes on her, she turned.

Emma Nelson managed a smile, and moved to join them across the street. J.T. noticed how she didn't look out for traffic. He noticed little things like that.

"Hey, guys. Can we get out of here now?" Emma brought her leg up to adjust her flip-flop.

"Yeah, now that I've successfully torn Toby away from the prospect of new iMacs. No wonder you don't have a girlfriend, Tobes."  
"Oh, original, J.T. As if I haven't heard that one every year I've been here."

"Do you still talk to Kendra?"

Toby smiled slightly, memories of the only girl who had ever loved him flooding him, making his wistful.

"I get an email from her every now and then. She's really busy. She's going out for band this year, and maybe volleyball in the spring."

"Oh, cool! I'm going to do volleyball this year too, I think." J.T. stopped suddenly, and looked around.

"Do you guys realize that we are juniors and none of us have cars yet?"

"We don't need cars, J.T. We have feet." Emma smiled. She still had that bit of a environmental goddess in her.

"Didn't stop you from getting rides from Jay last spring, did it? Maybe you were better off walking." J.T. gave Toby the _I-can't-believe-you-just-blurted-that-out_ face.

Emma flinched, and kept walking. J.T. jogged to keep up with her.

"Moving right along, Em did you know that.." She cut him off.

"Everything's cool. I'm past it." Scowling at Toby, his heart skipped a beat, like it did every other time she had lied to him. She had gotten good at lying.

Ascending the steps to her porch, Emma reached in her tote for her cell phone. Three missed calls. She sat on the swing, and navigated the buttons, curious to see who called.

Manny, 3:45. Manny, 4:18. J.T., 4:39.   
_What the heck could J.T. want? We just split up to get home.,_ Emma thought, listening to her voicemail.

"Hey, Em. I sent you a text, I wanted to see if I could borrow your black blazer! I have to give a presentation with Marco tomorrow! Call me back!"

"Hey, Em, nevermind, my mom found one in her closet! Thanks, babe, see you tomorrow! Tomorrow we are JUNIORS! Eeek!" Emma stifled a grin at Manny's excited high pitched shriek.

"Emma Nelson, you totally creeped my water bottle. Are you there? Well, I guess you can have it. Sleep well, knowing that you STOLE my bottle and all. Bye." Looking in her hot pink tote, she saw the top of J.T.'s orange water bottle sticking out. Suddenly, she felt relieved to have a piece of him on her. It made her feel not so alone, not so surreal. Maybe somewhere inside, she was still Emma Nelson, plain and tall. That was why hanging with J.T. and Toby was so crucial today. She felt less afraid to face tomorrow. Taking the bottle out, she shook it, and opened it. She squinted and gazed into it like one would a telescope. The clear liquid swished gently. She touched the rim of the orange plastic to her lip, and turned the bottle up. She felt the cool water run down her throat.

"Em, you need to get in before it gets dark." Her mom stepped out the door with Jack on her hip, gurgling indecipherable words through a smile at her. Spike lingered her gaze a moment on her daughter, her expression a mixture of pain and love. Her eyes caught the younger ones that matched her own, and tore herself away, slamming the screen door shut.

In her dungeon of a room, Emma was frustratedly sifting through her closet for the perfect outfit. She had to look good on the first day. Laying three shirts out on her unmade bed, she stepped back, put her hand on her hip and contemplated. A green tank top with a khaki jacket, or maybe the orange buttondown with the cute flower buttons. Before she could get any further, she felt the nausea again. Running to the toilet, she pulled her hair from her face, and let er rip. Holding her stomach, she pulled herself up. Tears started running down her face.

Why wouldn't the nausea stop? And more importantly, why wouldn't she get her period? She turned to look at the calendar. It was now August 17th. It had been almost 13 weeks since her last cycle. Almost four months. She had believed for the longest time that it was the fact that she was too skinny, that her period was just late. She knew that this couldn't happen to her. She knew that deep down she was not a slut. But she also knew that that night she had sex with him. She remembered it so clearly, and she wish it would go away. She could still smell the cigarettes on his skin, mingling with the scent of sandalwood and waterfalls. She felt a moment of warmth, of purpose, when he looked at her only when he thought she wasn't looking back. She loved that there was fire in his eyes for her, and she liked to think, for no one else. She wondered every day if a condom was used, if it mattered.

Deep down, she wanted him to be the one, after all they'd gone through in only a month. Deep down, she knew he could never be. And so on the surface she pretended to be so over him.

She had saved it for a last resort. When she couldn't bear not knowing any longer. Pulling the drawer of her nightstand open, her hand shuffled underneath the papers, the Environmental Refuge Newsletters, volumes II-XVII. Emma pulled the box out, and stared at it, sitting down softly at the edge of the bed.

_First Response, huh..._

She slid it into her pocket, and crept back to the bathroom. Before she could shut the door quick enough, Snake came down the hallway, and caught sight of Emma.

"Hey, Emma! Your mom made some eggplant stir fry, dinner's in 15, okay?" Emma couldn't find words.

"Uh, yeah, okay!" She nervously shook the box, and quickly realised this was not the thing to do.

"Whatcha got there?" Snake smiled.

"Um, just girl stuff." She smiled back, hiding the pregnancy test behind her back. Snake cocked his head to the side, put his hands up in defeat, and walked away.

Emma hurried in the bathroom, and sighed, leaning against the door.

"Baby, I thought you liked eggplant?" Spike shoveled another forkful of the spicy food in her mouth, eyebrows furrowed in concern at her daughter. Emma looked down at her plate, and smiled.

"I'm not hungry for eggplant...I kinda want a sandwich. A turkey sandwich."

"Em, you never eat meat!" she laughed.

"Well, a lot of things are...changing."

Spike looked nervously at Snake. She gestured for him to speak. Emma looked up at the silence.

"Emma, your mom and I have been thinking...that maybe Degrassi isn't the best thing for you this year."

Emma's eyes went wide, incredulously.

"Well, baby, the thing with Rick, and...and"

"And the STD." Snake clenched his teeth.

"Em, we just can't afford for anything else to happen to you. You need to heal. You aren't going to heal at Degrassi." Emma whimpered, and shook. How could they take her from everything she knew? Everything they knew!

"But you AND Snake graduated from Degrassi! I can DO this, guys!"

"We enrolled you in a great school, it's still in walking distance..."

"NO! NO NO NO! You just cannot do this! The thing with the STD was no big DEAL! I'm a teenager, okay? Things like this happen! You should know, Mom!"

"It's called Volta Redonda Girl's Community.

"Mom, I can't leave Degrassi this year! Everything was just starting to get better!" Emma shouted.

"It'll be a good environment for you this year, Em. You were just lost, misguided. I can't let anything bad happen to you again, baby."

Emma brushed the tears away from her face, and stared first at Snake, who looked past her out the window, to her mother. She couldn't believe this. She couldn't fathom not being at Degrassi. Away from J.T., Manny, and even Jay. She pounded her fist into her lap. A hard object made impact with her wrist, and she remembered. It was too much stress, being away from the people she cared about, on top of...

Emma Nelson sucked her breath in, exhaled, and stood.

"Yeah, mom. We can't let anything else bad happen to me, now can we?" As tears flooded her eyes again, she slammed the pregnancy test down on the dinner table, and walked swiftly down the hall, pulling her door shut.

Please review and tell me what you think! XOXO


	2. Urgent Napkin Poems

Not A Pretty Girl:Alchemy Dream

**Important!**

I kinda changed the story to suit myself mainly, so I'm reposting this. It's better than before in my opinion. And more readable. If you're wondering why, read the new intro in Chapter One. Thanks!

Summary: Spike has betrayed everything Emma knows and loves to save her from trouble at Degrassi. Now a Grade 11 All Girls' School-bound girl, every inch of stable ground under Emma's feet is crumbling. What are her Degrassi friends thinking?

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At approximately 6:15 a.m., Emma came to the conclusion that her life was officially over. Her eyes were heavy and red, from sleeplessness and desperation. It occurred to her around 4:30 a.m. to climb through the hatch window in her basement bedroom, but her will to get up out of bed was not present.

Her mom and Snake had not spoken to her since she dropped the horrendous bomb of her bundle of joy at dinner last night. Her greatest fear was what awaited her on the other side of her bedroom door. How would they react? How _did_ they react?

She knew that Snake would be extremely angry, as he usually was at her. Her and Snake had never really been on perfectly cool terms, and she never quite figured out why. He was a perfect father to Jack, but somehow his fathering talents were lost on her.

Her mom she wasn't quite sure about. Her mom was cool...but not that cool. How should a mom react to her daughter's pregnancy at 16? Negatively of course. She felt ashamed of herself, of the thing growing in her body and how it got there. It was a gross adult thing she never really discussed. As far as Emma was concerned, pregnancy was just something that happened to people who wanted their lives to end, or weren't careful enough.

Right now, she felt like both.

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She heard footsteps outside her door, and stopped breathing.

"Emma." The voice was quiet.

_Just pretend to be dead._

"Emma, it's 6:30, come on. We've got to get going. I've got to get to the salon."

"I thought you said it was in walking distance, Mom."

_Great. Way to be dead, Em._

"It is, Em. But I've got to turn in these forms and pay for your uniform. I don't have cash, I've gotta write a check."

"Uniform!"

"Yeah, Em. It's standard. Come on." The footsteps faded down the hall. She heard Snake come from the bedroom, walk to the kitchen, pick up his keys, mutter a few words to Spike, and then shut the door. Relieved, she slid out of bed, and put on an orange corduroy jacket over her clothes she wore yesterday that she slept in. She slid on her flip-flops, gave herself the once over in the mirror, and walked out the door, picking up her bag on the way.

Emma looked out the kitchen window at Snake backing out. She felt insanely depressed and jealous. He was going to Degrassi Community School, the place she'd give anything to go. The place that would hold her best friend, Manny Santos, dressed to kill, no doubt, for the first day. James Tiberius Yorke, her oldest friend, would be lounging on the steps, telling joke after joke, idly fidgeting with his skateboard, reveling in the eager stares from underclassman girls admiring his summer tan and shaggy hair. Toby Issacs, finally admitted in the front doors, one step closer to the new iMacs, dressed in a pressed polo shirt, finally embracing some fashionable style to counter his geeky persona. Sean Ca...no, wait. Sean hadn't returned for this term after the shooting. But still, his existence somewhere in Canada, and the fact that he was still a fresh memory gave steam to her imaginary pity party.

_You know who you really want to see, Em._

She saw him in her mind, leaning cool back into the plush tan leather seats of his red Honda Civic, with 16 speakers, the loud music of his favourite band, Sparta, blaring into the atmosphere.

_You want him to know._

It shook her bones, zooming in closer into the car in the parking lot, to see his short chestnut coloured hair, the 2 day old stubble on his face, and then...

_No, please. Please. _

...then, the smoke that crawled from his lips, the ruddy cheeks, the clear eyes that shifted in her direction.

Jay Hogart.

A tear formed in her eye.

On the table, sat the test, unmoved from the night before, looking very curious on the crochet table cloth. She tore her eyes away and followed her mother out the door.

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"Here, Emma, hold these. We need to give these to the lady at the desk when we get there." Emma took the stack of papers, and sifted through them. Proof of address, Degrassi transcript, just in case Hatzilakos forgot to fax it. It all seemed so easy, so effortless. End all joys of her Junior year with a swift thoughtless signature on the dotted line.

"Mom, you realize how unfair this is. I don't see what going to an all girl's school will do for me anyways. Last year was harmless. I'm fine now. I cant DO this!"

"Maybe, but Volta Redonda is the best school in the entire Toronto area, with a great reputation. It boasts a ton of kinda avant garde classes."

"Mom..."

"You could even take Portugese, Em! They have an Environmental Club just like DCS, and it's pretty well known. It'll be perfect."

"Mom, in case you were brain dead during dinner last night, I'm pregnant."

"I don't want you to even mention that right now." Spike kept her eyes on the road, running a nervous hand through her shoulder length brown hair.

_Well, that's that. _

Emma was rather surprised that the homely matron behind the counter in the office of VRGAcademy was exactly what she had expected. She flipped through a pile of stapled forms, instructing them both to sign where she x-ed, photocopied the documents the Nelsons' had brought from home, stamped them, looked over her large wire rimmed glasses, double checking each paper, until finally she was satisfied and handed Emma a 3 piece uniform, all in size smalls. The uniform was a black, cream and pale blue-grey plaid knee length tartan, pleated in all it's school girl glory, a white buttondown long sleeved shirt with the embroidered school logo, a shield with 'VRGA' in script in black, and black cardigan with the school shield. Emma sighed noticeably, and went into the washroom to change.

The hallways were marble floored and wood paneled, large doors and trophy cases lining the walls. Emma felt very small, and very alone. It still had not seeped into her that this was her new daily reality. She felt pangs in her arms and sides, as her brain tried to match the school's features to Degrassi's, finding no similarities, and giving up. She looked to her left and found the washroom, took a breath, and pushed the door open. She had a feeling she'd be spending a lot of time in here this term.

But to her dismay, she did not see emptiness, but three girls, sitting up against the wall smoking cigarettes, their legs wide open in a rather unladylike stance. They did not look too happy to see her either, but they said nothing, dismissing her. Emma quickly ducked into a stall, and changed into her new costume. Instead of the new cardigan, she pulled on her orange corduroy jacket again, and slid on her pink flip flops. Stepping out, she looked into the full length mirror.

_What a dork.  
_Glancing at the other girls, she noticed they wore long white socks and black loafers. She looked at her feet in the mirror, noticing the chipping green nail polish on her wiggling toes, and how awfully the flip flops clashed with the tartan. A burst of laughter came from the girl on the left, confirming her fears. She was now the dorky new girl.

"Nice ensemble, babe. You the proud recipient of a 'fresh start' at VR too?" The other girls laughed, the one on the left taking a drag from the cigarette.

"Are you new here?" the girl to the right said, getting up to her feet, clicking her shiny black heel.

"Yes, unfortunately I am." Emma continued to avoid their gaze, and pulled her long blonde hair back in a mock ponytail.

"Well, you better learn to dress right. They put a zero-tolerance uniform policy in the handbook last year." Emma sighed, and picked up her bag. "My name's Lindsey." Suddenly, there was a perfectly manicured tan hand in front of Emma. She turned to look at what it was attached to. Lindsey was around 5'9, taller than she was! She had dark skin, thickly lined green eyes, and black hair. She had an exotic beauty emphasized by the combination of spicy perfume and cigarette smoke. "Who are you?"

"I'm Emma."

"Where did you come from?"

"As of yesterday, I went to Degrassi Community School."

"Mmm, a public school girl." said the girl from the center. "Just stick with us and you'll get the hang of it." She had short, boy cut brown hair, and a very slender frame. "I'm Irene."

"Hey," Emma said, suddenly surrounded by these model images of beauty and rebellion. They were the ones that knew how to do it right. They reminded her of Alex.

"We aren't friends." The first girl with the cigarette stuck her firm hand out, charm bracelets jangling around her wrist. "Rowan."

"Ladies, 6:57." Irene took one last look in the mirror, touching a smudge of lipstick.

The girls followed Lindsey out into the now crowded hall. She took Emma's hand with her cold smooth one.

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Upon stepping out into the traffic, Emma noticed the electric estrogen that flowed through the hall. Never before had she experienced so many girls in one place before. Emma passed the office, watching her mother fill out forms. It pained her to think that her mom was so different from all the other moms here. These moms were college graduates, they married at 24, brought their sons and daughters into a world with a mom AND a dad. These moms were lawyers, shop owners, nurses, teachers. These moms had B.A.s in Christian science, and law, M.F.A.s in history and language, and P.h.D.s in medicine. She looked at her mom, with the wrinkled brow, the mocha hair with the obvious red highlights, in her cropped jeans and hooded sweatshirt, her mom that worked 2 jobs, one at a salon and the other as a receptionist at the T.I.E.S. (Toronto Institute of Environmental Science). She suddenly felt very alone and inadequate.

As Emma sat in homeroom, fidgeting her toes, worrying that she wouldn't fit in, 3 blocks away, 16 speakers lustily massaged an anxious young man's ears, 4 minutes before the bell.

As Emma flawlessly concocted a dialog without a partner in French 11, the young man made eye contact with his ex-girlfriend Alex in the hallway, while finding excuses to pass Emma's old locker.

As Emma grimaced at the board in Algebra II, which spelled out that her evening was about to be full of fun-filled polynomial exercises, the young man discussed the results of his summer school courses with Hatzilakos, in secret hopes that this would not be his last glance at Degrassi.

As Emma negotiated in the main office the obvious face that she had already taken Physical Education and its replacement with a Writer's Craft class, the young man caught sight of Mr. Simpson in the hallway by the Media Immersion room and ducked around the corner, an obscure fear gripping his heart.

As Emma daydreamed of her future as a lawyer in Law I, the young man wondered how his best friend was in Wasaga, and daydreamed of just leaving Armstrong's class to pick him and Emma up, and driving as far away as a tank of gas would take them.

As Emma became enraptured with the purity of Asian mythology in Spiritual Studies, the young man sat in his car at the far end of the parking lot feeling enlightened in the grips of the joint he smoked, the first one in months.

As Emma sat in the bathroom stall, in tears over her overwhelming confusion over Chemistry II, the young man glared vehemently at the year 11 shaggy haired guy he knew hung around with Emma as he, the geek and the slut congregated by his locker. Idiots.

As Emma laid back in her chair, waiting for the last bell in Canadian Lit, the young man wrote down an urgent napkin poem for his eyes only.

And as Emma climbed the hill, barefoot to her house, she felt empty and lost, knowing if not for the auto pilot her feet were on, who knows where she would end up.

And as the exact memory of freckles and eye color faded, Emma vowed to forget him.

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Let me know what you think! And thanks for your patience! XOXO


	3. Skyye Nelson

**Not A Pretty Girl:Alchemy Dream**

Summary: After Emma's lonely first day at school, she wants nothing more than to get home and sleep until tomorrow, which she has a good feeling will be Hell, Pt. 2. However, a certain best friend will not rest until she knows why Emma was not at school on the first day. Can Manny actually give Emma just the boost she needs to get through this social shift?

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"Emma, this is the 5th time I've called you, and hon, if I have to make it 6, I won't be happy. Call me back!"

As she trudged up the hill to her house, Emma noted how similar to Paige Manny was beginning to sound on her phone. She carried in her hand her flip flops, which had flipped out during the course of her first day at Volta Redonda Girl's Academy.

The sun was bright and warm on her shoulders and face, there was a slight breeze sweeping her new skirt around, and she could feel the hot rocky pavement under her feet as she walked. Emma passed a car parked by the curb, and caught her reflection. She stopped and looked at herself in the truck's window. She felt trapped inside a body she didn't belong in, with her odd uniform, long stringy blond hair, completely lacking body and shine. Her eyes looked saggy in the sockets, from sleeplessness and a general distraughtness that had taken her over. Only a soft sigh emerged, and she continued up the street to the third house down. Her house. Where...Manny sat in her porch swing.

"Emma Christine Nelson, where have you been?" Manny stood up. Emma smiled at her, noticing her prediction had come true. Manny looked hot. She wore a denim minidress, an oversized belt and a black blazer with a pageboy cap.

"Wow, Manny...you look..."

"Emma! Hello! Why didn't you tell anyone you weren't going to be at Degrassi this year?

Emma stood there for a moment, and then sat on the swing, rubbing her sore feet.

"I didn't know. Not until last night."

"But WHY! Why aren't you here? I mean, Mr. Simpson told us you weren't going to be back when we asked, but he didn't tell us why!"

"They think..." sigh. "They think it will help me heal from Rick and..."

"And Jay." Manny finished.

"Yeah."

"Can't you just listen to some angsty music and move on? Like we all do?"

"Hey, Manny, it isn't like I want it!"

"Well...just so you know, J.T. and Toby almost had a heart attack. J.T. wouldn't stop asking me. Oh, and he said he wants his water bottle back."

"I'll get it to him. I was gonna wash it."

"How...nice of you. So, since I can't bug you every day at school, I gotta bug you here. What are we doing tonight?"

"Uh, a lot of nothing, Manny. I have to do approximately eight billion Algebra exercises, and find some loafers."

"Loafers? Ew. Why?"

"For school...it's uh, an All Girl's School. We have to wear a uniform."

"Wait, you mean VR Academy? Ew. No boys. Poor Em. Look, I think I have some loafers from like, year 8. What size do you wear?"

"An 8."

"Well, they're a 7 ½."

"That's good enough." They both sighed. Boredom crept into Manny's expression.

"So, want a pedicure, anyways? You do your math thing, I'll buff and polish." Smiling broadly, Emma nodded.

"That might be just what I need, Manny."

"Okay, I know you like this, Emma, but you need a new colour. You pick it every time."

"But I like blue."

"Tonight...I think your colour is going to be pink. It'll go better with your sexy new uniform."

"Ugh. I don't want to look at it."

"Well...we could alter it, make the skirt shorter! Make you a bad-ass private school babe! Just like in a..."

"..porno? No thanks, Manny. Just...paint."

"But this is so exciting, Emma! Come on! It'll only take like 10 minutes to take it up a little. Oh! I know!" Manny picked her cell out of her bag. Emma took her attention away from the 700 pg. book.

"Who are you calling?" Manny smiled and put her finger to her mouth.

"Hey, I'm at Emma's. Yeah! I know! We need a tailor for a minute. Can you come over? Sweet." Manny smiled broadly and tossed it to the floor.

"The best seamstress at Degrassi is on his way.", she laughed.

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"Em, you gotta stop moving while I measure!" J.T. had Emma standing on a chair in her basement bedroom in her skirt. J.T. held the measuring tape to her hip lengthwise, and stuck a pin in. He repeated at the other side.

"Oh my GOD I love this song." The unnerving beat of Ciara played on Emma's radio.

"Manny, my mom hates rap."

"It isn't rap, it's hip hop."

"Same thing." J.T. said, equally annoyed.

"You better not be looking up my..."

"Don't flatter yourself, Emma. I gotta take it up another inch. Don't move."

And something crazy happened.

J.T.'s hand brushed her slightly unshaven thigh as he folded and pinned the hem of the skirt. His hand felt...very strong. His grasp was firm, and his skin felt cool. All she could hear was her ceiling fan and Manny singing out of tune. J.T. hadn't said a thing about her not being at school today. He had been all business. Nothing about the water bottle, either. (Thank God.) She felt his sleeve against her shin, and she shivered. Blushed.

"Sorry."

"D..Don't make it too short, J.T."

"I won't. Don't worry. It's done!"

Emma looked at herself on the chair in the mirror. The once knee length skirt now rode up to 3 inches above the knee. She felt her knees brush together.

"Oh my GOD, Emma! What's your porn name going to be! How about...Skyye Nelson or something like that?" Manny took a break from gyrating to admire Emma's new look.

"The pleats look funny."

"Oh, I want one too, J.T." Manny said, pulling at the hem. They both ignored her.

"Just iron it, they'll look natural again." J.T. smiled a toothy grin, and threw his measuring tape around his neck like a scarf. "I'm glad you like it."

"I didn't say I did." Emma took his hand to step off the chair and pose in the mirror.

"You didn't have to." He picked up his canvas sewing kit and packed it in his messenger bag, safe from prying eyes.

Yeah, it was still a sore spot.

He slung the bag over his shoulder, and walked to the window hatch.

"It looks good on you, Em." And with that, he was gone, expertly swinging his body through the opening, and down the street.

"Well, that was pretty...anti-climactic, don't you think Em? I mean he didn't even say bye." Emma continued to watch the window, finally breaking her trance to look at herself in the mirror. She could still feel the warmth, the presence of J.T. in the fabric, on her thigh, in the air. And as a first, it wasn't because he farted. She examined the way the skirt grazed her hips, smoothed her hands down the front, feeling the wool on her palms, and the satin lining against her thighs.

"He made it too short.", Emma said absent-absentmindedly.

"No! It's perfect."

"It feels like there's a constant breeze between my legs."

Manny didn't know exactly how to reassure her best friend about this without sounding pervy, so she just sat on the bed. Her eyes looked around the familiar room, remembered sleepovers, late-night bawlfests over Craig, the night that they made out on Emma's bed...she was overcome with a feeling of strength. She had been through so much over the last 2 years. Pulling her long black hair back into a clip, she leaned back into the plushness of the pillow. And the hardness of a little cardstock box. Reaching behind her head, she thought to herself, _This is the year that I and Emma can get what we had back._ She looked at her across the room, turning in the mirror, observing the dress. She smiled, as she pulled the offending box into view.

And then every thought and expression left her.

"Uh, Emma?"

"Yeah?"

"Is there something you need to tell me?"

"What are you..." Emma flipped her hair behind her shoulder, and her eyes grew wide.

"Manny! Oh my God. I..I"  
"First Response, huh? What WAS your first response, Emma?"

"Manny, please don't..."

"Not having real SEX, were you, Emma?"

"Just stop! I don't want to..."

"It was Jay, wasn't it, Emma? How COULD you!"

Manny threw the box onto the floor and rose off the bed. She stepped up to Emma, falling about 4 inches subordinate to Emma, but they both knew she was the stronger of the two.

"Manny, listen."

"I'm listening."

"First of all..." Emma paced her floor. "First of all, don't tell ANYONE. Not Darcy, not Chante, not Toby, not...especially not J.T."

Manny stared at her.

"Promise!"

"I Promise! ARE you?"

Emma walked to the window, her eyes at sidewalk height. She felt small.

"I...I am."

"Oh, Emma! Oh my G..." Manny knew now to cut the shit and come to Emma's side. She strode up to her and put her arms around her. She was surprised that Emma did not cry.

"Emma...are you going to..."

"I don't know." She laughed. "Guess I'd be a hypocrite if I didn't."

"Emma, you're...you're different now."

"I still don't think it's right, Manny. But..."

"But it's different now that it's YOU."

Manny backed off. She didn't mean to sound so hateful. Emma smiled, hurt.

"I've got to finish this work. It's like 9 anyways."

"I can stay, Em."

"Don't."

Manny pursed her lips and grabbed her bag, putting her nail polish in the pocket. Her heels clicked as she walked to her bedroom door. Manny had the privilege of using the Nelson's door, rather than the window. Emma pushed a tear back. Just before Manny shut the door, Emma yelled at her. Her heart was racing and she was afraid everyone, Manny and J.T. were capable of leaving her behind.

"Manny, thank you!" Manny stopped, turned, and sorta smiled. "We can't keep doing this, Manny."

"Yeah." Manny wanted to friendship to work as well. So she left. Emma sighed and fell back on her bed, taking a sip from J.T.'s water on her nightstand.

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A faint jangling noise brought her into consciousness around 2:30 a.m. She looked around her room as her eyes fluttered open, seeking the source. She stumbled across her room and picked up her phone, looking at the caller I.D., but her vision too fuzzy to read it, she answered.

"...lo?"

"Em. I'm sorry, I know it's late." Emma smiled a secret smile.

"It's fine J.T." She reached over lazily to turn on her lamp. "What time is it?"

"Uhh...2:35." he coughed a deep cough. "Emma, uh, I wanted to tell you. Simpson told us you weren't returning this term. Why...why didn't you tell us? Why didn't you tell me?"

"Because I didn't know, J.T. I really didn't." She was kind of relieved to hear him ask.

"Well, why did you have to leave Degrassi?"

"Because of Jay." She heard him shuffling around, presumably under his blankets. The image filled her head, him laying in the dark under his orange comforter, his body warm, alive and breathing, his mouth close, talking quietly. A yawn was stifled, but audible.

"Hey, Emma...listen. You can talk to me. I try to avoid getting myself into hokey situations like this...but Toby's taught me a lot about what it means to be a friend...and...just promise. Promise you'll come to me." Emma's face felt warm, and she snuggled into her blankets, feeling the itchy scratch of the wool skirt she'd fallen asleep in.

"Okay. And J.T.?"

"Mmm?"

"The skirt's just right." She heard him breath a laugh and then hang up. She closed her phone, and shimmied the skirt off.

_It doesn't make good jammies_, though, she thought. She clicked the light off, and fell asleep, a little faster, a little easier than usual, and she didn't know or care why.

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Thanks for reading! As always, let me know whatcha think! I'm totally getting pumped for some tension between Jay and J.T.. XOXO


	4. Wanderer

Not A Pretty Girl:Alchemy Dream

Summary: Okay, okay. I'm not blind. I can see what's going on. Is there a spark between Emma and J.T.? Uh, hello! Have we forgotten that Emma's carrying Jay's baby? Snake and Spike confront Emma about the situation (finally) with rather unfortunate results.

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"Mom, they're too t...TIGHT!" Emma sat on the burgundy velour sofa, struggling with the shoes her mom had fished out of her closet. The loafers sported a 2 ½ inch heel, and were sparsely scuffed. Spike stood over the sink washing out a measuring cup.

The Nelson-Simpson residence was dark and fragrant of blueberry pancakes and early morning dust. The light from outside, combined with the blue of the T.V. Screen illuminated the living room and kitchen. From down the hall, there was the faint sound of Snake in the shower.

"They'll have to do, Em...they're all I have."

"Manny said she'd bring hers over." Spike busied herself between the stove and the sink, the fridge and the cabinet.

"Breakfast is almost ready. Oh, and it's about a quarter after, you need to go get dressed before breakfast, Em."

"Why? The forecast is almost on. Hang on just a minute."

"Now, Em."

"Whatever."

Emma pulled on her uniform, one piece at a time, admiring J.T.'s chop job on her skirt. She turned in the mirror flattening down the back, observing how far it rode up her thighs. She pulled on a knee high pair of black socks, and smushed her feet into the tiny size 7 loafers her mom had loaned her. She would be prepared for school today, her legs freshly shaved, her lips not chapped, but glossed with a light cinnamon colour. Her now shoulder blade length hair was pulled into a tight bun and secured with black pins. Despite her situation, she felt like a million bucks as she left her room to go eat breakfast.

Spike sat next to Snake, who didn't eat, but clasped his hands together in a calm, collected fatherly way that once Emma caught sight of him, was sure would not last long.

It had occurred to her at some point how strange it was that her parents had not in 48 hours mentioned her pregnancy. True, that with all that had happened, Emma herself had been distracted, but something told her that today was the day. She sat down gingerly in her seat, keeping her heavy brown eyes down, and looked through her blonde bangs at her pancakes. She began anxiously picking them apart. When she heard a fork clink, she briefly looked up, only to realize it was her fork that had dropped.

"Whose is it, Emma." Emma looked up at Snake, and looked at her mom for the answer, for backup, for anything.

"We need to know, Emma." She realized her mom would not protect her. She wasn't likin' how they weren't calling her 'Em'.

"Um, is it really that important to know...uh, who the.."

"WHO IS IT, Emma?"

"You aren't my father, and it's none of your business."

Well, it seemed like the right thing to say at the time.

"I'm as close to a father as you have now, and I deserve to know. Look, Emma, I'm not...MAD at you, I mean, I'm really disappointed, _really_ disappointed, but it can't be undone. We just have to...figure out what to do about it."

"What can be DONE about it, Snake? I'm having a baby. That's pretty much what's going on here."

"Have you thought about whether you wanna keep it, honey? Or maybe give it up for adoption? And there's always..."

"I'm NOT getting an abortion mom." Emma couldn't believe she even suggested it.

"Emma, you're only 16. You...you can't do this. You can't have this baby."

"Why can't I, Sna..." Snake cut her off.

"Don't call me that anymore. I'm your dad now."

"You're my _step_-dad."

"If you keep this baby, you will have to get a job. Your mother works full time, 2 jobs, just to keep up with the house bills, my medical bills, Jack and you too. Neither of us can support another baby. You'll have to drop out of school, Emma! It isn't worth it!"

"No, I can do it. There are so many teen mothers out there that are taking care of kids, I can do it too!"

Spike furrowed her brows, looking at her young daughter, the one she had gotten pregnant with in high school, the one she gave up a social life, a normal young adulthood for. She remembered all the pain of not being like every other 17 year old girl, with a boyfriend and a date, a college application and two proud parents. Things had been getting so much better. She finally found a man she could love and trust, one that was able to not see her a damaged, and give her another baby. Or so Spike had thought. Her baby was growing up, turning into an incredibly smart, sweet, beautiful woman, but somehow she couldn't believe that Emma was about to throw it away, drift down the same path her mother did. Besides she was only 34 years old, in the prime of her life. She couldn't possibly be a grandmother! Her hands shook from her nerves, and she got up from the table to go to the bathroom. After she left, Snake leaned forward and looked at Emma.

"Emma, if you have any respect for your mother, you won't have this baby. You can't do this. To yourself. To her." Emma curled her lip up, and placed her hand on her torso.

"I'm not doing anything wrong." And with that she grabbed her bag from the sofa and strode out the door, letting the screen slam.

Pulling the cardigan to her chest Emma watched the early leaves litter the sidewalk. Fall in Toronto had come quickly and with a chill. Maybe it was just the early morning August air. She watched as buses and cars all hurried off to work, as mothers kissed their kids before handing them a sack lunch and a Batman backpack. Emma smiled, and felt strangely relieved.

_I can do that._

She hadn't thought too much of the baby, actually. She wasn't showing, and her nausea had calmed down a great deal. Her body felt very...normal. It felt natural. Perhaps, she thought, this is the normal passage of events. _Maybe I was meant to have his baby_. The concept of the plan of the cosmos enchanted her mind, allowing her to romanticize the situation. She was pregnant with Jay Hogart's baby. _Pregnant. _She had wondered when to tell him. If she should tell him, or maybe if she should go through the pregnancy alone, content that her son or daughter would have the same dirty brown hair and clear hazel eyes. What was she saying? Of course she should tell him. Whether or not it delighted him, he deserved to know where his DNA was hiding out.

She was surprised at herself. How could she be handling this so well? Why was she so happy? Trying not to think too much about it, she put on her headphones. She was only 14 weeks, anyways. Not much to worry about just yet. Listening to Rilo Kiley, she smiled and let her imagination run and let the sound permeate her entire being.

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"Hey, you only need one of those, Jay. There's no need to grab eight." Liberty pulled her glasses down and stared at Jay, who had taken an unusually large pile of flyers from the booth set up in the foyer. He stood there, glaring at her, bored.

"Look, sweetheart. If you'd calm down a little, then maybe you'll get asked to this thing."

"Why do you care, Jay Hogart. Not like you ever go." Liberty grabbed the stack.

"Don't you think it's a little damn early to be planning the semi-formal anyways?" He ripped one back from her hands, turned about-face from the green and orange striped booth with the cheesy paper leaves glued on and made his way down the hall to the lunchroom. He looked around at the tables, not surprised to see the groups divided into their petty little cliques. He grabbed a tray and walked the line like the others. He didn't even notice Spinner slip up behind him.

"Spinster! Haven't seen you this year!"

"Don't even act happy to see me. I intend on getting my friends back this term."

"Yeah, like they'll talk to you."

"Go to hell, Jay." Spinner ran his hand through his newly shaggy hair and looked at the paper in Jay's hand. "Semi-formal? You going? With who?"

"I dunno, I'm not going. I just wanted to read it. There's a talent contest, too. Maybe I could show off MY special talent."

"Of what? Getting chicks sick? Making people insanely unhappy?"   
"Touche." He stared straight ahead, picking out a chocolate milk and some pudding.

"Where you eating?" Spinner asked.

"Uh, I guess on the steps. Joining me?"

"Sounds romantic."

"You pussy. Actually...I think I'm going to the car to have a smoke."

"Sorry...I'm uh trying to quit the drugs Jay."

"It isn't a drug! It's an herb."

"Yeah, well whatever. Later, man." Spinner walked over to the corner table by the window to eat alone. Jay looked around once more and left the main building for the parking lot with his tray of sugar.

Jay pulled on his black leather jacket from the car and set his tray on the hood of the car. He reached into his pocket for the remaining joint and ran it under his nose, taking in the sweet aroma.

_It's a placebo, Jay._

His mind raced whenever he was alone. Why did he feel so lost? Why did he feel alone? He could have Alex back if he wanted, or Amy if he was that desperate. Sean and him were still tight, and Spinner hadn't completely cut him loose.

_You miss her. You do. And by the way, she never approved of you smoking pot._

Something in his head snapped. He dropped the joint to the ground and ground it flat underneath his blue sneakers. A split second later the pothead in him was wanting to find a spatula to pry it off the ground and re-roll it. But he could feel it. He was changing, and he didn't know why. He began to wander.

He wandered to the far side of the campus. He wandered down the street. Down the block. He completely forgot his lunch on top of the hood of his Civic. It wasn't until he had wandered 3 blocks away from Degrassi with 5 minutes until the after lunch bell until he noticed. Around him were large, majestic oaks, virgin wood that rose to over 130 feet in the air, fragrant crape myrtles, and diversely coloured maples, touched with the beginning of fall. The grass was full and well manicured, and off in the distance was a stone building, giving the area an old world ivy league charm. Ivy covered what appeared to be the main building. He stepped forward onto the soft lawn amazed that he had never seen this place before.

He walked to the back of the campus, sitting on a stone bench near a small clear pond. The inside had a mosaic of pink lotus, and an iron veranda with wind chimes that sang delicately in the cool breeze. He felt his heart slow down, and he breathing lighten. He felt...happy?

Unable to accept this weirdness, he pushed himself to his feet and looked around the for the next attraction. And he found it.

Closer to what he assumed was a gymnasium, a large group of girls played volleyball. Jay jogged over to the sand court, and noticed a large iron and stone sign that read "Volta Redonda Girls' Academy; Since 1898; Founder Pailia da Silva, South America". Jay was shocked. How had he not been aware that there was a girls' academy? He watched as the girls smiled, laughed, happily guy-free as they volleyed the ball back and forth over the net. They came in all sizes and colours, all wearing grey tank tops and dark navy sweats. They were probably from great families, families with money. They were probably smart, too.

_I could never have a girl like that. _Jay thought as one particular girl caught his eye. He followed her movements as she spiked the ball and her teammates cheered. He smiled in spite of himself, and pushed his hair from his eyes. He removed his sunglasses. She was one of the taller ones, with somewhat long blonde hair pulled into a ponytail. She smiled, and then laughed as her friend whispered something to her. And as he stared, it dawned on him. His mouth fell and his heart stopped.

_Emma._

Jay rushed to the chain link fence and watched her. He had wondered where she had gone! Word around Degrassi was that she had transferred, but no one had a clue where! So Mr. Simpson had transferred her to VR Academy! He felt relieved to know where in the great wide world she was.

He hadn't seen her all summer, thinking it was for the best, after giving her gonorrhea and all, and he wouldn't admit the pining, the desiring, the...

He gripped the chain link, intertwining it between his fingers. His mind raced. She hadn't changed. Her face still carried that light flush, her eyes still were full of light. Of love. He debated screaming out her name, but suddenly, uncertainty gripped him. Maybe...maybe it wasn't the right time. His doubts distracted him, until he heard a light outcry. His attention was focused on Emma, who had stopped playing, and was doubled over, gripping her torso. What had happened? Try as he might, he couldn't get closer, he couldn't permeate the fence to help her. Jay stood at the fence, unnoticed, and nervously shouted "EMMA!" but his cry was lost in the excitement of the girls following Emma inside the ivy covered building. He watched until she was gone, and looked at the lonely volleyball court. He felt a mix of disappointment and relief, putting his sunglasses back over his eyes and stalking back across the courtyard to Degrassi.

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As always, tell me what you think! And thank you to everyone who has reviewed! I'm so surprised! Truly! XOXO


	5. Phantoms and Fear

Not A Pretty Girl:Alchemy Dream

Summary: Aimless wandering brought Jay back to Emma – at another school. Jay is furious that no one informed him, and grudgingly goes after Manny for the details. But we all know Manny has a penchant for letting secrets slip, don't we? J.T. (finally) makes a move towards getting what he wants.

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_Just look at them. Congregating by their little 11th year lockers, thinking they're just the shit._ Jay looked through the brown tinted sunglasses down the hall at the threesome by the water fountain. As they did every morning, J.T. Yorke, Manny Santos and Toby Issacs stood in front of J.T.'s locker as he sifted through the papers stacked to the knees trying to find the right ones for 1st period. Manny filed her nails while she faked interest and/or understanding about whatever Toby talked about. Jay slammed his head backwards against the concrete wall, finding it completely unfortunate that he had to resort to such drastic measures. He straightened his parka and quickly walked towards the group.

Pulling his sunglasses on top of his head and squinting as the bright Degrassi fluorescent lights entered his pupils, he leaned against the locker behind Toby. He said nothing. They were absorbed in what was probably petty 11th year chit chat and didn't notice him until he cleared his throat. Toby jumped like a frightened cat, and instinctual backed up.

"Issacs, calm down. I need to talk to..." he looked at the three of them. "_that_ one." He pointed at Manny.  
"Just what is this about, Hogart." J.T. said without looking up. He put a notebook in his backpack. Jay sneered. He knew that one was close to Emma. He had watched her walking with him when the slut had ditched her. There was something about him, he seemed nice enough, but Jay would never admit that.

"You better mind your own shit, J. Crew. This has nothing to do with you." J.T. smirked and looked him up and down, turning back to his locker.

Jay widened his eyes and motioned for Manny to come.

"I have a name, Jay." Manny sneered, disgusted. Emma came to her mind. Part of her could see why she had latched onto him. After all, he had a solid jawline, nice eyes, a good enough body as far as she could tell, under all those layers, and a kind of bad-boy scruffy beard, 2 days in the making. Kinda like a Brillo pad. But he was diseased. Nasty. A man-whore. He USED her best friend, and now...

"Listen, **_Man-u-ella_**, come here. We need to talk. In private." Manny picked up her purple faux croc bag, and turned to Toby.

"I'll be right back. Don't leave without me." Toby nodded and turned his attention to his best friend, whose jaws were clenched.

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"Why did NO one tell me." Jay pushed her shoulder gently, trying to hide the rage.

"Because YOU don't need to know, Jay." Manny pushed him back.

"Too late, I saw her yesterday. Don't worry, I didn't speak to her. I didn't get the chance. Besides, why don't I? She was...special to me. You know that. You've got to know that."

Manny glared at him.

"Look! I'm being for real here. I would think that YOU, if no one else, would agree." He looked in her eyes, demanding some kind of answer. Manny stood with her arms crossed, staring at him, silent. Jay sighed and huffed moodily. "This was a waste of time." He began to walk away. Manny looked down, and sucked in air.

"Because you hurt her Jay!" she shouted down the hall. He stopped and turned. "A lot." He began walking towards her. He waited for more.

"Jay, you gave her an STD! After using her when she was vulnerable from the shooting!" Manny began to get angry. "And on top of it all, you got her pregnant Jay! You never even loved...oops..." By the look of utter shock on Jay's face, Manny knew she had won the one-step-too-far-game and spilled Emma's secret all in one go. She began backing up, slowly, and then more quickly. "I...I have to...g.." Jay violently grabbed Manny's wrist, pushing her against the wall.

"What did you say?"

"You heard me, I said she's pregnant. And before you ask, it's yours. Yes." Manny wished she could get rid of the burning guilt in her heart. She had told the one guy she was SURE Emma didn't want to know, and especially from someone else. Jay shut his eyes and backed off, rubbing his hands through his hair, knocking off his cap and not even knowing it. Manny watched as it fell to the floor. After licking his lips, he looked at her again.

"How far along. Is she."

"I don't know...she isn't showing or anything. I guess around 3 months?" Manny guessed.

"THREE months? The last time we, you know, was like in May." Manny looked at him, a little uncomfortable, and suddenly, Jay was wondering why he was spilling this to her, too. "You can go, slut. Go join your sad little friends." Manny clenched her teeth and spun on her heel. Jay watched her. He felt bad. "Hey!" Manny turned around to look at him. "Thanks, Manny." She poked her lips out, showing him some attitude, and barely nodded her head in acknowledgment. Jay looked around at the masses of students in the hall, the noise drowned out by his thoughts, and his fear. There were so many questions. Why had she not told him a little...sooner? And why hadn't she told him herself? Was she planning on keeping it? If so did she want him to play a role in its life? _Woah, Jay, just...just calm down. _He began wishing he hadn't smushed his last joint, right about now. Fidgeting his hands about in his pockets, he found his keys and considered ditching homeroom and taking a ride to clear his head. Then he considered trying to be responsible and going to class instead. And then he punched himself in the temple. _COME ON, Jay. There never used to be a contest, here. _He whined to himself, and grabbed his Trigonometry books off the floor. A grade9 jumped in fear as he pounded a nearby locker shut, leaving a weak dent.

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"So, what were you guys talking about?" J.T. asked Manny as the three of them walked from homeroom to Miss Sander's cooking class. Basically the deal with that is that Manny didn't want to be alone in that class, and forced J.T., which was easy, since he heard that guys that cook attract the GOOD girls, and he in turn forced Toby who was wary of not having an elective with him every year.

"He was just ragging on me. He's such a JERK!" Manny lied. She smiled at J.T., who faked a smile.

"Ha-ha, so what did you really talk about." Manny sighed, trying to concoct her lies better.

"He just...wanted to know where Emma was." J.T. panicked.

"And, you didn't tell him, right?"

"Of course not. I'm not stupid." Manny huffed, irritated. "Can we just go make these stupid cupcakes?"

"Yeah, but you're on your own. Toby and I are already in a group."

"Ugh, you mean I have to be in..." Suddenly, a rather short, and predictably annoying kid came up behind her, propping his elbow up on her shoulder.

"That's right. My group." Liberty's younger brother, Danny smiled a creepy smile at her. She casually brushed him off, scowling.

"Ew. Look, Webster, I'd rather choke on a nacho."  
"And besides, I'm going to be her partner." Liberty showed up behind Danny, and smiled. "Hey, everyone." Manny smiled, happy to see her. Liberty and Manny's friendship had blossomed after J.T. had dumped her over the summer, and Manny had given her a personality makeover, making Liberty poised to be the coolest smart chick in Grade 11. She had her thick hair cut into long mocha coloured layers, kind of like they were at prom, but longer. She wore her standard polo shirt, but now with a hot pink collared shirt peeking out from underneath. She was Liberty, but better.

In class...

"J.T. No. We are not putting sprinkles on the cupcakes."  
"They aren't even out, yet, Tobes! We have like 5 minutes to decide." The two boys contemplated, with chocolate batter covered canvas aprons and floral oven mitts what the garnishment would be on the cupcakes. Toby obsessively bent down to check the cupcakes through the glass door.

"How about strawberries. Mature, complemented by the chocolate..."

"How about strawberry sprinkles?" J.T. looked through the shelf above their heads. "Wait, we don't have anything but the long chocolate ones. They look like turds."

"J.T.! Geez. Okay, look. How about we use the chocolate frosting and a few chocolate sprinkles-a FEW, J.T.-and then a strawberry slice. Sound good?" J.T. agreed, the prospect of 3 different kinds of chocolate in a 3 square inch area blowing any argument he had out of the water.

"Sounds great. By the way, what are you gonna do with these?"

"I dunno, I'd kinda like to give some to Ash, but she's in London, so...that's out. She always told me I was useless." he pouted. "I guess I'll eat them. What'll you do with yours?" J.T. smiled.

"I think I'll eat some for dinner...and bring some to Emma's." Toby smiled, taunting J.T.

"Oh, I see why you wanted to take this class."

"No, that isn't why, but it's a big plus, now that I think about it."

"Have you talked to her, you know, since the transfer?" Toby asked, checking the cupcakes again.

"Yeah, I uh, went over and altered her uniform for her. Hey, don't look at me like that. Manny asked me to."

"That it? You guys used to talk like, every day." J.T. felt warm as he remembered their phone conversation. How sexy she had sounded when she answered. She must have been asleep. Then he found himself wondering what she wore to bed. It all went downhill from there. _No, Tiber, you can't think like that. _The truth was that this was a long time coming. He had been friends with her forever, but he had never really noticed that she had such tan skin, or that she had fire in her when she got angry, or that she was so smart in so many ways. Okay, so Jay was an example of her being not-so smart. But she had won the science fair 3 years in a row. She had gotten the academic excellence award last year. She was taking college level math with Liberty. Maybe he just had something for smart chicks.

But he was taking things slow. She hadn't been the same since the shooting, since...since Jay. The very thought of Jay made his skin crawl. He had corrupted her. He had made her miserable, untrusting. He was the reason that J.T. had to be so careful not to hurt her. Jay...

_DING!_

Anxiously, Toby adjusted the mitt on his hand and opened the oven door. He pulled the tray out, taking a whiff of the chocolate steam and smiling. Placing the tin muffin tray on the stove, he smiled at J.T.

"Smell 'em, man. Perfecto."

J.T. leaned down to smell them and closed his eyes in bliss. He imagined delivering the treats to Em's house, winning the favour of Mr. And Mrs. Simpson at the same time. The smile alone would be worth it._ Perfect._

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Walking briskly down the street, J.T.'s feet took him to Emma's. Wrapped in wax paper with a little orange bow on top were the cupcakes. Unfortunately, because he had put the sprinkles on when the frosting had dried, they mostly rattled around at the bottom of the little white box. They overall, were quite exceptional. J.T. suddenly winced realizing that he was exceptional at both sewing and cooking, and wondered if it was a good idea to show this to Emma. She might laugh and hand him a tampon. As he stopped in front of her door and knocked, he cast away his doubts. Archie Simpson appeared at the door, dressed in a pair of sweats and the shirt he wore in Media Immersion. He looked very tired and mildly upset.

"Um, Hi, Mr. Simpson. I uh, wanted to bring these to Emma." He put on his best high beam smile. Snake coughed, and put his hand over his mouth.

"Uh, yeah, J.T. She's downstairs doing some homework. I'll go get her." He shut the door in J.T.'s face and went to retrieve Emma. J.T. felt confused. He had always been allowed in the Nelson-Simpson residence, but today, access denied. He was beginning to wonder why they had put Emma on maximum security lockdown. Before he could wonder any farther, Emma came to the door, her hair in a sloppy ponytail, wearing plaid boxers and a tshirt. He smiled a goofy smile, and handed her the box.

"J.T., hey! Um, what are these for?"

"Just, something Tobes and I made in Cooking. Thought you might like to make fun of me for my mad baking skillz." Emma sniffed the box, and looked at him, surprised.

"You made this! And you put the little uh..."

"Strawberries"

"Strawberries, yeah, on too? That's so great, J.T.!" She hugged him, slinging one arm around his back, briefly straightening the corduroy on his collar. J.T. inhaled and smelled the familiar smell of her house, her basement, and her citrusy perfume. He exhaled, as she moved to look at him. He could tell she was happy, and that made it worth it.

"So, how is it going at VR?"

"Oh, it's okay. I'm working on this cool project that is supposed to span the term. It's about finding a religion to study and analyze."

"Awesome, have you picked one just yet?" He sat with her on the porch swing.

"No, I haven't pinpointed exactly what I wanna do, but I know it has to be in Eastern Mythology. I was reading this amazing book called the Tao Te Ching by this guy...uh, Lao Tzu, I think. It's so beautiful. It makes me feel...at peace about everything." J.T. furrowed his eyebrows.

"What do you feel un-at peace about, Em?" He scooted closer.

"Oh, heh, nothing. Just...I dunno, it feels good." Emma looked at him, how lovely his hair fell against his neck, how deep and brown his eyes were. "J.T., thanks for the cupcakes, they also make me feel...good. Seeing you makes me feel good."

"You're uh.." his voice cracked. "You're welcome."

Suddenly, Emma bent over, squeaking a little. J.T. rose up from the swing and reached down to help her. He put his hand on her shoulder, worried.

"What's wrong, Em?" She looked up, her face twisted a bit in pain.

"I don't know. I've been having these weird cramps lately."

"Okay, well, uh, this is my cue to uh..." J.T. pretended to walk away.

"No, it's not my period. I'm uh, pretty sure of that. It's just this weird pain. I guess..."

"Hmm?" Emma looked sadly at J.T., her smile fading as her grip on the box tightened.

"I guess I need to go. A lot of work to do, you know..." J.T.'s face fell a little, but he straightened and smiled.

"Oh, yeah, uh, no problem. I hope they're good!"

"They will be. Thanks again." He was awarded the consolation prize of another hug.

"Welcome. Bye!"

Emma watched as he skipped off her porch steps and disappeared down the street. Walking inside her house, she sat the box on the counter. Her heart hurt as she pulled the door to in her room. She sat on the bed and sighed. She couldn't do this. Jay...J.T...it was too much. She was carrying Jay's child, but falling in love with her best friend, J.T. It was clear to her that J.T. had feelings for her, and the fact made her warm and happy, content inside, but at the same time, she was still holding onto hope, hope that Jay could change and be a father to her child.

She touched her abdomen as the pain seared through her again.

_Speaking of hope..._

Emma turned over in her bed, picking up her copy of the Tao she had picked up at the bookstore yesterday. Picking up where she left off...

_Hope and fears are phantoms of the body._

_When you regard your body as your self, hope and fear have real power over you. _

_If you abandon the notion of body as self, hope and fear cannot touch you. _

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I hope you enjoyed it, as always leave me a review or drop me a line! I'm going to start working on my sequel to Naked, which is a Spinner story, soon. If you like my style, please check it out. I happen to like it a little. It's funny, with this story, I had a clear idea of who Emma would end up with, at the beginning. But the further along I get with the fic, the less I know who is right for her, who she should be with when the story ends. Guess we'll see! XOXO


	6. Chocolate Milk

Not A Pretty Girl:Alchemy Dream

Summary: Manny's loose lips strike again. Jay knows that Emma's pregnant, but has to face his options. Part of him wants to run as far away from Emma as humanly possible, graduate from Degrassi this year, and leave her to raise the kid. She probably doesn't want him around anyways, right? But then, part of him wants to step up and play house with her, do the responsible, respectable crap. On the other side, J.T. is suspicious of Emma's flighty behaviour and once he discovers what she's hiding, has to decide if he's willing to date a girl who is carrying another man's baby.

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Emma leaned back against the plush camel coloured leather interior of Lindsey's '03 BMW convertible, watching the clouds speed by above her head. Over the course of her first week, she had talked her way into the hearts of the three queens of VRA, and had scored morning rides to school. Lindsey gripped the wheel with one hand, and pushed her long black hair back with the other. Emma admired her in the rearview as they sped in a residential at 79 km/h. She always looked fierce for school, her uniform perfectly pressed and clean, her legs shaven and tanned. She always had the most expensive accessories, like vintage Manolo kitten heel clogs, polished to perfection and paired with loose socks imported from Japan. She sang along with a low, bad voice to 50 Cent. It brought to Emma's memory the statistic that almost 70 percent of popular hip hop listeners were suburban whites. Next to her was Rowan, smoking.

Emma had learned that the last thing Rowan wanted was for Emma to be in the car. Rowan had decided at some point that she was tough and had authority. Rowan was the student council Vice President to Lindsey's President. The only difference was that Lindsey didn't really care, and Rowan was out for total domination. She was still bitter than Lindsey was President and didn't care.

In the backseat, Irene had her arm around Emma. Out of all the girls, Irene had taken the most to Emma. She wasn't on the student council, but rather on the volleyball team, the women's hockey team, the swim team and was the junior rep for the Multicultural Awareness club. Irene herself was from the Philippines. She had Spiritual Studies and Law I with Emma. Irene's mother was a lawyer.

Fall was Emma's favourite season. September in Toronto was cool, but pleasant enough to ride with the top down and enjoy the crisp air. As they sped by, the mailboxes became a horizontal blur.

"Hey, Emma, your dad's pretty cute." Lindsey said as they pulled into the parking lot.

"Oh, gag me. Please. And he's my step-dad." Emma slid her shoe back on, and began to get her books.

"Yeah, but he has a great smile, and he's pretty young looking too. How old is he?" Irene chimed in.

"I dunno, like 30 or something."

"Woah, your mom's really robbing the cradle, Emma." Taking a final drag on her cigarette, Rowan tossed it out the window.

"Well, my mom and him are the same age, actually."

"So your mom like, got knocked up in high school? Ugh."

"Rowan, that's her mother we're raggin on here!"

"It's just stupid. Why can't girls just keep their legs shut until they meet a man with money."

"Well, your mom didn't, Rowan, she just married one when you were twelve!"

"Still..."

As the girls chattered on and on about nothing at all, Emma stared at the ground as she walked into the building, wondering what her new posse would think if they found out that she was exactly what they despised.

At least the weird cramps had gone away for a day or two. But now, she was just barely beginning to show. After her shower this morning, she had glimpsed her profile in her full length mirror, and noticed a slight bulge, and not from the excessive amount of doritos she'd been eating. She ran her hands over the smoothness of her stomach, noticing where the skin was tighter. It registered then that she was on her way to being a mother. She thought she should feel happier, but the impending stress was dropped like a sack of cinder blocks on her shoulders. _Gotta get a job to pay for new maternity clothes, pay for baby supplies, figure out where the baby would live, decide what to do about school, and learn whether the child would have a father or not._ Suddenly her teenage "golden years" were becoming a lot more complicated.

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Stalking through the east hallway of Degrassi, a somber Jay gripped his Biology book and notebook while examining the precarious situation he had found himself in. He hadn't been able to think about anything else for the last few days, and there was no solution in sight. He tried going for a walk, but lost in thought, he had run in to a garbage can, spilled out an old lady's disposable adult diapers and had to put them all back. He was scarred in more ways than one. He had tried masturbating his troubles away, but he couldn't get off for the thought of a baby's irrepressible wailing. Somehow, that just didn't do it for him. He really needed a smoke. Or a drive. Or a friend. Someone to talk to. He knew he should probably talk to Emma about the whole thing, but somehow, bile rose in his throat everytime that came up. What could he possibly say? What if she turned violent? He ducked under the arm that blocked the doorway to Room 301. He was in no mood for human interaction.

"Jason, take those headphones off, class begins in..." Mrs. Pritchard, the new Biology lab instructor looked at her watch, "...37 seconds." She walked through the door to monitor the hallway traffic. Jay looked to the back, trying to find his usually secluded seat by the sinks, but the only one available in the room was the last place on earth he wanted to be. He looked at the ceiling and flipped his headphones behind his head, walking to the only unoccupied seat.

"Top o' the morning to you, J. Crew."

J.T. stared straight ahead, writing down the notes written on the board. "Jay. Hi." Strained.

Jay looked at him, and turned his attention back to his mp3 player. He placed the headphones on his ears again, and cranked the volume way up so that the tunes would reach J.T.'s ears. J.T. tried to ignore it, and Jay began tapping his pencil in time with the beat.

"What are you listening to?"

"WHAT?" Jay yelled obnoxiously. J.T. had already had enough. He ripped the headphones off Jay's head.

"Whatever it is, turn it off. Class started."

"It's Danger Mouse. And no." J.T. slammed his book down and stood up, staring down at Jay. The other students halted their small talk and turned their attention to him. J.T. squinted his eyes.

"Just so you know, she's with me now. Or she will be." Jay smiled and spit at his words.

"Wrong. She's mine. Did she tell you what her new fall accessory is?"

"How the fuck do you know, Jay? Not like you've seen her. Not like you EVER cared to!"

"Wrong again. I have seen her. Answer me." Jay stood up, surprised that the scrawny little prep was about a half inch taller than him, and a little feistier than he's imagined.

"No, and what does it matter? What are you getting at?" J.T. felt the defensiveness rise in his chest, felt the anger that Jay knew something about Emma that he didn't.

"I knocked her up, J. Crew."

"You better watch what you say. Emma isn't like that. I've known her since 3rd grade, and she's never been like that." J.T.'s jaw clenched, terrified. Could he really be telling the truth?

"Times change, J. Crew. Look, if you think you could date a chick with another man's baby, then go right ahead. You have my blessing." Jay mocked, laughing loudly.

_You asshole. You did it again. _

"Look, sweetheart, I'm not lying to you. She's, I estimate, six weeks now."

"You've known all along!"

"Nope, you're friend told me." J.T. looked confused. "The slut."

"MANNY told you?" A flurry of emotion ran though him. It must be true. Manny must have found out from Emma over the summer.

"Well, have fun with her, even though she's used goods. But I know you like that, you dated the slut after all."

"What are you telling me? You aren't going to DO anything?"

"Oh, I think I've done enough." He smiled, and the cringed.

_Why do you always hurt her, Jay? _His mind shouted at him, recognizing the patterns his remarks made.

"Do you not care about her!" J.T. raised his fist in the air and swung at an unsuspecting Jay who was surprised at the force his punch packed. He fell back against the lab table just as the teacher came in. Jay looked at her momentarily and picked himself up.

"JASON HOGART!" Mrs. Pritchard yelled, running out in the hall to get help.

"You little _bastard_!" Jay pushed himself forwards, and nailed J.T. in the stomach, causing him to double over in pain. Students cleared the tables, and cheered the boys on. Jay pulled him up by his shaggy disheveled hair and swung one to his cheek. J.T. groaned as he landed on the floor. He retched and threw up on the floor as his powerful opponent kicked him forcefully in the gut.

"Don't mess with me, J. Crew." He reached up to wipe the blood from his eyelid that was dripping from his eyelashes. Licking the tear in his swollen bottom lip, he picked up his books before the teacher could say anything. He took one last look in the classroom at J.T., who was on the floor coughing up a little blood.

_Real smooth, Jay._

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Somehow, Jay had been stealthy enough to escape the confines of Degrassi and reach his car. He turned the keys in the ignition and jerked the car into reverse. He backed out recklessly and shifted into drive, speeding out onto the road full of post-fight adrenaline. He _really_ needed a drive. Pulling into the nearest convenience store, he used all the cash he had on him to buy a tankful, and drinks. As he made his way to the freezer, he picked up a carton of chocolate milk. He instinctually unzipped his jacket to slide the milk in, but his newly emerged conscious stopped him. He sighed, angrily, and went to the counter, slapping the bills down for the gas and milk.

_Damnit, Greenpeace_...

Sliding back in the seat, he placed the carton in the seat, and turned the radio up until he could feel the bass in his thighs. He played with the buttons, and finally found a station he liked. As he went through the familiar motions of driving, he focused his head on the lyrics.

_There's blood in my mouth, 'cos I've been biting my tongue all week._

_I keep on talking trash, but I never say anything._

_And the talking leads to touching..._

_And the touching leads to sex..._

_And then there is no mystery left!_

_Baby, I'm bad news...baby I'm bad news! I'm just bad news, bad news, bad news._

Jay began to wonder if this was such a good idea after all.

He pulled into the parking lot of Volta Redonda Academy and for once felt his car wasn't good enough, parked next to a black Lexus. A few raindrops fell on his head as he strode to the front door with a mission and plan. Pulling open the heavy glass door, Jay scoffed at the cedar wood paneling and stuffy atmosphere. It was completely quiet in the school. He passed the library with the spiral staircase, the computer lab with the brand new eMacs.

_Ah, the main office._

Jay stood at the front desk and looked over the counter at a young woman who flipped through a fashion magazine. He cleared his throat and smiled sarcastically as she looked up.

"Can I help you?"

"I need to check out my gir..sister."

"Name?" She rolled over to the computer.

"Nelson. Emma."

"And your name?"

"Jason Hogart." She stared at him suspiciously for a moment, looked at the profile on the computer. He panicked.

"Look, she's my step-sister."

"And why are you checking her out? Is it urgent?"

"She called me a few hours ago complaining of, uh...um..." The lady looked at him expectantly.

"Feminine cramps. She needs some Midol."

"We have a call log, and she isn't on it."

"She must have used her cell, then." Jay began to get annoyed.

"We don't allow cell phone calls in the building." She smiled curtly.

"I. Will. Talk. To. Her. About. That. Look, she gets really bad periods sometimes. I'm serious. Blood everywhere. She needs to come home."

"...Fine. Sign here." She pushed a form towards him. Jay had to stop from smiling as he signed his name under Parent/Guardian. Jason Hogart/11:17/Sept. 03, 2005. "I'll call her in." She got on the speaker.

"Mr. Killean, I need Emma Nelson to the west office. Her brother is here to check her out." Jay almost smiled again, imagining her reaction to the fact that her "brother" was checking her out.

"Thank you."

"Yep." She smiled and focused her attention back to the fall must-haves.

Jay leaned against the wooden desk and watched for her outside the window of the office. He heard footsteps around the corner, but much to his disappointment, it was another student with a hall pass. He impatiently glanced at the clock. 11:20 a.m. More footsteps. This time, he was not disappointed.

She wore a black, cream and greyish blue plaid uniform, with the skirt about 3 inches above the knee. He noticed that it was substantially shorter than the other girl's. Long cream coloured socks fell beneath her knee and hugged her slender legs. Her hair was pulled back into a loose ponytail. He licked his suddenly dry lips, and tried to maintain his composure. It'd been awhile.

Emma looked up from the floor, confusion painted all over her face, and then caught sight of Jay in slow motion. An untraceable series of emotions followed like a chain reaction

_Confused surprised anxious nervous happy elated anxious elated confused nervous scared angry elated angry. _

She had no idea where to start.

"Come on, Em, let's uh, get you some Midol and a tampon."

"What? Jay, what the hell are..."

"Let's go, _sis_." He grabbed her hand and led her out of the building into the misty parking lot.

"Get in. It's unlocked."

"No! Answer me! How did you know I was here? Where are we going? Why did you drag me out of class? _Answer me_!"

"Okay...1. Magic. 2. Driving. 3. Because we need to talk. Get in, already." Emma was in no position to pass it up. She opened the familiar door, and slid into the familiar seat with the familiar boy. He joined her, pulling off his wet parka and turning the air on. He turned the radio down and shifted into drive, rolling out of the parking lot. Avoiding her gaze, he looked in the rearview, running a hand through his wet hair.

"There's some chocolate milk on the floorboard. If you want some." Emma instead looked around his car. It still had that Jay smell. Like waterfalls and wet dirt. She was happy to see that there were no more bracelets around his gearshift. An empty box of gummi bears laid at her feet. She looked out the window through the mist that had gathered into drips and now raced down the glass.

"So, you gonna tell me what's going on here?" His mind flashed quickly, scenes from them in the van, to the night they "consecrated" their "love", to his lonely drug-fests during the summer with Spinner, to his vision of her on the volleyball court, to J.T. laying on the floor in his own vomit. He adjusted his mirror, and looked her, and thought he would die, captured forever in those dark brown eyes. He looked at her until she became a blur.

"Uh, Jay...JAY!" He heard a car honk as he barely missed oncoming traffic.

_Get it together. You have to tell her._

"Look...Emma...Manny, she told me. About you being, um." Emma's eyes went wide, and an angry blush spread across her cheeks. She dropped her head back onto the headrest.

"Is it true?"

"Yes."

"And it's mine?"

"...yes." _Who else's? _she thought.

"I've been thinking about it. A lot." He switched his gaze from her face to the road, and prayed that his judgment was right for once.

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Yay, thanks for reading! And the reviews! As always, tell me what you think! XOXO


	7. Much Afraid

Not A Pretty Girl:Alchemy Dream

Summary: Jay's made a decision that will alter the course of his life. Is he really sure about this? How does Emma feel about it, is she relieved or less-than-thrilled about his revelation? Meanwhile, J.T. faces his greatest fear about Emma; that he's really for really real in love with her. What can he do, what part will he play in her life now that she sort of indirectly belongs to Jay?

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"Jay, why are we parking?"

Jay pulled his car into the Fun Fair arcade parking lot, and reaching down, put the car in neutral. His blue eyes focused on an indirect point in space as the drips raced down the windshield. A clap of thunder broke his trance and he looked at Emma.

"Look, I'm really sorry about all this. I..I know that this isn't the right time in either of our lives to do this. It really isn't."

"Jay,_ I _don't have a choice. But _you_ do. Is that fair?" Emma's voice maintained calm, though the events played out in her head.

He didn't want to have any part of this.

"Emma, look...I like you, but I don't...I don't you know."

"_Love_ me?" she offered, eyes overcast.

"Yeah."

"Just say it Jay."

"Wha? Why?" Jay looked straight forward, confused.

"I just want to hear it."

"No you don't."

"SAY it, Jay!"

"FINE! I Don't Love You, Emma!" Jay shouted, anguish penetrating his voice. He slammed his head back onto the plush headrest as he noticed a tear run down her shaking face. "Look, Emma, I don't love you, but...", he reached over to her, but didn't know what to do. He pulled her with his right arm across the gap created by the gearshift until her head bumped against his. "..but I won't abandon you." She sniffed and looked up at him through her eyelashes. "I can't.", he whispered.

Emma was crushed by his words, but comforted by his actions. It was easy to believe that all she needed was to be touched, to feel that warm connection provided by his rough skin, but she couldn't believe it was true, the one thing that she feared. He didn't _love_ her.

"Look, Emma...I'll get a job. I'll help finance an apartment or whatever. But, I have to graduate, and so do you. We'll never be able to provide for a child if we don't at least have a high school diploma." She was surprised at how he had thought this out. She blinked at him. He noticed her surprise, and sighed loudly.

"Look, just because I'm not in love with you doesn't mean I don't care about you."

Emma directed her eyes out of the passenger window to buy herself some time to get the tears back into her ducts. She tried opening her eyes wide to coax them to go under her lid, and then blinked over and over. Well, at least he would help, she thought, trying her damnedest to be rational. After all, what had she expected?

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In a nearby suburb 4 blocks from Fort Simpson-Nelson, J.T. Yorke pondered his will to live. His best friend, Toby lay on the bottom bunk of his bed and threw peppermints at J.T. while watching Sci-fi channel.

"Tobes...stoppit. I'm not in the mood." Toby frowned and went to his friend.

"Sorry. I can't believe they didn't suspend, no, EXPEL Jay for kicking your butt."

"Tobes..." J.T.'s pride kicked in.

"Sorry. I mean he's on probation from the shooting. Ms. H. only let him come back on the conditions that he be a perfect little angel. Well, at least you get to sleep over tonight. Like old times." Toby's innocent smile brought one to J.T.'s face.

"Yeah. Like old times. I miss things, Tobes, you know, when it was you, me, Manny and Emma...it's like the older we get, the further we drift."

"Well, we still have them, J.T., they're just kinda moving forward."

"With all the wrong people."

"What are you talking about?" Toby walked over to where his bad aim had cast the mints and ate one off the floor.

"Emma."

"Whubout'er?" His words were muffled as he chewed.

"She's...changed." He looked at J.T.'s reflection in the window.

He felt a real concern for J.T. He hadn't quite been the same since Emma contracted gonorrhea last spring. His reaction was a mix of disgust and concern for her. Toby had long suspected, since the beginning of the summer, that Emma had tunneled into J.T.'s heart somehow, and in a different way. Toby had really _known_ J.T. the longest of anyone, and he knew that beneath the class clown, the funny timely quips was something pretty delicate. He had watched J.T. as he grew up, tried to follow in his steps, get in tight with the cool kids, but found himself forever the sidekick. That was what he admired about J.T., his versatility. But he knew that whenever a girl broke his heart, he fell to ashes, and had to build up from the ground all over again.

This is why this most obvious crush on Emma scared him. Emma was Toby's first real crush, as well, and though she radiated girl-next-door charm, she was forever elusive to all men, at least, all except...

"What does Jay have that I don't, anyways?" He turned to look in the mirror. J.T. was pretty confident of what he saw. 135 lbs, 5'6, moderate tan, shaggy naturally highlighted hair, a smile that just wouldn't quit. He had come a long way from that geeky little prankster he used to be. "Why won't she..."

"Who?" Toby smiled at a magazine, playing dumb.

"Nevermind."

"J.T., I'm not retarded. I know you like her." J.T. turned to Toby and put his hands up.

"Okay, okay. Emma."

"_Duh_."

"Toby, we said 'duh' in 6th grade. Let's attempt to move on now." J.T. said, trying to redirect the subject.

"Just tell her, James Tiberius Yorke. What could go wrong?"

"You have no idea." Toby looked up and threw the magazine down.

"You're right, so tell me!"

"Toby..."

"Come on! What's the big secret? I'm her friend too."

"Look, Toby...you have to promise not to tell. _Anyone_."

"Cross my heart." J.T. sighed and examined Toby's face for any hint of future betrayal. Satisfied, he spoke.

"Emma's uh...pregnant."

"With Jay's?"

"Yeah! Can you belie...hey, why aren't you surprised?"

"What, you _are_?" Toby, suddenly disinterested, walked to the door. "You want some juice?" He began walking out of his room and down the hall.

"Yeah, I mean, WAIT! Are you really not surprised?" J.T. chased him to the top of the stairs.

"Blackberry mocktail or orange sunrise?"

"Sunrise. Answer me!" He descended the stairs after his friend, huffing incredulously. "Do you think she's some kind of slut?" He looked at the row of school photos, 3rd through 10th of Toby and Ashley. You could tell they were at different places from the backgrounds, at least until Toby's 7th year photograph.

"No, that isn't it, it's just...it's Jay, man. He just does that to girls."

"Why don't _I_? And what am I going to do!" J.T. shouted, depressed and infuriated.

"Just...give in, J.T." He walked up to where J.T. had collapsed on the stairs, his head propped up on his arms. He sat next to him halfway up the staircase and put his arm around J.T. "Look, it's clearly over between you and her, before it even started. She kinda indirectly belongs to him. Unless she..."

"She wouldn't. She'll keep the baby."

"Yeah. So don't even worry about it anymore. Plenty of fish in the sea, my man." Toby smiled weakly. He could relate to the troubles of falling for the wrong girl. "Just forget about her." J.T.'s mind played a slideshow of Emma and him from 2nd grade to just a few days ago, of her in pigtails with a posicle dripping in her lap on the slide at the community playground, afraid to go down, while J.T. sat in the sand at the bottom, arms outstretched, promising to catch her.

He'd always catch her.

"I can't."

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Emma laid back on her bed, lazily punching the buttons on her cordless phone.

_Ring. Ring. Ring._

"Yeah, hey?" a girl answered. Toronto's top 20 music videos played loudly in the background.

"Hey, Irene. It's Em."

"Hey Emma! What's up?"

"Not much, um, when are we going to start work on the S.S. project? I mean, I haven't even really picked a subject." Irene coughed a little, her soft alto contrasting with Emma's higher voice.

"Oh, um...I think I want to do mine on the Ten Avatars of Vishnu."

"What's that about? I don't even remember talking about that." Emma said, brushing another layer of pink paint on her short nails.

"Oh, um, it's about how Vishnu came to Earth ten times to restore order and balance. See, Vishnu represents preservation in the Trinity."  
"Who are the other ones?"

"Well, Brahma represents creation, and Vishnu, and then Shiva, who represents destruction. It's like, the natural course of things, or whatever. Oh my God, I love this song!" On the other line, Emma heard Irene turn the TV up when Mariah Carey came on.

Mrs. Murray was their teacher for Spiritual Studies. Yeah, that's right. Rick's mother. Emma had felt immediate guilt when she learned this. She had remembered seeing the woman outside of Degrassi when she had dropped Rick off for his first day back after the incident with Terri McGregor, but all she could concentrate on was how much she hated Rick. Now that she looked back on things, she realized she had no right to be such a creep to him, it didn't involve her in the first place. If she had stayed out of it, she wouldn't have put herself in danger. She wouldn't have had a pistol pointed directly at her face with his finger on the trigger, a sad, betrayed smile on his face. If she'd just stay in her own business, she'd be much better off. She learned this the hard way.

She wasn't at peace yet about it. She hadn't said a word to Mrs. Murray, but had learned a great deal about her in her past 9 days at Volta Redonda Academy. Rick had been an only child, and Mrs. Murray was devastated. She was a devout Lutheran who had a PhD. in Religious Theory with a concentration in Eastern Philosophy. She spoke to them on the first day of class.

"I love the sense of peace that it leaves me with, especially after reading the Tao. I'm Christian in orientation, but the Tao helps put me at ease that my son is still part of this Earth. He has returned to the Earth, to the molecules in the sky. I can feel him whenever it rains through the soles of my feet when I walk in my garden with bare feet." The class was almost in tears when she described what happened to Rick. They had of course see it in the papers and on the news, and they knew he was a killer.

"Have you spoken to the boy he put in the wheelchair? How does _he_ feel about all this?" Mrs. Murray looked down at the marble floor when Lucy, the young Chinese girl asked this.

"I feel forever in debt to Mr. Brooks, but you see, the best way I can help is financially. I pay a sum to his father every month into his account, but I know the best thing to do is to stay away. They don't want to see me, and I can't bear to see Jimmy paralyzed by my son's hand." Emma spoke up at this, angered that Mrs. Murray wouldn't see Jimmy. She was confident because Mrs. Murray didn't know where she came from.

"But that isn't fair! Rick put one girl in a coma for months! He put another in a wheelchair! Wouldn't the right thing to do be to accept it and show humility? Visit their families?"

"You're right, Emma, you are. I guess I just haven't divorced myself far enough from the situation to do that. I still can't accept that even though my son caused these things, he ended up dead. Terri didn't deserve her fate, but she is much better now. I've heard she's moved on to another school. Jimmy didn't deserve his fate, but he hated Rick. It's selfish, I know, but sometimes all I can think about is that my only son is dead, while the other children live." She wiped a tear from her eye and leaned her heavy frame back on her desk. She glanced around at all of the young teenage faces the girls who would undoubtedly make huge mistakes at some point. "I have trouble accepting things. And so do you. Emma? Is there anything in your life that you are having trouble accepting?"

Emma looked into her grey eyes, and began to shake. She was silent on the outside, but inside there were thousands of voices screaming. Mrs. Murray smiled slightly. "I thought so." She moved on, pacing the room and pulling out her copy of the text, reading excerpts from the first chapter. The chapter entitled In The Beginning, about creation theories.

"EMMA!" Emma snapped out of her flashback and back to Irene tapping her nail on the receiver.

"Hey, sorry. I was just thinking. I think I want to do mine on the verses of the Tao."

"Ooh, nice. Which ones?" Emma pulled out her copy of the Tao Te Ching she had bought on a whim. The textbook had excerpts, but only 10 or 15.

"I don't know just yet. I guess whichever ones inspire me...or whatever."

"Cool. Hey, babe, I gotta go, Laguna Beach is on. You watching tonight?"

"No...I don't think so. I've got a ton of research to do." Apparently their group was obsessed with the show and watched it together every night, calling each other on three-way to discuss the events with giddy voices. Emma wasn't ready to fall into pop culture hell just yet.

"Ok, babe. I'll see you tomorrow!"

"Yeah, talk to you later. Bye."

"Later!"

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1:45 a.m.

Emma laid in bed, books and papers surrounding her.

_I really have to shed my bookworm ways._

She had tackled Algebra II, and finally gotten through the first chapter of her Law textbook. There was way more homework here than at Degrassi. She remembered the days when she and Manny could have a mall trip after school. All this on top of the baby she had.

Snake hadn't spoken with her in several days. Their only communication had been in grunts, and the occasional "Pass the pepper." Her mom had been more supportive. They were on good terms now, and her mother understood the pain and confusion of teen pregnancy. She had gotten past anger, disappointment and fear, and had moved on to mild-disappointment, hope for the future, and the desire to meet the "I'm sure he's a pleasant enough young" man that had knocked her up. Things were looking up in that respect.

But her head was still reeling from Jay's revelation. How could he not love her? He's slept with her, that meant that he had feelings for her, right?

_Don't be a fool, Em. He'll never love you. _She had held together all day since he checked her out. She stifled a scream and began bawling her eyes out. All of her stupid dreams of a happy family, dreams of packing a lunch in a little Batman box, were gone. Blown away. Why had she even thought Jay worthy of those kinds of dreams? She had no idea.

_Fucker, you ruined my life!_

She buried her face in her pillow and slammed her fist down, sobs racking her body. She had never felt so helpless, so hopeless. She could never give this thing in her body a good life. Jay wouldn't let her. She pulled the Tao from her covers, and tried to decipher the words through her watery eyes. She turned to the first verse, Tao 1.

_Tao is beyond words, and beyond understanding._

_Words may be used to speak of it, but they cannot contain it._

_Tao existed before words and names, before heaven and earth, before the ten thousand things._

_It is the unlimited father and mother of all limited things._

_Therefore, to see beyond boundaries to the subtle heart of things, dispense with names, with concepts, with expectations and ambitions and differences._

A few words stuck with her as she turned the page.

Dispense with names, concepts, expectation and ambitions. She began thinking.

_Maybe the way to keep Jay as a part of this is to let go of my desire to keep him near. _

_What the hell am I talking about! _

The thought of letting him go when she only wanted to cling more forced more sobs from her body. She looked at another verse. Tao 3.

_Therefore, the wise person sets an example by emptying her mind, opening her heart, relaxing her ambitions, relinquishing her desires, cultivating her character. Having conquered her own cravings, she can't be manipulated by anyone. _

As she read these words, she relaxed her body, recognizing for the first time the basic idea here.

_Just._

_Chill._

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Well, I hope you liked it! I know you're probably wondering why the hell Rick's mom showed up. Well, for later chapters, I need an example of someone who has survived loss. (uh oh!) This was a long-ass chapter. Thank you to all of you that have reviewed. My utter thanks and a hundred sugar cookies to you all! Mwwaa! I'm glad I can finally be true to the theme of the story, finding peace. I'm illustrating a scene from the story, and I'd like to send it to my first 5 reviewers (with emails, lol.). It'll just be a b/w sketch, but I love to make visuals for my stories. And as always, tell me what you think! XOXO


	8. Atlas

Not A Pretty Girl:Alchemy Dream

Summary: Jay has made a huge adult decision to stick by Emma after getting her pregnant by financial support and...BLAH, whatever. Doesn't anyone else totally hope that he falls for her before everything's all said and done! Safe at home, behind closed doors in his step-brother's 2 bedroom run down house, Jay muses on his situation. Oh, and yeah, if you don't read for any other reason, read for the shower scene. Yeah. For real.

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Light filtered through the dust particles drifting over his head as he slept. A few simple shadows played on his unshaven tan face as the cold front moved into Toronto outside. A small clanking brought him out of the light sleep he worked so hard for all night.

Jay lay strewn haphazardly in the wooden twin bed, tangled in an old brown quilt, one bare leg draped over the side of the bed. His profile became a silhouette as the intrusively bright cloudcover broke through his curtains.

_I've got to get some blinds._

The morning had come too soon for Jay. He had come home early, and laid down for the night around 12:45 last night, but his head wouldn't shut up.

After he dropped Emma off, he had driven around aimlessly, sure that his life was over. It was selfish, he knew, but part of him still wanted to abandon her. But he had figured out, it wasn't because he didn't care, it was because he was...

_Scared._

A child. A child that he was obligated to father. With a woman who less than wanted him around, except for the financial support he could provide.

I_'m only 17 years old, how can I possibly have a child?_

He tried for an hour to remember his own childhood, but he couldn't get past the excruciating bits, the parts where he hid with his mom and step brother in the closet, watching through the crack of light at the man he called his father in a drunken rage, all the while trying not to breathe loudly, as his mom told him. He ended up staring in the fog streaked mirror in the bathroom at his reflection, reflecting on nothing at all. An alarm beeped fiercely from inside the sheets.

7:30a.m.

Jay pulled the crumpled pants from the flannel sheets and fished his cell phone out of the pocket. He had destroyed his alarm clock, so now he just used his cell. Dropping it on the dirty carpet, he hoisted himself up to sit on the edge of his bed. It creaked. Raising one bare arm up, Jay stretched, letting his hand fall onto his head and push his long hair forward. It was getting long. And curly.

_Something must be done._

He rose from the bed, wrapping his arms around his torso, realizing he only wore boxers.

"Hey, are you up?" A deep male voice accompanied a loud knocking. Jay picked up a sweatshirt from the floor, pulled it over his head and walked to the door.

"Yeah."

"How did you not hear all that noise? I made eggs." A man, about 2 inches taller than Jay stood in front of him with a plate of scrambled eggs. He had a thicker frame, and it didn't seem to be all muscle. He had a rounder face than Jay, brown eyes, and blonde hair, not the sandy chestnut colour of Jay's. Overall, they were apples and oranges. His face showed lines, though he appeared to only be around 5 years older than Jay. He had a deep tan with dark freckles that at moments glopped together as sunspots from years of sports. Jay looked at him, pursing his lips into a smirk and took the plate. Under it was an envelope.

"What the hell is this, Shawn?" Jay said, putting the plate down on his dusty dresser. "It better not be a phone bill." Shawn Hogart braced himself against the door frame, waving the dust from his nose.

"Jesus Christ, Jay, clean this place up. And don't be so damned hostile. It's a check. From Mom." Jay tore the top of the envelope open and pulled out a note written on kitschy floral stationary and a check.

_Ronald and Tabitha Hogart._

"I wish she'd take his fucking name off the checks." Jay said to no one in particular.

"Watch your mouth, hoss. She'd never approve of you talking like that."

"Well, she isn't here, is she, _Shawn_"

_$500._

"Look, you had the choice, Jay. After the shooting you had the choice to move back, but you didn't."

"It's too far away, and I'm about to graduate. Besides...now I have some new problems." Jay said to himself.

"What?" Shawn came in and picked up some of Jay's dirty clothes.

"What are you doing, those are clean!"

"Just playing 'big brother'. Besides, they smell like cat piss." Shawn threw them out into the hall by the closet, with the other dirty clothes.

"You off today?"

"Yeah, Jerry let me take today off to get caught up on some bills and...", he gestured at the mountain of stinky man clothes. "Besides, with the new guys coming in, the repair shop doesn't need me as much anymore."

"Are you kidding me?" Jay said with a mouthful of eggs, leaning against the dresser. "You're the only one who knows anything about ordering antique parts. How can they afford to let you slip?"

"Well, in case you haven't noticed, Mr. Honda Civic, no one's looking for parts for western builds anymore, everyone wants the oriental stuff they see on Pimp My Ride, and that's not my strong suit. You can't put a DVD flatscreen and a juicer in a '57 Ford pickup."

Jay laughed at that mental image. Shawn worked at Toronto's biggest repair shop. It was renowned for its success rate in repairs, custom jobs, and airbrush jobs.

"So, chick troubles?" Shawn hollered from down the hall. Jay hadn't even noticed he was gone.

"What?"

"Whatever you were babbling about earlier, some 'new problem'." Jay shoved the last forkful of egg into his mouth.

"Mmph. Oh yeah. Just...alot on my mind...with graduating and all."

"Hey, I gotta go to the bank before the line gets huge," Shawn pulled on a hat and a light canvas jacket, and grabbed some keys from the small breakfast table. "Be careful, the roads are really slick." Jay nodded as he walked into the kitchen after his brother. Shawn stepped out the door, and poked his head back in. "Oh, and don't move that bucket!" The door slammed and the windows rattled. Jay looked around, confused, and dropped the plate in the left side of the sink. He filled up the other side and squeezed about half a bottle of Dawn soap in. Using the sprayer, he sprayed the soapy water, bringing the bubbles to life. Using a dish rag, he absentmindedly wiped the plate clean, rinsed it, and placed it on the drying rack. He then put the skillet in the water to soak. Pulling the sweatshirt over his head, he threw it into the pile and meandered into the bathroom.

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Jay looked frustratedly at the ceiling, at the leak, and the bucket that caught the water.

"Goddammit!" he shouted, kicking the bucket over. The collected water went everywhere, and he got even madder. He stormed to the towel closet and grabbed them all, throwing them down to mop up the water. He took two dry ones off the semi-pile for his shower, and once satisfied that the bathroom was no longer a puddle, he threw them into the ever-growing dirty laundry pile. He sighed, the rage passing.

_I want out of here._

He turned the knob on the shower, adjusting it to be extremely hot, steam beginning to curl from the stall behind the sliding glass curtain. Picking up his CD player from the floor in his room, Jay sifted through his CD collection. _Ludacris, Sparta, Canibus, Jamiroquai, Led Zeppelin._

He picked up an old, scratched CD, rubbed it against his blue boxers. He plugged the radio into the outlet by the sink, away from the spray of the shower, and skipped to the fourth track, as was habit. As he heard the acoustic opening, he touched the water, deciding it was perfect, and pulled his boxers down to his ankles, kicking them into the corner.

Jay threw his head back, groaning as the hot water scalded his skin. He felt it seep into his muscles as they moved over one another in his body. He pushed his shoulder blades together, feeling satisfied as the muscles flexed. Beautiful, never seen, wet hair dripped down his forehead, and he blew the water from his soft lips and sang along, loudly, a startlingly pleasant tenor emerging from the pouty mouth that usually only produced scathing words.

"_And it's been awhile, since I could hold my head up high, and_

_It's been awhile, since I first saw you._

_And it's been awhile, since I can stand on my own two feet again, _

_And it's been awhile, since I could call you..."_

He slowly got lost in the music, the sound of the water, the heat on his body and he began rubbing soap into his arms, his stomach, mostly hairless, except for a light trail that led from his navel downwards.

"_And it's been awhile, since I could say, that I wasn't addicted, and_

_It's been awhile, since I could say I loved myself, as well._

_And it's been awhile, since I've gone and fucked things up, just like I always do, _

_And it's been awhile, but all that shit seems to disappear when I'm with you!"_

Jay was shouting now. He leaned against the shower stall, just letting the water run down down to the tiles. He could only think of her. Only her. He slammed his fists into the walls, comforted that no one could see the tears through the veil of water and steam and glass. His body moved to its own accord, recklessly to the music. He shouted loudly to relieve the stress, the pain, to relish in his dreams, his nightmares.

"_And it's been awhile, since I could look at myself straight and,_

_It's been awhile since I said I'm sorry._

_And it's been awhile, since I've seen the way the candles light your face_

_And it's been awhile, but I can STILL remember just the way you taste!"_

Memories of her smile, the softness of her skin, how she smelled as fresh as a shower, how he had longed to take a shower with her, and how unfair it was that the only way he'd ever get to be that close to her again would be like this, alone in his shower made him shake, made him wrap his arms around himself.

Finally, Jay crouched down, rubbing his hands through his wet hair, heaving from the emotional exertion that he was in no way used to. The soft sound of water falling all around him comforted him as involuntary shakes permeated his shoulders, which suddenly bore the weight of Atlas.

Emerging from the bath of steam, Jay ran his palm along his stomach, brushing the excess water off. He reached for the towel and wrapped it around his hips, walking swiftly into his bedroom. He immediate threw it to the floor, walking nude to his bed, still dripping wet, and curled up into the blankets. He was afraid to sleep, knowing she'd be there in his dreams, just seven inches away, but always out of reach. She always had been.

"_And it's been awhile, since I could hold my head up high and_

_It's been awhile, since I said I'm sorry."_

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Yeah, this was a really short (and Jay-centric) chapter, but everything in my head shouted that that was the end of the chapter. I hope someone other than me thought that scene with Jay singing Staind was hot. As always, let me know what you think! XOXO!

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Author Note:

I wanted to take the chance to say thank you to several of you that have left me great reviews.

Grumpybear62684-_I'm so glad you like it. As for Mrs. Murray finding out, I'm not there yet, so we'll see!_

BabyLolly14-_Your names makes me think of a sheep! Dunno why. I've always been a Spinner/Marco, strangely enough, but when you compare the two relationships, in both cases it's interesting to explore who is dominant in the relationship, who wears the pants. I like to think that Emma does, here, especially in my fic, because it's not about her being weak for a guy, it's about the strength gained through the trials and tribulations with Jay._

Chealsea- _Thanks! Keep reading, I aim to please everyone involved._

Telephoneczar- _Wow, thanks for reviewing, yet again! _

Unleashmysoul- _Aww, I'm all warm and fuzzy inside. Thanks so much. And you read my mind, babe -wink-_

Degrassichick- _I'm still excited that you like my fic. I love My Finest Hour, too. It's very sensitive and endearing while keeping readers on edge, if you can't tell already. I'm honestly terrified of getting addicted to Laguna Beach and losing brain cells. After I wrote that I caught it on TV and watched the whole episode, and thought "Oh, no..."  
_

Newportbabe44- _I'm glad someone likes the addition of the Tao. Yeah, I'm glad Jay said something too, that dork._

Lexie- _Sweet! I'm glad you like it. I'm truly not sure who Emma will end up with, so I can't tell ya. _

Plastic Strawberries- _Gah, why can't I spell popsicle (Hah! Got it!) I'm sorry, I usually spell things pretty well. Yeah, I guess I was thinking that Jay cares about Emma's condition, the fact that he's involved, but he doesn't love her, you know? _

Crazymadscience- _Thank you, darling. Please enjoy._

Queenie12- _I swear, everytime I see "PMS" I think of Midol. _

BlackRoseOnFire- _Thank you for your reviews, they are always intelligent. (gives you a bunnie)_

Blondenhot- _Awesome. I think I should keep writing it too._

Knightsgurl- _Well here ya go! _

A Sinner Has A Prayer- _New reader, woot!_

Mrs.JakeEpstein- _Oh, more things will happen, babe, don't worry. _

Animechick- W_elcome back! Thanks!_

Idon'tknowanything- _Well, you clearly know how to make me happy! Glad you gave me a chance! I love J.T._


	9. Traffic

Not A Pretty Girl:Alchemy Dream

Summary: Emma has a much needed heart to heart with her parents who decide that it's time to meet the young man that is responsible for the pregnancy. Snake is less than thrilled about the prospect of sharing a room with the guy, but agrees that it's time to clear the air in the Simpson-Nelson household.

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Spike picked up the bowl from the coffee table and made her way to the kitchen.

"Does anyone else want more popcorn?" Emma sat up and put Jack in her lap, running her hand through the light brown tufts of hair. It was hard to believe that he was already2 and walking. She looked into his light blue eyes and sucked her cheeks in, giving him a raspberry kiss. His high pitched giggles echoed through the house.

"Em, what are you doing to him?" Spike smiled and sashayed around the corner, carrying the filled bowl with caramel popcorn, 3 orange sodas, and a sippy cup full of organic lemonade. Snake followed close behind, carrying the two boxes of pizza.

"Let the Simpson-Nelson household pizza night commence." he said in a characteristically dramatic voice, holding one arm up. Spike smiled and laughed a little. Things had gotten much more bearable, and Emma wasn't quite sure why.

"Which one would you like, Em, supreme or vegetarian?" Snake held the boxes out to her. "I'd go with the supreme. Mmmm. Peppers."

"There's peppers on the vegetarian, too, Snake."

"Oh, oh, but Emma! The supreme has SUPER peppers. They make you do very well on your Law report. How's that going, anyways?"

"Dad, do you think that we can have a school-free Saturday night? I'm bushed from studying." Everyone stopped and looked at each other. Spike noticed it first. Then it hit Snake full on.

"Did you...did you just call me d..?" Emma averted her gaze quickly and replied.

"It slipped. I meant 'Snake'." Snake looked at Spike and grinned. He rambunctiously jumped over the cluttered table onto the couch beside Emma and Jack. Jack squealed with delight. Snake threw his arms around his daughter, and shook her. Emma stifled a laugh.

"What has gotten into you! A week ago, you wouldn't talk to me." Spike took this as her cue.

"Honey, I was thinking about everything, and I think it's about time we both met the guy." Emma almost choked on her slice of supreme pizza.

_They want to meet Jay!_

A thousand possible disasters played in her head. She looked over to Snake who had reverted back to the quiet fatherly type who didn't want to believe the situation. Obviously, her mom had not informed Snake of her decision, and even more obviously, it irked the hell out of him.

"What do you think, Em?" Emma sat and nervously fiddled with Jack's little feet. Could she really invite Jay over to their house and not expect the worst? What if he cursed in front of her family? What if Snake already knew his rep from working at Degrassi, like most teachers did?

"Honey?" Spike said, her brows furrowing. "You don't have to, if you don't want to. But if he's going to be a part of this, then we need to meet him."

"Yeah, and find out if he's even capable of helping you do this." Snake added, snidely.

"See, mom! That's why I don't want him to come over...because Snake will just grill him all night." Emma spat.

"He won't, honey. Will you Arch?" Spike looked at him, pleading. Snake glanced in him wife's big eyes, and then to the TV. "Arch?"

"No, I won't." he said, like an automaton. He looked over at Emma, who was reclining on the couch away from him. He picked Jack out of her lap and sat him in his. "I'll be a perfect parent, Emma. My word." Emma looked over and gave a weak smile, knowing this would only end in tears.

"So, when should I tell him."

"How about Monday afternoon after school. Is that good for you, Archie?"

"That's fine. Is he vegan?" Snake himself wasn't vegan, but had quickly become accustomed to asking others, what, between Spike, Emma, Lucy and Caitlin.

"No, he's a growing boy." Emma said, smiling. Snake cleared his throat and smiled.

"Monday afternoon then. 6:00."

"Can Jack see Simber?" Spike turned to Jack, who had crawled down from Snake's lap and down to sample the pizza. She panicked and picked him up, pulling the remaining pizza from his grasp.

"Baby, you can't have that!" Emma laughed, and un-muted the Lion King for her baby brother.

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Standing at the sidewalk, Emma's feet felt like they were on Holy Ground. She stood for a moment taking in the atmosphere, the familiar concrete her feet had tread for four years. She watched as early Degrassi Community School students filed into the glass double doors. Emma felt very out of place, wearing her sexy school uniform and all. She had forgotten how it felt to go to school wearing tank tops, jeans and flip flops. She walked towards the front doors, wandering inside.

The public school smell invaded her nostrils, and she smiled. The beat down lockers, the students she recognized. They shifted their eyes towards her, examining her new threads, and turning back to their conversations.

"Hey, watch where you're going, cause girl." came a familiar voice from behind her. She turned around to confirm who it belonged to. But as she turned, an invasive, but lukewarm hug was thrown upon her.

"Hey, uh, Paige! How are you?" Paige pushed her blonde bob behind her ears. She had really cut her hair off short. She had really lost weight, too. She almost rivaled Emma in skinniness.

_Well, not anymore._

Emma instinctually put her hand to her belly, remembering that no one knew (she hoped) that she was pregnant.

"I'm good! You know, hon. Graduating." she said in a singsong lilt. "You look good."

"You too." Emma smiled.

"You know, new year, new look, new Paige."

Oh, how Emma missed Degrassi.

"Well, I've gotta find someone, so I'll see you around, okay?" Emma turned to walk away.

"He's probably in the parking lot, hon." Emma froze.

"Who is?"

Paige just winked and walked away to join Hazel by her office.

Emma swung down the hall, glancing at the clock above the library. 7:00 a.m. She had to be back at Volta Redonda by 7:30. She walked the familiar path through the maze of halls to the back door to the parking lot. As she rounded the corner by the senior staircase, she spotted Toby leaning against the railing, looking for something, or someone. She smiled broadly. Time to surprise him. She walked up behind him and pulled his head back by his hair. When his brown eyes met hers upside down, he jumped back 3 feet.

"Emma!"

"The one and only." She could only be this bold around her old friends. "How are you? I haven't heard from you in a month, since school started." He smiled for a moment, and then suddenly seemed anxious.

"I'm uh, I'm good. But I've got to go." Emma's smile fell, and she grabbed him by the handle on his backpack.

"What's your hurry? We haven't seen each other in a while. Where's J.T.?" Emma looked around.

"Somewhere far far away. And hopefully, he will stay there."

"Tobes what are you..."

J.T. came bounding down the stairs, and stopped in his tracks when his eyes fell on Emma. His heart ached on impact. She looked gorgeous, with her hair tied back into a loose bun, her uniform crisp and pretty. For the first time since the night he altered it, he saw the skirt. He couldn't take his eyes off how beautiful her legs looked, lightly tanned and slender under the short wool skirt. And then his heart fell. He remembered. She belonged to Jay.

She was pregnant and she belonged the Jay.

_Try to be polite._

"Hello, Emma. How are you." J.T. grabbed Toby and began walking fast down the hall. Emma stood by the railing stunned for a moment, then chasing after them both.

"What is going **on** here?" She caught up quickly and turned them both to face her. Toby looked at her, knowing he was going to have to be the one to do this.

"Look, Emma. J.T. doesn't want to see your face right now." Emma's mouth opened to speak.

"And neither do I." And with that, Toby and J.T. turned, wounded, out of her sight. She stood, licking her glossy lips, and ran a hand over her stomach.

_Could they know?_

"I don't have time for this." Emma thought out loud, turning to exit the building.

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She made her way through the cars in the parking lot. Many students sat with their friends, running the battery, to have a before-school smoke and karaoke session. At the far end, she spotted Jay's red Civic, and jogged over. He sat in the driver's seat, with the seat laid back listening to his radio, drinking a Jone's soda. She looked closer at the label, curious.

_Crushed Melon. He has good taste. _

She pushed a few tendrils behind her ear and knocked on the driver's side window. He looked over, surprised. His blue eyes looked very tired. The dark circles orbited around his eyes, and he looked like he hadn't shaved in about a week. He unlocked the passenger side and gave her access to his world.

"I uh, I can't stay, but I wanted to give you this. I would have called you, but I don't have your number. I uh, never did." She handed him a slip of paper, folded over a few times. He sat a minute and thought, reaching into his glove compartment for a pen. He pulled out a blue marker and brought her palm over to him. The sensation of him writing in her hand tickled. He was gentle with her hand, cupping it warmly. He released it and Emma looked at the number he wrote. She smiled at him, and he stuck his hand out to her, handing her the marker.

"It's on the paper." She said, gathering her bag off the floorboard and gripping the handle to get out of the car. He thought for a split second, and pulled her back into the seat.

"Well, I had a crappy night. Write something that will make me smile." Jay said matter-of-factly. She looked at him, and popped the cap off the marker. She brought his warm palm close to her body, wishing communication between them was easier. Jay watched intently at the beautiful girl in his passenger seat scribbling on his palm. She finished, and put the cap back on, stuffing the paper into his palm on top with the marker.

"Don't be late." She smiled and got out of the car, jogging in her shiny loafers under the sunshine back to private-school-land. Jay unfolded the little note that said "Jay" on it, in pink pen.

_Jay,_

_My parents want to meet you for dinner today. It's at my house, of course, at 6. Dress kinda nice, and don't piss anyone off. _

_-Emma_

He panicked. Dinner at Emma's house? Oh, God. Then, he looked at his palm. Emma had drawn a cute little herbivorous dinosaur eating some really big grass or something. He smiled in spite of himself, and then laughed.

_What a fucking dork. _

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Spike stood at the sink, shucking some extra corn to steam.

"Emma, did you get the table set?" Emma paced nervously in front of the window, pulling the curtains around to get a better view of who was parked in front of the street.

"Mom, do I look okay?" She wore a knee-length denim skirt with 2 layered tanks, orange and blue respectively. On top of that, she wore a white knit shrug. She had left her long ash blonde hair down, and walked around barefoot, as she usually did.

"Honey, you look fine. The table?" Spike took some broccoli out of the steamer and put it in a large coral coloured bowl.

"Yeah, mom. It's all set."

Snake was in his room changing from work (hiding) and Jack was sitting in front of the babysitter (TV). Spike dropped the napkins and sighed.

"I wish the men of this household would make themselves useful!" she said loudly, straightening her long denim trousers. Jack, responding to his mom's voice, trudged into the kitchen, where Emma and Spike were rushing about like bees. He stood at the table and looked over it as well as he could, seeing only the edge of a salad bowl heaping with tomatoes and croutons. He took the plastic shovel he had been teething on and jammed it down into the bowl best he could, and satisfied with his contribution, went back to watching Blues Clues.

Just then, Emma spotted as she passed the window for the billionth time the red civic parallel parking in front of her house. Her heart began pounding. They were going to meet Jay. Jay Hogart. She listened as he killed the loud rock music and emerged, removing his hat and throwing it into the driver's seat. He walked up to the door with a hand behind his back and rang the doorbell of the Simpson-Nelson residence. He looked as nervous as she felt.  
Emma swung the door open, and smiled, trying not to look anxious. "Hey."

"Hey." he replied, and pulled his arm from behind his back with a small bouquet of white flowers. Emma felt happy, but looked at him questioningly.

"I just didn't want them to think I was a complete dickhead." Emma opened her eyes wide, and he put his hand over his mouth. "Sorry. I'm working on it. I only said like, four expletives all day, I swear." Emma smiled and welcomed him into the cool bright house. She noticed he had taken heed to her note, dressing in some decent cargo khakis and a dark brown long-sleeved Quicksilver t-shirt. He looked around the house, at the pictures of Emma as a child, the vases and magazines (he laughed when he saw the GreenPeace newsletter), the child.

"Who's that?" Jay asked.

"My little brother, Jack."

"Is he of the Simpson or Nelson variety?" Jay said.

"He's of the Simpson variety." Jack got up from the couch and looked up at him, a friendly expression on his young face.

"Wanna watch blue?" Jay looked at Emma.

"Dinner won't be done for a few more minutes." Jay looked down at Jack who had his hand outstretched. Emma disappeared to the bathroom.

"Mama always says hold hands." Jay laughed a little and took Jack's tiny hand, letting him lead the way to the plush couch. He sat down next to Jack, who then hopped into his lap, bouncing up and down as some inane song played. Jay watched the big blue muppet dancing with the salt shaker and the crazy dude and suddenly wondered if this was a good idea. Then he remembered this is what being a father would be like. He leaned back, and put a hesitant arm around Jack, pulling him close to his chest, and closed his eyes, imagining what it's be like. If Jack was his. He expected to somehow, miraculously feel at ease, but all he felt was nervous. Terrified. Angry. He looked down at the little boy wearing the sailboat tshirt and little jeans with the tiny sneakers. Jack squealed when Blue jumped up and down and started doing flips.

"Come on, Blue!" Jack shouted at Jay. Since he didn't know his name, he's just call him Blue. Toddler mentality. Just then, Spike walked in and turned off the TV, gathering a whiny Jack into her arms.

"_Jay _can't, Jack. He has to come eat with Em and Daddy and me!" She put Jack in his high chair, where he immediately began fiddling with his little plastic utensils. Spike walked back to the living room and gave Jay the once over.

_Not too tall, nice strong jaw line, nice thick hair..._

"Hi, I'm Mrs. Nelson. You can call me Mrs. Nelson or Spike." She smiled at him and shook his hand.

"Um, it's nice to meet you. Jay Hogart." He took her hand and shook it firmly.

"Go ahead and find yourself a seat, I've got to drag my husband out of our room. I'll be back in a minute." She disappeared around the corner, and he looked around the table at what was for dinner. He felt very uncomfortable. Spike seemed nice enough, but he knew who her husband was. The same man that caught him without a hall pass every week, that knew he gave Emma gonorrhea, that tried to fail him out of MI when he found out. He had dreaded this all day. What good could possibly come out of this? And now that they knew he was the father, he was worried that he wouldn't make it out alive. Emma emerged and disrupted his thoughts, placing a vase with the white lilies in the center of the dinner table. She took the pitcher of tea out and poured him a glass. Jay felt useless. He wasn't used to people fussing over him like this. Alex's parents had rarely known he was there, and if they did, they usually let them fend for themselves. Jack threw his plastic spoon across the table to get Emma's attention.

"M, do you love me?" Emma got up, exasperated, to get the spoon.

"Yes M loves you, Jacky."

"M, do you love Blue?" Emma placed the spoon back on the little table, and looked at him confused.

"Who's Blue, Jacky?" Jack clapped excitedly, that he had a secret. Jay smiled a little.

Just then, Snake walked in, wearing a black button down shirt and some black pants. He caught sight of Jay, and stopped in his tracks. Emma had never told them the father was Jay! Jay Hogart, in his home. Jay sucked his breath in and spoke.

"Evening, Mr. Simpson." Snake nodded at him.

"Mr. Hogart." They sat at the table, opposite, and glared at each other. Spike came in and sat down between Snake and Jay. She noticed the tension.

"You two know each other?" She began serving the potato salad.

"Yes, ma'am." Jay said, looking down, wanting to run the hell out of there.

"So, Emma, could you pass me some salad?" he said. She passed him the large clear bowl. Jay looked at it funny for a second, and giving up, used the plastic shovel to serve himself some salad. Emma noticed it, and laughed.

"I'm sorry, haha. Let me get you some tongs or something."

"No, this is fine. The shovel works great." He smiled at the whole ridiculous situation, and passed it to Mr. Simpson.

They all passed food around until everyone ate. Everyone ate until they were full. Snake leaned back in his chair and patted his thin stomach. "Magnifique, mi bella." He kissed Spike on the cheek.

"Archie, speak Italian or French, not both." She got up and playfully hit him with a spoon on the head and began cleaning up. Snake looked at Emma. "Emma, could you get Jack cleaned up a little? He's got a little something..." he motioned at the expansive puddle of green peas all over his shirt. "Jay, could we go uh, take a look at your car?" Spike turned to look at Snake angrily. Snake just smiled. "Whaddya say?" Jay looked worried, and with Emma nowhere in sight to hide with, stood to escort Mr. Simpson outside to his ride. He had a feeling cars weren't going to be the subject of discussion.

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The crickets chirped outside as the two men strode to the Civic. Jay broke the silence.

"I'm planning on getting a new exhaust system, something a little sleeker..."

"I don't like a man that treats his car better than his girl." Snake said, tapping his fingers roughly on the hood. "Look, it wasn't my idea to invite you here, and my wife insists that we become buddies. I can't even begin to tell you how unfathomably angry I am that you did this to my daughter, but we have to get over that. I just want to say, that she is young, Jay. She is very young. But she is strong, and she is smart. Don't hurt her." With that, he placed a rough pat, more like a hit, on Jay's shoulder. Jay sighed and walked with Mr. Simpson back inside.

_God, this sucks. _

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Inside, Emma, Spike and Jack were singing along to some top 40 song on the radio. Spike ran over when the door opened to Jay and took him by the hand.

"Come on, honey, join us in the 1st annual Simpson-Nelson-Hogart karaoke session! It's your turn."

"Ah, I think I'll pass, Mrs. Nelson. It's getting kind of late." Jay wanted out, and he wanted out fast. He picked up his keys from the coffee table and began to walk out. Emma followed behind him, and nudged him in the side hard. "Oh, and thanks for the meal. It was great. Better than anything my brother could make."

"Bye, Blue!" Jack said, throwing a block at him. Jay resisted the urge to throw it back.

_He's a child, man._

Jay felt like this house was a hazard. In the last hour, he had been hit, roughly nudged, and struck by a flying plastic projectile. He waved, surprised that Mr. Simpson waved back, and he and Emma made their way out to his car.

"You can breathe, now." Emma laughed.

"Yeah. Thank God. Fuck that, next time I'll play sick."

"My mom liked you."

"Yeah, well, your dad wants to castrate me."

"He's just...overprotective. But...it is..you did get me pregnant. So I guess he has the right." Jay slid in the seat and turned on the ignition.

"It's cold out here, Emma, you'd better get in, walking around without shoes and all. Retard." He said, relieved the night was over.

"I'm just..." Emma sucked in her breath. She had been planning it all night. "Look, Jay, where do we stand?" He looked at her urging her to go on. After she didn't speak, he unlocked the passenger door and let her slide in.

"Are we, you know, together, or what? I mean, I know you're supporting me, but I need to know if you're doing it here on the field with me or on the sidelines." Jay looked at her and turned his radio up.

_This night will never end._

"I don't know, Emma. I really don't." Emma slumped in her seat. A song came on the radio Emma recognized.

_Am I more than you bargained for yet  
I've been dying to tell you anything you want to hear  
Cause that's just who I am this week  
Lie in the grass, next to the mausoleum  
I'm just a notch in your bedpost  
But you're just a line in a song _

Emma's eyes lit up, and she began drumming on the dash singing along. Jay switched the station.

"That's a pussy song." He looked right in her eyes cruelly.

Emma had had enough. She got right in his face and spit on him.

"Yeah, well, you're a pussy." She got out of the car and slammed the door, making the dash rattle. Jay watched in shock as she ran back to her door. He stared until it hit him.

_She spit on him!_

He smiled a broad smile. Not even Alex had ever had the guts to do that. The car roared to life as he sped down the street. He cranked up the radio, listening closely to the lyrics of the song, and playing it so loud that the bass rocked the block. He had never felt so alive.

_Drop a heart, break a name  
We're always sleeping in, and sleeping for the wrong team  
_

As he quickly shifted from 2nd to 3rd to 4th gear, Jay sped recklessly down the highway back to his house. His heart raced, and his head was clouded and messed up. Emma was the craziest girl he'd ever met. She made him so crazy. So fucking insane! He suddenly had an idea. He pulled over to the median and pulled out his cell phone and the slip of paper. He opened it and struggled to see the number she had scribbled on the bottom. He dialed Emma up on his cell.

_Ring._

_Ring._

_Ring. _

"Hello?" he breathed quickly and turned the volume up on the radio and sang with it.

"_We're going down, down in an earlier round  
And Sugar, we're going down swinging  
I'll be your number one with a bullet  
A loaded god complex, cock it and pull it!"_

He could almost swear he could hear her smiling. She sighed and spoke.

"Jay, you're such a dork."

"You drew a _dinosaur_ on my hand. You're calling me a dork?"

"I am."

"About your request." There was a silent pause.

"...yeah?" Emma said.

"Together. Whatever. Night." he said the three words quickly and hung up. He looked at the highway, the cars passing by at high speed, all the colours.

_We're going down, down in an earlier round  
And Sugar, we're going down swinging  
I'll be your number one with a bullet  
A loaded god complex, cock it and pull it._

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That was way too damn long. I'm sorry. Couldn't stop. But yay! Does this mean that Em and Jay are a couple now! What about poor J.T.? By the way, check out my new EmJay oneshot "Lit" if you haven't already! I think it's pretty okay. Hope you do too! Thanks for all the reviews! And of course, as always, let me know what you think! XOXO


	10. To Claim You

Not A Pretty Girl: Alchemy Dream

Author Note: I can't believe I'm at Chapter 10. Whee, are we still having fun? No, seriously, let me know if you're getting bored on this little ride of mine. Please. Because I'm not nearly finished. It's about to get interesting. Anyways, I wanted to say a few things, the first of which being a big thank you to everyone who's reviewed! I'm so surprised that this fic has been well received. There were a lot of good comments this round.

**PlasticStrawberries**: I can totally understand the confusion about Paige. Hopefully as the story progresses, we'll understand more about Paige and her role in all of this. I'm gonna quote unleashmysoul on this, "_As for Paige knowing about Jay, I would have been more surprised if she didn't. Paige has always just known about stuff like that, she is the gossip Queen. Plus Emma and Paige have always had this secret respect for each other, I support The Emige friendship_."That's kinda where I was going with it. Kids give me the hibbie jibbies sometimes, too. (gives you a popsicle)

**Chealsea**: Yeah, it's weird, I hated it before I actually listened to it, and now it's on constant rotation on iTunes. I guess I can be a music snob sometimes, which makes me miss out on some good stuff! Ugh! I'm glad you liked it, I felt like I actually put something into that chapter.

**Grumpybear62684**: Thanks for the pointer, lol. I can just see me as a parent five years down the road trying to feed my 3 year old baby food. Sorry, I'm pretty retarded sometimes. Wha? He shoulda been delighted that you spit on him! But go you for trying. Thanks for reading my story!

**XxmannyXx**: Yay, I'm glad you like. Wha? You don't care about J.T.?(J.T. whimpers in corner.)

**BlackRoseOnFire**: Yay. I have a lot in store for Emma Jay and J.T., but stick with me.

**Stephanie**: Yeah, well I can kinda see how they feel, I mean, how awkward would it be to fall in love with a girl who's having the baby of your enemy?

**Knightsgurl**: I'm glad you liked it. I'll be posting chapters a little quicker, with school looming in my immediate future. I actually like "Lit". It's my favourite thing I've written. I just can't see it as a multi-chapter dealie, though. Any suggestions? I may not add chapters, but I'd like to know how you'd continue if it was your fic. Thx!

**Maibe Josie**: You're right, I had considered that, but Shawn just stuck. When I pictured him in my head, Shawn was all that came to mind. The spelling is preppy, but a little gritty, as opposed to Sean, which is smooth, being composed mostly of vowels and all. See, there's a reason behind me doing the crazy-ass stuff I do, even if it's a crazy-ass reason. I'm glad you like the spiritual element, I just read so many EmJay fics, and thought "Emma is stronger than that. She doesn't just guy-hop. She has a strong soul that guides her, even if at times her heart skips a little. Thanks for reading. I'm excited.

**XxAngel02xX**: Well, Emma and Jay and J.T. are all going to go through a lot, I think. Just keep reading!

**unleashmysoul**: It's funny, I know you don't care, but I misspelled your pen name like 3 times, spelling it "unleashmysoup". Isn't that the best thing ever? Wow. Okay, anyways, thanks for your review, I agree about Emma and Paige. They are great counters to each other. Oh, J.T. isn't just going to roll over, babe, trust me. Thanks!

**AntiIrony**: Chris Farley r0x0r my s0x0r. Uberly Amazing? Jeez, thanks. I appreciate it, really.

**Degrassichick**: So glad your fic isn't over. Yeah, you know what they say, the underdog always has his time to shine, and J.T. is definitely our underdog here. Thanks for reading and for the reviews! Can't wait for the next installment of _My Finest Hour_.

**YadoDoBird**: Thanks! I am updating as I type this (obviously!) )

**RoxyRai**: OMG, thanks. I appreciate it! (gives you a balloon)

**OneTreeHillGirl**: Now someone has! Thanks, it makes me happy!

**WildCat Firecracker**: Thanks, I'm glad someone agrees with me about Lit being a one-shot. Woot!

**Redkissesforyoo**: Yay! Glad you liked.

**Talia**: I'm glad you liked it! Yes, I'm not really even half way through, so yeah, I'm gonna continue it. Those are good ideas. Thanks!

**BabyLolly14**: Hmm, we'll see about Em and J.T.

**Niki Lo**: You're welcome! And, yeah, it was like 8 pages, so I was freakin' out.

**Newportbabe44**: Whoa, back off J.T. Yay, words are fun.

**FluffyMello**: Shore thing.

**Telephoneczar:** Yayyayayay to you too!

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Summary: Emma and Jay have finally hooked up, even if it is a little bittersweet. Jay has made it clear that his devotion to her at this point is simply his duty, and how long will it be before Emma wants more from him? Can she really remain in a one-sided relationship? Is the relationship as one-sided as we think it is? J.T. believes that he can offer more to Emma, and when he acquires a new way to help Emma escape, how long will it take for Jay to tire of sharing his "girlfriend"?

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The early fall clearness was quickly embraced by Emma as she laid out in her white porch swing. All of a sudden, her life had somehow stabilized. Her parents didn't hate her anymore, they had met Jay, finally, and Jay had decided to stick by her throughout the whole pregnancy ordeal. She was finally beginning to fit in at Volta Redonda, quickly becoming an "it" girl along with Lindsey, Rowan and Irene, but only through association. The four girls had become rather tight knit. Lindsey was the Paige of VRA, only a rich version with a BMW.

Emma hated to admit that she always wanted to be Paige's right-hand girl. Seeing her yesterday had brought all sorts of feelings to the surface. She remembered the short time in which they were tight, how the prospect of being associated with her gave her the willpower to ditch Liberty and Manny. Paige just had that power.

But now, she was with the VRA power clique. They all made themselves unique from the rest of the uniformed clones, buying the most expensive DKNY argyle knee socks and prim, polished, sleek and urban loafers for each season. Emma had practically blown half of her savings trying to keep up with their sprees. Regardless, they had taken her in when she had been all alone, and she was grateful.

In fact, on this early morning, that was exactly whom Emma was waiting for. Every weekday morning, Lindsey pulled into the driveway, and if she wasn't already zoned out in the porch swing, Irene would hop out of the backseat and fetch Emma. Emma would ride to school in luxury, forced to listen to and adore the latest Top 40 hits. The girls were big fans of Ciara, 50 Cent, and of-the-moment indie rock, such as Black Rebel Motorcycle Club, whom they would only adore until the new Postal Service CD came out.

Emma laid out, soaking up the rays that fell along the eastern side of the house underneath the porch in her uniform with her headphones on, listening to what _she_ wanted to, since once she was with the group, she'd have no say. She heard faintly the sound of a car pulling into her driveway.

7:07. They were early today.

Emma got up from the seat and slung her pink tote over her shoulder and stepped down the stairs, watching the ground in thought, her 2 inch heels clicking as she walked. Looking up to greet her friends, she instead saw Jay.

Jay got out of his Civic and walked over to meet her.

"Hey, you know it's not nice to spit on people." he said, smirking. Emma stopped in her tracks, looking at him, confused, still wondering exactly why he was standing there.

"Look, I figured since we're not going to the same school anymore, I'd give you a ride to VR." He walked over to the passenger door and opened it, gesturing for her to get in. Emma smiled at him and curtsied, walking over to the car. She slid in the all-too-familiar seat, placing her bag on the floorboard. He jingled his keys, started the engine, and backed out onto the road.

"So, where to?" he said.

"School, remember?" Emma said, clicking on her seatbelt.

"Oh, yeah. School. I was thinking about ditching today." He looked at her suggestively.

"Well, good for you! I can't miss. They call your house at noon if you haven't showed up just to make sure that you aren't skipping. My parents would _know_ I skipped." Jay looked in his rear view.

"Well, I'll have you back by noon, deal?"

"Jay..." she smiled playfully.

"Okay, Miss Perfect. This sure isn't the Emma that I know." Emma remained quiet.

Maybe it was because Jay didn't know the real Emma. He only saw fuck-up Emma, and he liked that one better than follow-the-rules Emma. Her smile fell and she suddenly felt very insecure. Jay noticed.

"What's up?" he said nonchalantly, hiding his concern.

"Nothing."

"You seem kinda down."

"I'm just thinking." she said, pulling out her notebook.

"What are you thinking about?" he said, turning into the VRA parking lot.

"Since when did you care?" she snapped, not meaning to sound so angry with him. Jay stopped in a parking space and killed the engine. He stared at her, waiting for an explanation. She blushed furiously and pounded her fist on her lap in frustration. "Why don't you love me, Jay? Is it too much to ask?" Jay looked at her incredulously.

"_You_ wanted the truth, Emma. That's the truth." After she didn't reply, he continued, angry and confused. "You want to know more truth, Emma? I wish I had never slept with you! I wish I had never hurt Alex!"

"So it's okay to hurt me!" she screamed.

"Yeah, but you weren't my girlfriend! It was a mistake, Emma, it was all a mistake. I should have left you alone. You act like I'm some kind of creep, because I made a mistake, but so did you. I've changed, and I'm trying to change for you because I have to, but you haven't changed at all." Jay stomped his foot on the brake, pumping it restlessly. They had just gotten together less than 12 hours ago, and already they were in an argument. He looked over at Emma who was in tears.

Emma knew he was right. She hadn't worked at all to make things smooth. Jay was actually trying, which was highly against his character, and here she was acting like a baby. She knew from the beginning that he didn't love her and accepted it, or so she thought.

"So you still love her?" Emma said.

"Who?" Jay said turning back to her after the long silence.

"Alex."

Jay didn't know what to say. Sure, he wished he hadn't cheated on her, hurt her when she didn't deserve it, given himself a rep he had never asked for. But he knew deep down that their relationship had been over for months. Alex was beginning to hang with a different crowd, and Jay was drifting further from the Montreal crew and no one knew why.

"Emma, Alex had been my best friend for like, 6 years before we came to Degrassi. We've been through a lot, you know? But its like we were growing apart for a while. I mean, I'll always respect her...which after what I did to her, is more than she should give me. But I don't love her anymore. I mean, sometimes I don't know what I'm doing in life, you know." He stopped, knowing he'd opened up a little too much. From across the courtyard, they both heard the bell ring. Emma was disappointed. They never had a chance to talk. She picked up her bag and opened the car door.

"Look, just...call me later, okay?" Emma said, shutting the door and walking, depressed, to the school.

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Jay stood at his locker trying to remember his combination. He used it so rarely that he always forgot it. He was the only one in the Degrassi hallway, since he was so late. He had just driven around for an hour after he dropped her off, sad. He had never felt so bad, confused. He had thought about it, in his sleep, in his dreams, when he brushed his teeth in the morning, when he sat in class. Why couldn't he tell her that he loved her? Was it because he didn't? Or was it because she was pregnant? It didn't make sense to him, but he had a feeling that if the situation was different, if Emma wasn't pregnant, maybe he could love her. He was terrified of being attached to her forever, of dealing with a baby he had never wanted. He didn't know why she wanted to keep the damn thing, anyways. Not like she could afford to take care of a baby, and not like he could either. He was working on getting his job back at the Dot. He was just so frustrated! He just wanted to have a relationship with her, to be able to touch her without knowing that some Hogart-spawn was growing inside her!

_I love her._

And then it hit him. She had never said she loved him! For all he knew, it could just be a trap! _She_ just wanted security from him. _She_ just wanted to feel loved! Suddenly, he was angry again. And confused. He grabbed his book crammed with papers out of the top of his locker and slammed it, nearly jumping out of his socks when a figure crept up behind him. Paige Michalchuk stood tapping her foot. He sneered and began walking away. But Paige would have none of it. She grabbed him by the shirt collar, surprising him with her strength, and uh, sharp nails.

"What do you want, Michalchuk." He said with mock-politeness. "Shouldn't you be in class?" She held out a blue slip of paper.

"Hall pass. And what about you?"

"I'm late. So if you don't mind..." and he took off again, trying to avoid more female confrontation. She stopped him again, tripping him with her pointy-toed heel. His books flew from his hands, and papers went everywhere. He looked angrily and strode quickly to her, stopping inches in front of her face. She stood her ground.

"You aren't as tough as you think, Jay. Normally, I wouldn't waste my time speaking to a bottom feeder like you, but I've heard through the wire that you have some relations with a certain Emma Nelson. Is it true?" she said. Jay sighed, then smiled, gesturing like his lips are sealed.

"Oh, I get it, you just think I'll blab all over the place, don't you." Jay nodded. "Well, Manny beat you to the chase anyways. I know you two are dating."

"Dating! She's..." he stopped himself. He couldn't tell her Emma' s pregnant. "She's my girlfriend. You're right." He went to pick up his book and leave. "Now go to your office and leave me the hell alone." He was halfway down the hall when Paige began reciting something that sounded very familiar.

"_Lovin' you, like I never have before, and needin' you just to open up that door. And begging you, might somehow turn the tides, and tell me to. Fuck, I've gotta get this off my mind_."

Jay stopped in horror, and turned to where Paige was loudly reciting the words he'd written a few weeks ago. It had slipped out of his book! She looked at him, grinning, waving the napkin in the air. He ran back and snatched it, hissing.

"Seems we have a poet here. Very nice, Mr. Hogart." Paige chuckled and walked away, satisfied that she'd done her damage of the day. The look on Jay's face had been the funniest thing in creation.

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_I can't believe she saw that._

Jay continued his trek to auto shop, jamming the slip into his pocket. He looked at the clock hanging from the ceiling. 8:12. Well, class was almost over. He might as well veg out. He slowed his pace, deciding to head, instead, towards lit class. Heading towards the foyer, he saw Liberty set up at the stand again, organizing some flyers. He rolled his eyes and started to turn around again. But then, the idea of tormenting Liberty was always a good idea. He smirked and walked over to her, picking up a stack she had just finished, all colour coded and perfect, and dropping it to the floor, scattering them everywhere. Liberty looked up at him, infuriated.

"Jay, if you have nothing better to do, why don't you just go to class. I'm sure that's something you haven't done in a while."

"Oh, like you'd know. Besides, I'm bored."

"Well, you aren't anymore. Pick those up." Jay just stood around whistling, gesturing at the scattered pile.

"Pick them up or I rat." Jay sighed. He hated the fact that she had that control, but she did. Hatzilakos had told him that if he was turned in for bullying one more time, he'd get expelled. For Good. He walked over and began putting them into a disorderly pile. He took a passing glance at the first one and read the column.

**Degrassi Semi-Formal 2005**

**Winter Sunrise**

_Yeehaw, Degrassi students! Help us bring in winter cowboy-style! Join us for a semi formal for the books, an overnight dance in beautiful Wasaga! Join your sweetheart for a dance in paradise, toast marshmallows around a bonfire! Of course, it will be chaperoned by three of our Degrassi favourites, so don't get too cozy around that fire. The event will take place at the Wasaga Beach Area Rec Center, Friday November 11th, 2005 from 5:30 P.M. To 10:30 A.M. Saturday November 12th. If you would like to try out to play with the band, contact Craig Manning. Tickets go on sale September 30th._

Jay rolled his eyes, but once Liberty turned her head, he stuck the flyer in his pocket. After slamming the stack back on the table, he turned, only to catch sight of Craig. Craig had been laying pretty low since his chick, Ashley had left. Not much had been heard from his band, Downtown Bigfoot, or whatever, since Spinner had gone traitor in their eyes, Jimmy was having a hard time playing guitar in the chair, and Marco had been so busy being, well, gay. He knew this was a bad idea.

"Manning." He called down the hall, but instead was hit head on by J.T. He looked up at the lanky boy and pushed him off.

"What is this, the loser brigade?" he said, irritated.

"Sorry, Jay." J.T. said, moving forwards, but then he stopped. He turned to look at Jay. Walking up to him, he pulled his backpack by the straps casually. "No. I'm not sorry." Jay looked at him confused. "Emma could do so much better." Jay pushed him into the nearest locker, but remembering his anti-bullying policy, backed off.

"Go ahead, Jay, Beat me up again. I don't care anymore. That's the only way you know how to fight. But me, I've got more tricks up my sleeve than you."

"Have you forgotten, J. Crew, that we are together because she's pregnant?" J.T. cringed.

"Yeah, I'm trying to forget. Because she's my friend and I still care, even if I think she's stupid for trusting a stupid whore like you." Jay looked at the ground and thought for a second.

"Do you love her, J. Crew?" J.T. looked at him surprised.

"Why do you want to know."

"I just do." J.T. looked for signs of trickery in his eyes.

"I loved her."

"You don't anymore?"

"I can't." Jay looked at him. For once, he saw him as something other than a big dork. He had real feelings for Emma. They were strong enough that he'd stand up to HIM. Jay. His worst enemy. He almost felt sorry for him.

"Yeah, well, good."

_Almost._

He finally got free and chased Craig down the hall. Craig was almost in Kwan's doorway when Jay pulled his leather jacket clad arm.

"Jay, the bell." Craig asked, more than a little confused.

"What's shaking, Manning."

"Uh, Jay? The bell." Craig tried to break free.

"I have a proposition for you. I see you're doing the band deal at the semi-formal. Who's your line-up?" Jay pulled the paper out.

"Uh, me on guitar and...Marco might still be playing bass."

"So no more Downtown Tree-Squirrel?" Jay asked.

"Downtown Sasquatch. And, no. Not right now. Not for the formal anyways. Listen, is there a point to this?"

"Yeah, there is. I play." Craig looked at him surprised.

"Look, I don't want anything to do with you. Or Spin. Just...forget it. What do you play, the triangle?"

"No." Jay looked around, nervously. He knew this was a bad idea. "Piano. I was classically trained from when I was 4 until I was 13." Craig looked shocked. He smiled.

"You, you _are_ Jay Hogart, right? Why do you want to play?"

"Why do you wanna play, Manning?"

"Because...I got stuff to say with music." Jay looked at him, smiled, and nodded.

"So, can you take me, or am I gonna hafta get my own band and run you out of Toronto?" Craig thought for a second. He had lost Ashley, and they needed a keyboardist for the set. But Jay? He's crazy. _Just like me._ Craig looked Jay in the eyes.

"You're in man." He took out a piece of notebook paper and scribbled a number on it. "I'll be in touch." He went inside the room, and Jay heard Kwan reprimanding him. He sighed, hoping this would work the way he wanted it to.

Jay suddenly felt very stressed. He had already been late to two classes, maybe it just wasn't his day. He walked the once again empty halls to the parking lot to his car. His jaw dropped almost to the pavement.

Adorning his civic were approximately 3,000 condoms, attached with scotch tape. He stood, dumbfounded. Who in the hell would have done that? Then it ran through his head again.

"_Go ahead, Jay, Beat me up again. I don't care anymore. That's the only way you know how to fight. But me, I've got more tricks up my sleeve than you."_

J. Crew.

As he stood in the parking lot, pulling the condoms off the windshield, he grumbled out loud.

Today was definitely not his day.

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The VRA power clique walked out of the school into the fresh afternoon sunlight after the 2:30 bell.

"Em, next time you get a ride from someone else, uh, let us know, babe. That irked the hell out of me." Lindsay said, heading to her car.

"Yeah, I'm really sorry. I had a fight with my boyfriend." They all gasped synonymously.

"Boyfriend?" Rowan scoffed.

"How come we didn't know about this boyfriend!" Lindsay said.

"Yeah, if not them, then why not ME?" Irene pleaded. The other girls pushed her.

"Hey, hey! We should all know! So...name, how old, cute, how far?" Emma took a moment to decipher these questions.

"Jay, 17.." she blushed, "gorgeous, he lives on the outskirts of the area."

"No, babe, I mean, how far have you gone? Like, kiss, tongue, oral, sex?" Emma froze. She lied.

"Tongue." Rowan looked disappointed.

"You're such a wimp."

"What? Hey, I'm not one who faked a sprain during volleyball today." Emma said, smiling.

"You bitch!" Rowan said, play fighting with her. Emma smoothed her hair down.

"So when do we meet him?" Irene said. Emma thought for a moment.

"I dunno. We're just kinda laying low right now."

"Why?" Irene asked. Before Emma could answer, a horn honked and a car pulled up close to the group.

"Ooh, Oooh, Em! Is that him?" Emma turned to look at the car, expecting to see Jay, but instead, saw J.T. in a shiny new Pathfinder. He grinned out the window, resting his elbow on it like an experienced driver. Emma looked at him, mouth agape.  
"No, that uh, isn't him."she said slowly, very confused. J.T. put his new ride in park and jumped out, letting the car ding with the keys still in.

"Hey, Emma! Need a ride?" he smiled. Emma looked at her friends. They apparently liked what they saw. J.T. did look handsome, in a brown track jacket, a baby blue button down shirt and olive green surplus pants.

"J.T.! Where did you..."

"My parents and I left school early to run by Jeremiah Motors. I told you that once I was a junior I wouldn't be walking to Degrassi anymore!" The girls all looked at the car, sticking their heads in, smelling the new car smell. Lindsay turned her nose up.

"It's uh, used."

"Yeah, Joey gave me a great deal. $6000, fully loaded 1998 model." Emma climbed in the passenger seat.

"Oh, J.T. These are my friends, Irene, Lindsay and Rowan." They girls took turns saying hello to him and looked at Emma.

"Em, you riding with us?" Emma looked at J.T.

"No, not today Linds, but thanks." Lindsay shrugged and slid into her BMW.

"See ya, girl." Irene said, waving.

Emma turned her attention to J.T. who was now in the command seat.

"How much did you pay?"

"Uh, I paid $500, heh, but still, it was enough to convince them to buy it for me." He started the engine and turned the stereo up. It played Ludacris loudly. Emma laughed, her face lighting up. J.T. smiled at this.

"I've missed you, Em."

"Couldn't tell by the way you and Toby blew me off yesterday."

"I was just surprised to see you." he lied. Emma knew it. She'd known him too long. "Okay, the whole thing with Jay..."

"J.T., that was last year."

"No. What you told Manny." Emma panicked.

"J.T..."

"No, we don't have to talk about it now. I don't want to. But I wanted you to remember what I said."

"What, about the eggplant?"

"No, no. That I'd always be here." Emma smiled and attack-hugged him.

"I know."

"Look, Tobes Manny and I are having a pizza and other miscellaneous junk food lock-in tonight at my place in celebration of me having a ride. We will _drive_ to the grocery and pick out food, then _drive_ back. How exciting, right?" J.T. drove up the hill to her house, being very careful.

Emma looked at her approaching house, knowing full well that her evening would be comprised of homework and loneliness.

"Yeah, I'll call my mom." she smiled. Pulling out her phone, she scowled.

_2 missed calls. Jay. _She felt a pang of guilt at not calling back. He had actually called like she had asked.

She deleted them and called her mom at the salon as they drove slowly past her house.

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10:30 p.m.

Emma, Manny and Toby had all piled into J.T.'s new Pathfinder as he took them to their respective homes. Since Emma lived right down the block, J.T. stopped to drop her off first, knowing also that her parents would be the least likely to forgive for a late curfew. They laughed and sang along to the radio, sipping pop and munching fries.

"Hey, keep that greasy crap off the leather." J.T. said, turning on Emma's street. Emma smiled, though sad the night was over. She had really needed a chance to see her old friends. With the vapidness of the VRA clique she'd found herself tight with, and her moody boyfriend, she needed a night with the old Degrassi group. They had watched Pulp Fiction, which Manny had objected to, but ended up liking and cruised around, wasting gas for over an hour after that.

"Aww, well, bye, Em. Please don't let it be 3 days before you call me again, or I'll totally kick your ass." Manny said, hugging her. Emma took in Manny's signature Dk perfume. She felt at home.

"Bye, Emma, sorry about yesterday. It's all J.T.'s fault." Toby said, high-fiving her. J.T. pulled into the driveway, jostling the group as he slammed on the break. "Maybe next time we do this, J.T. will know how to drive."

"Tobes!" J.T. reached back and slapped Toby with a folder. "Bye Emma. Thanks for taking me up on this, it was awesome." J.T. smiled. He got out and opened Emma's door like a gentleman. Manny "oohed" by J.T. shot her a look that shut her up. Emma hugged him gently, and grabbed her bag.

"Goodnight, guys. I'll call you sooner, I promise." J.T. pulled her into one more hug as a car pulled slowly up to the curb, parking. No one noticed. J.T. climbed back into the Pathfinder and backed out. Looking out the now empty passenger window, he spotted the driver of the parked car, who looked very unhappy. Jay glared at him from his red car that blasted Sparta. J.T. smiled, victoriously and waved. Emma turned to watch J.T. drive off, and instead saw Jay, her boyfriend, looking at her from across the street. When their gaze met, he slammed the car into gear and screeched off. She watched until the taillights disappeared, her heart pounding.

She had never seen anyone look so betrayed in her life.

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Well, long again, but thanks for reading. I can't believe that I had to write that with Emma and Jay, it made me so sad. Ugh, I wanted J.T. to fight back, but still... As always, tell me what you think! My updates may start coming a little sooner so I can get more in before college starts and I have no life again. XOXO!


	11. The Calm

Not A Pretty Girl: Alchemy Dream

Okay, well, no one said they were bored, so off I go again. Thank you all for your reviews, they are as always, appreciated and fun to read.

Summary: Okay, so J.T. earned a 1-Up with the pranking and making Emma smile, but Emma begins to wonder if she's lost her priorities. She's coming up on being 16 weeks now. Almost halfway through her term. Meanwhile, Jay is trying his best to disregard J.T., deciding that Emma can do whatever the hell she wants. But do his actions suggest the same mentality?

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Jay quietly unlocked the front door, holding the end of the keys to keep them from jangling. Turning the lock, he crept into the house, immediately looking on the DVD player for the time.

4:30 a.m.

He winced to himself. His brother had always been lenient, but not this lenient. He kicked his shoes off, deciding that it would be best to move with socks on the hardwood entrance rather than his clunky sneakers. Closing the door, he began walking towards what he thought was the hallway, in the dark. He could hear the wind causing their little house to groan. As he reached the opening to the narrow hallway, he was blinded by light. After allowing his retinas to adjust, he turned, holding and arm up to block some of the light. Shawn laid on the couch, outstretched to the table lamp. He was fully dressed, and he looked angry. He looked at Jay for a minute, expecting some sort of explanation, or apology, but getting nothing, spoke.

"You know what time I got home tonight, Jay?" Jay sighed. Shawn was in the mood for a knockdown drag out fight.

"What time?" Jay said.

"12:45. Do you know what time I go to work today, Jay?"

"No..."

"6:00." Shawn looked at Jay for a minute. "I stayed up all NIGHT waiting for you. I didn't know what happened! You won't answer your goddamn phone, either!" he shouted.

"Look, I'm sorry, Shawn."

"What the hell is going on with you? Where's your head! I laid down the rule. 12:00 a.m., you are _home_. _Here_. Not out on the highway, not with your friends, but here, at my home, that I pay for every month!"

"Why? You're always out at night, what difference does it make?" Jay spat, turning to go to his room. Shawn jumped up from the sofa and chased Jay halfway down the hall, before spinning him around.

"Because I have to be, Jay. To pay these bills. I have to be." Jay looked at Shawn. Shawn was never able to hang onto a girlfriend, since he was always gone at night working to afford their small house. The girls always decided that Shawn loved working on cars more than working on their relationship, and never questioned his reasons. Marissa was the latest bailer, leaving the Hogart 'home' over the summer. Jay had felt bad for both of them, Marissa for having to eat can ravioli every night that he cooked, because Shawn was still at work, and Shawn because of how she had left, keying his El Camino and trashing the little house before leaving without a goodbye. In Shawn's eyes were the hopes for a better future, for him and Jay. Jay knew this. He knew that Shawn and his mom were the only ones who didn't think he was a lost cause. Jay pulled off his parka and slumped into the cushy brown velvet chair in their living room. On the table was half of a cold turkey sandwich. Shawn sat on the sofa, sighing.

"Look, Jay...I'm sorry, it's just..." Jay took a deep breath and spoke.

"I have a girlfriend."

"Well, okay...I'm glad." Shawn said, matter-of-factly. "Alex?"

"No. Not Alex. Emma."

"Wasn't that a chick flick? Alex & Emma?" Shawn's mind wandered to which ex he'd seen that with. "Clarisa?"

"No, Amanda, I think. Anyways." Jay continued. "We uh, we went all the way. Last spring, after the graduation ceremony. We had hooked up before, and abstained from seeing each other, but it just...felt right. It's weird, I thought she hated me."

"Does she?" Shawn said, lighting a cigarette.

"You know, even now...I don't know." Jay pulled out his own cigarette. "Gimme a light" he said, the cigarette bouncing between his lips as he spoke. Shawn tossed him the lighter.

"You need to stop smoking. Don't get like me. It's tough to quit."

"So she gets outta Degrassi, I find out by chance, and when I do..." Jay hesitated, blowing the grey smoke out of his lips, coughing a little. It had been a while. Shawn urged him on.

"She's pregnant." Jay looked down, afraid to meet Shawn's gaze.

"Some other dude knocked her up?" Shawn said, incredulously.

"No, you retard, I did!" he shouted. His brother looked at him blankly. Jay's guess on the Shawn-emotiometer was halfway between furious and concerned. After a long silence, he spoke.

"What are we gonna do, man?" Jay put the butt out in the empty ashtray, running a trembling hand through his dirty brown hair.

"I don't know, Shawn, I mean, I know I have to get a job, but like, where can we live? How can I help her with the medical costs and stuff? How am I gonna graduate when there's no one to help take care of it?"

"Well, you can live here if you need to, but what about her folks?"

"They hate me. They don't even know that I gave her gonorrhea, and if they ever find out..."

"Gonorrhea! I didn't even know about that! Did you get treated?" Shawn shouted.

"Yeah, I used that check mom sent." His heart fell, remembering those few months last spring, when he was universally hated for bullying Rick, and soiling his relationship with Alex and Emma both. Jay looked out the window, his top lip shaking, barely noticeable. Shawn walked over and put an arm around his terrified baby brother. For once, he saw Jay as vulnerable and confused, scared and alone. Trying to keep his composure, Jay spoke.

"I..she doesn't even want me around, but I have to fork out all this cash. She doesn't even want me, and..." Shawn brought him a glass of water from the kitchen.

"Shawn?" Shawn nodded.

"I don't want to have a kid."

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Pulling her grey VRA shirt on, Emma stood in the shower room pre-volleyball match. She had been looking forward to this all day. The real match against Porter Girl's Catholic School was coming up in a month, and she needed the practice. Also, after Tuesday's incident with Jay, she needed a way to rid herself of the pent up frustration. Pulling her skirt off and folding it neatly with her cardigan and shirt, she stuffed them into her small locker with her shoes and socks and purse. Lindsay, Rowan and Irene huddled at the sink, sharing turns with the waterproof mascara and sunblock. Emma rolled her eyes.

"Hey, guys, we're the only ones still in here. Let's go, it's not even that sunny outside." She looked at the clock. 11:42.

"Yeah, but like, you can get UV rays through the clouds that are just as damaging to your skin as when then sun is up at noon." Rowan said, putting on lip gloss in front of the mirror.

"Yeah, but isn't a tanning bed just as bad? Emma said, smiling.

"Who says I tan? I'm just naturally dark."

"That isn't what your boyfriend told me." Emma retorted, smirking. Lindsay gasped and busted out laughing. Rowan smiled, good humouredly.

"Bitch."

She had gotten used to the girls and their wit. Especially Rowan, who hated her at first. She had learned to fight fire with fire. Irene put her hand up for a high five. Emma was about to comply when her locker beeped. She strode over, turning the combination, and fished through her purse for her little flip phone.

_1 New Message_.

Emma opened the message, smiling as she read.

_Lunch on the steps with the old crew. Want me to pick you up? - J.T_.  
She bit her lip. Punching the buttons, she replied.

_You bet._

"Emma, you goodie-two-shoes, you coming? Irene shouted, emerging out into the sand court with the other team mates. Emma looked at her, and nodded 'no.'

"No, got other plans for lunch." she smiled and quickly got dressed.

"Your boyfriend?" Irene asked, before getting decked in the gut with the ball. In the distance, she heard Rowan shouting angrily. Suddenly, Emma had a bad feeling in her stomach, her smile disappearing. Why did she keep forgetting about Jay? Was it because he just wasn't ever around? Or was it because she was running away from him when he was?

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Jay shuffled his feet as he went through the line, grabbing his usual pudding and chocolate milk. He knew he should start eating better, but he needed some sugar to keep him awake after his all nighter. He had driven around the TO area, just thinking, grabbing coffee from convenience stores, visiting the tourist station and grabbing tons of little brochures to look at. He had met his old friend Josh at an all night diner, and talked about nothing. Josh had been a friend from back in Montreal who used to be his pot hook-up, until Jay had quit last month. He had wanted to see Josh, mostly to confirm what he didn't want to be, which was a 24 year old drug trafficker with an eternal five o'clock shadow. Just looking at him made Jay want to take a shower. He waved goodbye to Josh around 3:00 a.m., and drove around, finally heading home around 4:00 a.m. He was a wreck. A sharp elbow jabbed his side as he reached into his coat to pay for his meager sugar fix.

"Hey, did you get my message? Practice at my place around 5:00. You there?" Craig pushed his tray towards the register, speaking faster than Jay could comprehend. He turned to look at him, momentarily forgetting what Craig was talking about. Craig saw this and spoke.

"Uh, band practice, dude. Remember, you agreed to it last Tuesday."

"What's today?" Jay asked, confused.

"Uh, Monday. Are you okay, man?" Jay gritted his teeth, wondering why he'd wanted to do this.

"Yeah. What equipment you got?"

"I got a Kurzweil...it's a little old, but it's programmable and it's really good for sampling."

"Who's all coming?"

"Well, I'm playing guitar, I got Marco to work the bass, and uh...you."

"That it?"

"Yeah."

"Hey, princess, this ain't a lounge. Move along.", said lunch lady, in her characteristically crotchety manner.

"No drums?" Jay paid and got out of the line, letting Craig pay.

"No drums. Hey, but we can program the keyboard."

"No, man, we gotta have drums."

"Well, if you can find us a drummer, then I'm all for it." Craig balanced the tray in one hand and pulled out a map to his house, handing it to Jay.

"Gotta go. 5, okay? I'll bring some chips or something." With that, Craig went to go sit with his posse, hoping Jimmy didn't notice him and Jay.

Jay looked around the cafe, trying to find a place he fit in. So many people had come and gone at Degrassi. He noticed the popular table had replaced Ashley Kerwin with Alex. She was now best friends with Ellie and Marco. Amy sat with the outcasts. He didn't want to be near her. He noticed the geek squad was nowhere to be seen. Of course, we speak of J.T., Toby and Manny. Deciding he didn't fit anywhere, he turned to go eat lunch in his usual spot. The front steps.

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Emma laid back on the front steps on her elbows, eating her sack lunch. Manny laid her head in Emma's lap staring at the clouds that were beginning to clear.

"That one looks like a begonia."

"What's a begonia?" J.T. asked her, taking a bite out of his cold pop tart, searching for the cloud in question.

"It's a flower. I figure you'd know, since you can sew and bake." Emma joked. He punched her in the knee, and she pushed him over. Toby laughed a little.

"Does anyone want this pie?" he asked, pulling out a piece of lemon meringue pie. An arm clad in a black sleeve reached down and grabbed it.

"Mmm. I do. I love pie." Toby looked back, wide-eyed, to see Jay, looking particularly scary, what with the dark circles and all. He jumped, scooting further away by instinct. Jay took a bite and smiled. "Mmm, this is great Issacs. Did your mom make it, or your girlfriend?" he said, mussing J.T.'s hair roughly, antagonistically. Emma felt embarrassed, and shot back at him.

"Stop it, Jay. Leave him alone." Jay looked at her, his eyes wide in mock surprise.

"Oh! Emma, I didn't even _see_ you! Wait a minute! Don't you go to _Volta Redonda Girl's Academy?_ Then...then why are you here? To see your boyfriend?" He shot an angry glare at J.T., who shot one right back.  
"She can see whoever she wants." he said.

"Shut the _fuck_ up, J. Crew. This is between Greenpeace and me." he said, purposely using the outdated nickname she hated.

"I thought I was your boyfriend, Emma. I thought you wanted that. You asked me to be there." Emma looked at J.T., embarrassed.

"Jay, can we please go somewhere..."

"No, I want him to hear me." the anger in his voice died down. He sighed, glancing around at the group who was looking on. He reached into his pocket and took out a crumpled folded slip of paper from his wallet. "Look, I'm just...I'm tired. If you don't want what you asked for, fine. Here's some money, use it as you see fit, and just...call me if you need me or whatever. Bye, Emma." Jay got up, cramming the rest of the pie into his mouth. As he walked away, he pulled his keys out of his pocket to leave. Manny looked at Emma strangely, nodding her head towards the building. Emma picked up her bag and followed Manny to the girls' washroom without a word to J.T. or Toby.

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"Okay, so you asked him to be your boyfriend, Em, but you'd rather be with J.T.?"

"I didn't really ask him, I just sorta implied that it was the right thing to do. I mean, he got me pregnant, Manny!"

"Well still, I mean, he's Jay, the lowest denominator of pathetic _loser_, but still, he has pride. If he, Jay Hogart, agreed to be your boyfriend, and you go hanging all over J.T., of course he's going to be pissed." Manny pulled her shiny black hair into a bun and watched her best friend as she fiddled with the faucets. On and off, on and off. Emma didn't speak as tears fell from her eyes. Manny walked over, her brown clogs clicking and echoing in the washroom, to Emma, putting a comforting arm around her shoulder.

"Look, Em, I know what you're going through. I mean, I didn't get as far as you have, I mean, how far are you?"

"Sixteen weeks. And two days." Manny smiled, knowing how meticulous Emma was. Try as she might, she couldn't hide the fact that she was shaken by the pregnancy.

"You can't run from it, Emma. You decided to keep it, didn't you?"

Emma nodded, reaching up to wipe away a tear.

"Well, do you want Jay to be the father? Or do you want to raise it on your own?"

"No...I've thought about it, and I don't want to continue the Nelson legacy." She let out a sarcastic laugh.

"Well, do you want him? I mean...do you..."

"Love him?" Emma offered. Staring into her own eyes in the dusty mirror. She thought about how many times she'd been in this exact washroom over the last 5 years, pining over some boy. First Sean, then Craig, then Sean again. After that came the Chris period, and finally, last spring, her Jay phase.

Only it hadn't been a phase. It flooded back to her now, standing at the exact same sink.

"I think I do, Manny."

"But he gave you gonorrhea, got you pregnant...are you sure?" Manny said softly.

"Well, I was a player in those 'activities' too. I couldn't get pregnant without, well, you know, having sex with him. And you know, Manny? I don't regret it." Manny looked at her incredulously.

"Why not?" Emma picked her bag up.

"Do you still love Craig?" Emma asked, randomly. Manny blushed. Emma had hit the target.

"Then you understand." Manny looked away, deciding to avert attention back to Emma.

"Well, Em? What are you gonna go? He didn't look too happy with you." Emma pushed the washroom door open and began walking to the front of the school, hoping Snake wouldn't see her.

"I don't know, but I think it's time we had a long talk." she said, walking with her friend into the warm sunshine.

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Jay was already irritable from his practice with Craig and the fairy when he got the text.

_Need to talk. Come to my house tonite at 10. Come around to side – theres a window at your feet._

The last thing he wanted to do was talk (argue) with Emma. He just wanted to go home and take a long nap. Like, one that would last about 20 years. But he had said to her that he would be there if she called. Slipping into his seat, he started his car, turning the stereo all the way up. Regardless of his mood, it should be noted that he bought two chocolate milks at the convenience store after he got the message.

He felt the bass massage his butt through the seat, and leaned his seat back, resting for a minute. Pulling out his Trig book, he stared at the problems, wondering again why he'd decided to take an upper level math course when he could have just gotten away with a cheese class.

_Maybe Emma can help._

Jay tried to shake his conscience away. He lit another cigarette.

_You know you want to see her. And you should stop smoking._

'You're the fucking reason I have to smoke.', he said out loud to himself.

_Haha, you dork, you're a mess._

Jay revved his motor, frustrated, and looked at the clock.

9:55 p.m.

_Well, it's now or never. Time to decide. _

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Emma laid on her bed, looking at the clock. Her parents had gone to sleep a couple of hours ago in front of the TV watching Lifetime. She had snuck out to make some popcorn when she'd seen Spike holding on to Snake as some random girl was dying from cancer. Snake was almost in tears. She had laughed at him to herself for a moment before remembering why he was probably crying. He had almost died from cancer. Sometimes Emma forgot that he was more than an intruder in her family. He was a real life human being with feelings and fears. She looked in the mirror at herself.

She had thought it was strange, she wasn't even showing yet. She almost didn't feel pregnant anymore. She wasn't really concerned about it though. She was still slender, her skin still tan and healthy. She was dressed in a pair of boxer shorts and a white tank top. Walking over to the nightstand, she picked up her little tub of face cleaning pads and began to wipe her face down. Just then, she heard a light tapping at her window. Walking over to the window, she undid the latch and opened the hatch. She looked up to see Jay handing her one of the two half gallons of chocolate milk.

"Hey." she said, taking the jug. "Thanks. Come in. Oh, and be quiet, my parents don't know you're here. Where did you park?" Emma stretched her hand out to help him into her bedroom. Jay took her hand, sliding under the window onto the crate she had propped under it.

"On the curb, a few houses down, didn't look like they were home. I uh, brought a trig book, I need some help and I figured you could do this crap." Emma smiled.

"Why are you taking trig?"

"I'm good in math. I'm pretty bad at everything else, but math is...objective, so I know I'm either right or wrong most of the time." Emma nodded.

"That makes sense. I uh, made some popcorn." Jay sat down on her bed instead, looking at her.

"So, what's up that you'd call li'l ole me?" Emma took a seat next to him and gathered words.

"I wanted to say I'm sorry. For the way I've acted. It wasn't right that I demanded you to be with me somehow and then spent all my time with J.T." Jay went into wounded-pride mode.

"Yeah, well, if you _love_ him..." Jay snorted.

"I love _you_."

Jay looked at Emma in shock. Did she just say...what he thought she did? She loved him? His jaw fell, and his voice cracked as he spoke.

"You love me?"

"Yeah, I wouldn't have slept with you if I didn't. I mean really..." she looked into his blue eyes. "You haven't slept, have you?"

"I'm fine." Jay yawned and leaned back on her bed, mentally relaxing when his big hard head made contact with her soft pink coconut scented pillow. Her room was exactly what he had always thought, warm, comforting, _Emma_. "I was thinking, have you seen a doctor yet?"

"No, not yet. My mom's pressing me, but...I wanted you to come too. I want you to be part of it all." Jay suppressed a groan for her sake.

"Can you get an ultrasound yet?" Emma smiled at the thought of seeing her baby inside her with Jay for the first time. A lot of times, for men, a baby is an intangible idea, something they can ignore, until they see it on the screen, feel it kick, see the belly (which she didn't have).

"Yeah, I could have gotten one months ago. I'm already almost halfway through the pregnancy, Jay." Jay looked panicked.

"I haven't found a job yet, I mean, I wanna work at the Dot, but I thought I'd see if I could get a job at an auto shop first, but...I'll do that soon. What about insurance?"

"Do we have to worry about that? I mean, I'm still a minor, and so are you until your birthday. When is your birthday, anyways?" She laid down next to him.

"February 12th. I guess we can go over that later, I mean, we're covered for now, and my car insurance isn't too much, since I've been driving for a couple of years and I've never had an accident." Emma shifted to look at him.

"What if it's a girl?" she smiled.

"I dunno, what if? There are only two choices."

"No, I mean, what would we name it? We should start getting prepared." Jay smiled and pushed her over.

"Why do you get to worry about the fun stuff?" Emma laughed softly.

"No, really. What would you name her?"

"I dunno, what would you name a boy?" Emma thought for a minute, looking at the stack of books on her desk.

"Jason Taylor Nelson." she stated.

"Not 'Jason Taylor Hogart'? He kidded.

"That would mean that you'd be my husband."Jay pretended to be repulsed.

"Eww, 'Jason Taylor Nelson' it is." Jay poked her in the side. "I've got it."

"What?" Emma said.

"A name for a girl." Emma urged him on. " Ember. Ember Rhiannon."

"Ember Rhiannon Nelson...that's really nice. I hope it's a girl." Emma looked at him, her brown eyes full of excitement, for the first time. Jay noticed and smiled.

"I want popcorn." He got up and grabbed the popcorn. Under the bowl was a book, upside down, holding a page no doubt. He picked it up, shoving a handful of popcorn into his mouth.

"The Tayo Te Ching?" he inquired. "What's this?" He took his seat back next to her.

"Oh, it's for my Spiritual Studies class at VRA. I'm studying Taoism. I have a book on Shinto, too, but I haven't read it yet."

"Lost me at Taoism." He skimmed the book.

"Well, this guy, Lao Tzu formed this school of thought that went against the Confucianists, or as I call them, the Confusionists, and the Buddhists, saying that the problem with mankind was not that they weren't in sync with heaven, as the Confucianists thought, or that we were attached to desires and worldly things and needed to suffer more, as Buddha taught, but that we were not obeying the laws of nature, we were obeying the laws of man. See, 'Tao' means 'the way', and 'Te' means 'Virtue'. He said not to turn away from the 'world of dust', but to become one with the 'dust of the world'. I love the writings. In fact, you're kinda like the uncarved block our uh, teacher told us about."

"So you're saying I'm stupid?" Jay said.

"No, I'm saying you're simple-minded."

"I knew it, you _are_ saying I'm stupid." He tossed a pillow on her, and went back to skimming the verses. Emma groaned in irritation. "I like this one." Jay began to read the verse out loud.

_Because he is constantly filling his being with nonbeing, he can _

_travel the wilds without worrying about tigers or wild buffalo, or he can _

_cross a battlefield without armor or weapon._

_No tiger can claw him._

_No buffalo can gore him._

_No weapon can pierce him._

_Why is this so?_

_Because he has died, there isn't any more room for death in him._

"That's beautiful." Emma said, crawling under her blankets.

"What are you doing?" Jay asked, putting the book down.

"Going to bed. I'm cold." Jay looked at her in mock annoyance. He removed his brown hoodie and tossed it at her. She smiled, and slid it on over her tank top. It was big, warm and roomy. "You staying the night?" Jay looked at her, taking a drink of the chocolate milk.

"You want me to?" he asked, slipping under the warm, pink covers with her. Her bed was big enough for him to stretch out a little, which he did. He laughed as she shut the light out, watching the glow-in-the-dark stars come into view on the ceiling.

"I asked you, didn't I?" she shuffled around, getting comfy, setting her alarm.

"I dunno, I'll say I will, and you'll have J.T. in here sleeping in my spot." he joked. Her fist cam pounding down on his stomach and he groaned. "Joking!"

"So can I take you to the doctor, maybe next week?"

"Yeah, sure. Go to sleep."

"Is there something they can give you to minimize moodiness?" Another soft blow came into contact, this time on his shoulder.

"Jeez, night." He buried humself in the blankets next to Emma for a much deserved night of sleep.

Emma smiled as she inhaled his scent on the hoodie, the musky smell of sandalwood, smoke, soap and waterfalls she had dreamed of.

_This is how it's supposed to be. _

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Just as an extra, there are the songs that have sorta inspired each chapter, Thought maybe you'd be interested, since I haven't really made them songfics. Some of the choices are funny, I think, I mean, Bobby Brown!

Chapter 1 - "We're Going To Be Friends" - The White Stripes

Chapter 2 - "Coming Up" - Ani Difranco

Chapter 3 - "Milkshake" - Kelis

Chapter 4 - "Something For Windy" - Bonobo

Chapter 5 - "Love Thing" - Joe Satriani

Chapter 6 - "Portions For Foxes" - Rilo Kiley

Chapter 7 - "Collide" - Howie Day

Chapter 8 - "It's Been Awhile" - Staind

Chapter 9 - "Sugar, We're Going Down" - Fall Out Boy

Chapter10 - "Don't Be Cruel" - Bobby Brown

Chapter11 - "As Lovers Go" - Dashboard Confessional

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Hope you liked it! I'm so tired, I'm gonna post this and go to sleep also. As always, let me know what you think! XOXO


	12. Waiting for Thursday

Not A Pretty Girl: Alchemy Dream

Author Note_: Ah, and fall approaches. Soon, I'll be back to college and I will have very little time to write and update. Hopefully I'll be driven enough to keep this going._

_Well, I drew another picture on the Wacom of the characters, and it's better than the other one, haha, if you received that. Once again, I'm considering sending it to my first 5 reviewers for being kind and leaving me some comments. The sketch is of Jay, Emma and J.T., just some simple head/torso stuff. Jay looks pretty badass. Also, let me know if I should continue doing this at all, hah. (If you really want the picture anyways, just email me and I'd send it.)_

_On a final note, sometime in the future the rating may go up to 'M'. I realize I've said my fair share of expletives in the fic, and there are several other reasons we'll see in the future chapters. Just a little thought there. Better safe than sorry. _

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_Instant recap. Jay got Emma pregnant at the beginning of the summer. Emma loves Jay. J.T. loves Emma. Jay isn't sure how he feels about Emma, but he's pretty sure that he hates J.T. Emma is now, in September, 17 weeks pregnant and her and Jay have finally reconciled. _

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He had forgotten what a sunny day in Toronto looked like at dawn, as he sat on the third step on his porch. Taking a long, thoughtful drag on his cigarette, he pulled his black parka closer to his body, trying to keep some heat in. Jay glanced at the weather-beaten thermometer with bluebirds on it dangling from the wall that had been left there by the previous owners of the house. 9C degrees. The clouds were amazing, so far in the atmosphere that his mind couldn't fathom heaven at all. The branches moved slightly with a light breeze, allowing sunlight the pierce the treeline. He squinted his eyes and gazed at the empty streets.

It had been a few days since he had stayed over at Emma's. He had talked to her on the phone a couple of times, but she was always the one who called, and he never had anything to say. It bothered him immensely that she was so comfortable talking to him. It always seemed that immediately after his heart decided he could be there for her, his head reminded him that he couldn't. He was beginning to think that some connections were loose in his brain, like the one connected to his heart. He felt even worse as he reached into his pocket for the bag of marijuana he had dug out from the depths of his sock drawer.

He never could commit to anything. To Alex, to Emma, to staying drug free...

Very few people had been capable of making any kind of impact in his life. His mother was the only woman he truly respected. Even if he still harbored an anger for having to live with his brother, he couldn't find too much bad in the situation if he tried. Shawn had done everything possible to ensure his safety, even when it backfired (which it usually did.) Cameron had been a true friend, even when he had kicked Jay out of his circle for a while when he invited the Montreal Crew to his house and Amy had gotten alcohol poisoning. He got a call from him about once a month from Wasaga, reporting how the new life was going, about the girls, if there were any, etc. Jay hadn't yet told Sean about Emma. He had rationalized with himself that it'd be perfect to tell him when he found out the gender of the kid. He'd find any excuse he could to keep Sean from knowing. He'd always known deep down that even though Sean and Emma would always be tight as friends, he'd never get over her. Sure, he had loved Ellie, and he always would because he's one of those guys that will always kinda love the girls they ditch, but there was something about Emma.

And Jay saw it.

He found himself jealous that he would probably never amount to enough to satisfy her like Sean had. Sean could go to bed with a girl, and pillow talk her into pacification, and in the morning detach himself and leave. It was a skill Jay didn't have, a trick he didn't possess. Even with the fallout with Alex, he'd been sick at himself for about a week, but he had been capable of training his mind to push the six years of memories to the back burner. Sure, he'd never forget her, but he'd never love her again. There was no point in trying.

He held the ziploc bag up to the light, wondering why he did the drugs anyways. They were temporary, and he needed to smoke more every time to get to his "place". He used to love the smell of pot, the burning sensation the good stuff gave him. He used to love getting stoned in his car back when he first moved here and had no friends. But things changed. He met Sean, who was very anti-drug, but was pro-theft, which was good enough. Alex had been the one to introduce him to marijuana, and to the harder drugs when things got hard with her home life. By the age of fourteen he had gatewayed into acid, sneaking out to trip at _those_ kind of parties. By the time he reached Degrassi, he had sampled every club drug he could get his hand on. But throughout his stint, marijuana had been the most faithful, always giving him the high without the nasty after effect of a lost friendship, depression, or waking up in bed with a stranger.

Things changed slowly, and all signs traced the beginning of his detachment with drugs to the beginning of his interaction with Emma. For example, he had needed a smoke something fierce when driving Sean, Emma and Ellie to Wasaga before Sean's fallout with his family. He knew Sean wouldn't approve, but he wouldn't care too long, and Ellie had been hanging with Alex a little, so he was sure she had been around it before. He pulled out the the joint, happy for once that he wasn't driving, and began to light it, when Emma reached forward and pulled it from his fingers, throwing it out the window. He felt the anger rising in his gut as the expletives flew from his lips, getting even angrier when she ignored them. The tension disappeared when he looked down at her, buried in the sand, smiling. Looking at the fiery sunrise, he felt a smile creep to his face.

And he had hardly touched pot since.

"Jay, breakfast." Shawn emerged halfway from the door, unshaven and disheveled, dressed in sweatpants and a black hoodie. Jay shoved the bag into his pocket hastily, hoping his brother hadn't seen him with the weed. Shawn had always been the clean cut Hogart brother. Standing up, he ground the cigarette out with his foot and stepped in the house, rubbing his arms.

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Jay walked out the door, chewing a sausage biscuit. Jangling his keys, he opened his door, throwing his books roughly into the back seat. Lately boredom and denial had forced him to do homework. Sliding into the driver seat, he started the engine, letting it warm up for a minute, before taking off down the street. Fiddling with the buttons, he cranked up the heat, shivering when the air was at first cold. As it warmed, he adjusted his stereo.

_I keep forgetting to bring CDs._

Turning the dials on the radio, Jay searched for a station he could tolerate. Starting the dial at 104.5, he caught the beginning of a Mariah Carey tune. Rolling his eyes, he changed it a millisecond later. He skimmed past the classic rock station and to 102.1, The Edge. Leaving the dial alone for a moment he was satisfied with song that came on.

He noticed while driving past it that people were beginning to gather at Degrassi, even at 7:15.

_God, don't these people have anything better to do?_

His trek finally took him to the Dot. Parking his car in the spot by the dumpster that he usually took, he noticed Spinner's red and white race striped car parked by the fence. Spinner had been taking the early bird shift to get in a good two hours before school. It gave him a reason to avoid Degrassi. Why should he come early? No one wanted him there, even if he had showed incredible, un-Spinner like resolve to be a better person. Jay was the only one that noticed. And the fairy, who would talk to him on occasion.

Every morning Spinner would open the Dot at 6 a.m., and sometimes even close it at 11 p.m.

_Speaking of not having anything better to do._

Jay pushed the glass door open and sat at the bar next to a middle aged man reading the paper over coffee and eggs. Spinner emerged at the sound of the bell on the door and smiled, seeing Jay. He put his hand out for a shake. Jay took it, and looked at the menu.

"How's it going, Hogart?" He wiped his hands with a rag.

"Not bad, Spinster. Not bad."

"Heard you're back with Nelson." Jay cringed. Had word gotten so far that even the school outcast knew?

"Yeah, sorta." he mumbled. "Hey, lemme have a couple of waffles." Spinner took out a pad and scribbled down the order. "And a coffee. Sugar and crème."

"Whipped crème for the waffles?" Jay looked embarrassed.

"Yeah."

"Be right back. I'm gonna eat with ya before school."

Jay pulled a newspaper off the rack, and quickly put it back after disorganizing the pages, disinterested. He glanced around the diner. It was so comforting. He always felt good when Spinner was working. He'd always have someone to shoot the breeze with. Spinner might be straight cut, but hell, he was good company in lonely times like these. The sounds of clinking plates and forks and glasses in the kitchen, the low murmur of the few early morning customers, the flipping of papers of lower middle class construction workers, it all made him feel at ease. He loved the morning ambiance of the Dot. It's where he wrote his best. He reached forward and grabbed a napkin, unfolding it to roughly 5"x7" size and grabbed a pen from over the counter by the register. Clicking the pen restlessly he let the words emerge from his head.

_A joke of a romantic, laying the words down with hesitation_

_I'd sleep in this diner, wondering if anything's worth anticipation_

_You weren't my first mistake, but you'll cost me it all_

_Somehow I'm tired of watching, waiting for you to fall _

He scribbled the sentiments with his illegible writing, staring at it, scratching out words and adding others. The editing process was a bitch to him. He'd spent years writing words, but never knew which ones to keep. He always ended up with an excess of words he didn't know what to do with.

He knew that his lines were juvenile at best, and never lacked any clarity. Spinner came around from the counter balancing a large red tray on the palm of his hand. He sat the waffles and coffee down in front of Jay, and next to him a plate with scrambled eggs, biscuits and gravy and a tall glass of milk. Jay nodded his thanks.

"How much?"

"On me." Jay looked at him briefly and smiled before attacking the waffles. They ate in silence for a few minutes before Jay spoke.

"So, I have band practice tonight." Spinner almost choked.

"You? Band? What did_ I_ miss?" he said, chugging the milk.

"We need a drummer." He looked straight at Spinner, taking a sip of his coffee. Spinner smiled crookedly and looked down. "You been in practice?"

"Yeah, man...but...that's awesome. I mean, who you playin' with?" Jay closed his eyes and hoped for the best.

"Craig and Marco." Spinner sighed and shook his head.

"I can't. They don't want me. And now that I think about it, why the hell do they want _you_?" He went into self-pity mode. Jay looked at him incredulously.

"Why do I care? They told me that if I could find a good drummer, that he's in. And I found one. It's your calling. I mean, if you wanna spend all your free time at the Dot, fine by me, but..." Jay shrugged. Spinner sat, looking thoughtfully into his glass.

"I'm in."

"Good. Want me to pick you up?"

"...sure."

"Okay, 6:00. Be ready." Spinner smiled and looked at the clock. 7:55.

"I better get this cleaned up." With that, he piled the plates back on the tray and bussed them to the sink. Jay left short after, leaving a $4.00 tip.

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"I'm really worried about her, Archie. I mean, when I was like, 17 weeks, I looked like a watermelon with legs and a mouth. Seriously. I mean, she isn't showing yet." Spike sat on the couch reading a book while Jack built an exceptionally large tower out of blocks.

"Mama, look it's a dinosaur!" Jack squealed.

"Look at you! You're a little architect!" Spike exclaimed. Jack looked proud, though he wasn't quite sure what an 'architect' was.

"Well, let's wait 'til she gets home, and we'll get her a doctor's appointment." Spike smiled, content that Emma was finally getting some care. She knew the reason Snake hadn't brought it up to her was because lately funds were being pretty well emptied by his doctor bills, and he didn't want to add to her worry. But still, her concern was genuine. Things didn't seem to add up.

As the thoughts ran through her head, she heard the screen door open, and Emma walked through, dragging her corduroy messenger bag.

"Hi, mom."

"Honey, what happened to your bag?"

"It's too heavy, it hurts my back. I think I pulled a muscle." Spike got up and lifted the bag, putting it on the couch.

"Jesus, what do you have in there, Em?"

"Mostly just a few books, and my purse too..." Emma stood against the door frame, stretching her back.

"You okay, honey?"

"Yeah, I'm just gonna go lie down for a while or something."

"Why isn't your boyfriend giving you rides?" Snake said, going into concerned-parent mode. He strode over and handed her a plate with a veggie burger and lettuce, tomato on the side.

"Snake, he gets out of school when I do."

"Just wait there, ask him to pick you up." Snake suggested.

"I guess, I'll ask him. Thanks" she said, accepting the plate. "God, I'm so hungry." she said, immediately scarfing the sandwich. Spike smiled.

"That's a good sign." she thought out loud.

"What is?" Emma said, confused.

"Uh, that you're eating. We were starting to think something was wrong with you, having not been eating much lately." Emma shrugged and walked down the hall, intercepting Jack.

"EMMMM!" he squealed, endlessly happy to see her. She smiled, lifting the boy off the floor and spinning him around.

"Are you causing trouble, you?" she giggled, tickling him a little.

"Nooo! Mama said I was gonna be a arc-kit!" he said, indignantly. Emma looked at him, confused. Jack sighed. "I built a dinosaur! But I knocked it down."

"Ohhh, an architect." Emma smiled. "What is mama fixing for dinner?" she asked.

"Tofu tacos." Snake smiled in mock-excitement. "Hey, Em. I wanted to tell you, we're gonna get you an appointment, just kinda see what's going on with you. It's the same doctor your mom had when she was pregnant with you." Emma frowned.

"Uh, Jay already got me an appointment for tomorrow, so there's no need."

"Well, I'm surprised that he was capable of doing that. Where is it?" Snake said. Emma rolled her eyes.

"The Littleton OB/GYN, I think. It's at 2:15 tomorrow afternoon. He said he'd come pick me up." Snake looked at her, worried.

"Do you need us to come?" he said. Emma didn't know the answer. She was looking forward to her independence, but at the same time she was a little scared.

"Whatever you want." she smiled.

"We'll be there, then. I'm sure you'll need funds, anyways." Snake smiled. He was so nervous.

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Emma locked her door and laid on her unmade bed. She rubbed her stomach, and reached over for her phone. She had been trying to calm herself all day, but the impending thought of seeing the baby on the screen with Jay had taken over her life. Her mind was a flurry of thought, from excitement, pride of being halfway through, to fear. What if something went wrong. What if the baby was born with a foot where the eye should go? What if Jay was a horrible father? What if she was a horrible mother? Had he found a job yet? She felt like their lines of communication were still to few and far between.

_Calm down, Emma. He cares about you. _

She relaxed back on the pillow. Strangely, the most important and all-consuming thought in her head was what colour the eyes would be. Genetically, it would probably have her dark, rich brown eyes, because they were dominant to his blue-ish green ones. But secretly, she hoped they would be blue.

She had studied his eyes when he was driving, when he wasn't looking. She loved the colour. It reminded her of light blue glass.

He was right, she was only thinking of the fun stuff. She was excited about the naming process. She thought he had picked a beautiful name.

_Ember Rhiannon_.

Even she couldn't have thought of such a gorgeous name, one that flowed off the tongue, suggesting strength, a fiery beauty. It enraptured her to imagine her and Jay combined, their personalities, both outspoken and sometimes too opinionated, both considerably good looking. Her book smarts, plus his street smarts. Shaking her head, she reached over to get her cell phone from her bag. She dialed Manny's number while she peeled her nail polish off. Bad habit.

"Hello?" Manny answered.

"Hey."

"Hey! What's up?"

"Nothing, just wanted to say hey." Emma smiled. "Jay's taking me to the clinic tomorrow."

"Ohh! That's so romantic!" Emma snorted.

"Romantic! He probably just wants to make sure it isn't dead." Emma frowned at the thought.

"Way harsh, Em. So, are you, you know, ready?"

"...I dunno, Manny. I mean, I'm excited that I get to kinda see, proof that it's there, but I mean, it confirms the fact that from this day forth I have no life."

"That isn't true. Look at your mom! She's having the time of her life."

"Yeah, Manny, she comes home from work, takes care of Jack, eats with Snake and me, and sits in front of the tube until she goes to bed at the super-late hour of 10:00. She's really got a helluva night life." Emma laughed, sadly. "Manny, do you ever...regret having the abortion?"

"Well...I think about it sometimes, I mean, it makes me sad, yeah, but I want to _do_ something with my life. I found a way to remember her though, by tying a little pink ribbon on my bedpost. It helped me cope for a while."

"You wanted a girl?"

"Yeah."

"What would you have named her?" Emma asked.

"Craig had a name picked out, for a girl or a boy." Manny laughed nostalgically. "For a girl he wanted Rhoda Renee. For a boy he liked Reuben Clark." They both busted out laughing.

"Wow. WOW, Manny. So what did you want?"

"I named her Rosaline Christine." she said softly. The baby really existed to her, even if she was a ribbon on a bedpost. "So what did you and Jay decide?" her voice perking up.

"For a boy, I want Jason Taylor."

"Nice, it has a good ring to it. Girl?"

"Jay wants to name her Ember Rhiannon."

Silence.

"Em, that's beautiful."

"I know. I looked it up, it means "A mythological nymph of the dying fire."

"Wow. Deep." Manny said, crunching loudly on some chips. "So, what time is your appointment tomorrow?"

"It's at 2:30. No, 2:15." she replied. "Can't wait for them to poke and prod around at me!" she said sarcastically.

"Yeah, part of me is glad I never had to go through it all." Manny said. "HEY! I have a great idea. Let's go shopping tomorrow after you get home. It'll be a 'Congratulations Emma and Jay' party, just me and you. And Jay if he wants to come."

"And he won't."

"Just ask him, Em! I can tolerate him for a few hours for you. Really. We can go eat at somewhere other than the Dot, somewhere nice! Ooh, and we can go shopping for clothes, and..."

"..And you want Jay to come..?" Manny hesitated and sighed.

"Okay, burgers, fries and a flick. How does that sound?" Emma laughed. She loved Manny. She was trying so hard to be there for her. Emma had a feeling Manny was reliving her pregnancy through Emma. Emma's baby would be the one Manny never had.

"That sounds great. I'll give you a call tomorrow after I get home."

"Okay, take it easy, mama."

"...Don't call me that."

"'K. Bye."

Putting down her phone, she exhaled loudly. It was nice to have people to talk to other than Jay. Manny understood what she was going though. It helped her to be able to get all her anxieties and frustrations out. Emma got up and pulled on some sweatpants and a tank top. She then reached under her covers and pulled out Jay's brown hoodie. She loved the smell, the comforting bagginess. Slipping it over her head, she stretched, enjoying the slight burning of her cramped muscles. Crawling into her bed, she cracked open her books.

_No rest for the weary._

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Jay pulled up to the Mason's house. Spinner's sister, Kendra glanced out the window on the door, scowling. Jay laughed as he heard her yell for Spinner all the way inside the house. Spinner came into view in the window, looking at Jay for a moment. As he made his way out the door, Kendra gave him a little push, sending him tripping over the steps. He looked back and glared at her for a moment, before turning and hopping in the passenger seat. Jay laughed at him.

"You're a real dork, Spinster."

"My sister's a bitch sometimes."

"Didn't notice." Jay said, handing Spinner a can of pop.

"Thanks." Jay didn't reply, instead pulling away from the curb and driving off. He didn't like to acknowledge his own random acts of kindness. He turned onto the main road, heading towards the nicer part of town, where the Jeremiah's lived. The first time he had come to Craig's house, he felt very jealous. Craig's father had been just like his, abusive, mean, hateful. But somehow, he had gotten a much more promising fate than Jay had.

As he pulled in the driveway behind Joey's car, he looked over at Spinner. Spinner had a stony look on his face. It had been months since he'd been here. He looked at the big two story house, a happy place where Jimmy and Marco hung out. He noticed the wooden ramp that was propped against the wall on the porch for the wheelchair.

"Hey, you ready?" Jay said, pulling a liter of root beer out of the back.

"No." Jay waited and looked out the windshield.

"Now?"

"I guess." Spinner tucked his sticks in his back pocket and waited for Jay. They walked around to the side door by the garage and Jay knocked. He heard footsteps. Marco pulled the door open and grimaced.

"Aw, Jay, what is Spin doing here?" he said loudly enough that Craig came over.

"Yeah, what's Spin doing here?" Craig said, all business.

"He's our new drummer." Jay said, matter-of-factly.

"Uh, did you fall and sustain a head injury?" Marco quipped.

"No, I didn't. Look, we all know he's a prodigy. Just let what happened go. Why can you let me in and not Spinster?" Jay rationalized. They were stumped. Craig walked over and pushed Spinner hard, malice in his eyes.

"Trial basis, you bastard. Trial basis." Spinner looked down and nodded. The group moved to their posts in the comfy garage. Craig sat on the old couch with his acoustic guitar, and began strumming a melody he had been working on. It was a soft song, moving from one chord to the next. A simple two chord progression in in 4/4 time. It was rough, but pleasant.

"Craig, I worked all night last night, but I can't think of a good bass line. I mean, the guitar is so soft. What key are you playing in?" Craig played a quick arpeggio.

"B flat."

"Good." Marco said, tuning his bass. "Simple enough." He began plucking the strings a little, trying to see how softly he could play.

Jay seated himself at the keyboard, pulling out the napkin he had scrawled on earlier that morning. He read them to himself softly, and put his fingers on the keys.

When he was younger, in Montreal, his mother had refused to put him in any sports that required any impact, so she decided to put him in music, much to his chagrin. He was taking classical piano lessons at age 4. He was, over the course of nine years, educated and trained in classical, jazz, and blues piano. He came to respect several of the greats, including the bombastic, quick Jerry Lee Lewis, the sensual Moonlight Sonata by Beethoven, which took him 2 years to master all the movements, and the class of Harry Connick Jr., who was in the process of bringing the big band sound back to modern music. He wished he could be these musicians, to become so enveloped in their work they forgot the outside world. But by 13, peer pressure kicked in and Jay abandoned his musical future, disappointing his mother, who had shelled out nearly $400 a year for private lessons.

His instructor had always told him he had a disadvantage, having hands that were on the small side. Their span reached only an octave plus two. Pressing down on the keys, he began playing a hard, loud melody. Craig stopped, looking at Jay.

"Jay, it's a ballad, not a rock opera." Jay sneered.

"It needs power to it, Manning. I'm not here to play pussy music. If you want that, hire your girlfriend."

"Hey!" Craig said, indignantly. "It's for the _semiformal_. It needs to be a ballad. Play it softer."

"What should I do?" Spinner said, piping up. Craig looked at him and walked over, illustrating the tempo by clapping his hands lightly. Spinner looked thoughtfully, and tapped a beat on the trap every other beat, letting the cymbal slide a little on the third. Craig smiled in spite of himself. Thought Spinner was a pain, he knew his way around a drum set.

"Look, just go easy on the cymbal, and maybe a roll on the fourth. And give it more energy, maybe a hip-hop interruption in the break." Spinner nodded and paradiddled around a little, trying to get back into the swing.

"What about this," Marco plucked a clumsy line.

"Yeah, that should do. Just like, uh..." he took the bass and calculated. "One, two, tree, four, one, NOW." Marco picked it up and tried it.

"No. Like this." Jay interjected and tapped on pedal to simulate the beats in the measures. "One, two, three, four, one, two, three NOW. Slide into the bassline to keep it softer." Marco looked at Craig.

"Try it." Craig walked over and picked up his guitar, strumming the intro, and Marco slid into the third measure, Spinner coming in on the fourth."

"Ok, ok. Stop. Not bad guys." Craig said, surprised. "What about you, Jay? You playing or shouting orders?"

Jay looked at Craig and smiled. "Take it again." The band started up again, and this time, Jay waited for his entrance with Spinner. The piano and the soft trap packed a punch, with Jay's lilting, simple melody. On the eighth measure, he began humming a rough melody, his eyes closed, the strong tenor taking over. He stopped when he realized no one else was playing but Spinner. Marco and Craig just stood, mouths agape. Spinner had his eyes closed, unaware that he was the only one playing, and Marco jabbed him with the neck of the bass.

"You...you can sing?"

"No. I can't." Jay said, wanting to move on

"Yes you..."

"NO. You are singing. Get whatever idea you have out now." Craig shrugged and smiled.

"Break time, anyone want chips?" Craig said.

"Heck yeah! Any spray cheese?' Spinner asked, speaking up for the first time. Craig, in a much better mood, repressed his excitement that they were getting somewhere.

"Yeah, I think we do."

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Jay plopped himself on his bed, taking a bite of his candy bar. After dropping Spinner off he had gone to get fast food, and some cash out of the bank. Shedding his jacket and shoes, he picked up his cell phone to call Emma.

"Hello?"

"Hey."

"Hey." she said.

"So...you feeling alright?" he asked, trying to be nice. He was nervous.

"Okay, how are you?", her soft voice inquired.

"I'm good. Fine." he said.

"Im nervous. You?"

"Nah. It's nothing big. Just a checkup."

"It's gross though, I don't want them poking in me or anything."

"They won't."

"Like you know." she said, laughing. He yawned, anxious to get off the phone.

"So, I'll pick you up at VRA at 1:30?" he asked.

"Um...can you pick me up earlier? Maybe we could spend some time before that." His heart jumped.

"Yeah, sure. Just call me."

"Okay...well, goodnight. I'll see you tomorrow."

"Okay. Bye."

"Wait, Jay?"

"Yeah?"

"Thanks." Jay smiled.

"No problem, kiddo. Til tomorrow." He closed his eyes and hung up, falling asleep on the spot.

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Thanks for reading, and I'll see you next chapter. Thanks for the reviews! You all rock hard. And as always, let me know what you think. XOXO


	13. Heartbeat

Not A Pretty Girl:Alchemy Dream

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**A/N**: I want to thank everyone who has read and reviewed. I really appreciate it. I know this is a bad point in the story, but after this chapter, I will take a bit of a break from it for a few reasons.

-I've gotten kind of outdone with this story. I feel frustrated and burnt out on it right now, so I hope that this chapter won't suck. I _do_ have every intention to finish this story, don't worry. But right now it seems very daunting, as it will in all likelihood be at least 10 more chapters to the finish. After a little while, I will begin again when it's a little fresher in my mind.

-I'm starting school very soon, and I really need to devote a great deal of energy towards the first couple of weeks. I imagine that once I know what to expect with my classes, things will plateau off a little, and I can enjoy non-priority things again.

-I am planning on pursuing a new genre of fanfiction that I've dreamed of : Star Wars. Yes, I am a hopeless Star Wars geek. If you are interested, and are pro-slash, or slash-tolerable, then look out for it! I'd be _way_ thrilled if any of you read/reviewed it. I've got a couple of one-shots in mind. I hope to post the first before next week.

I thank you for your patience, truly. Enjoy the chapter, and as always, let me know what you think! Next chapter will possibly be the start of the 'M' rating, so be warned. Love you guys! XOXO - Sarah

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_4:44 a.m._

She shuffled her bare feet under the sheets, seeking the cool spots on the sweaty mattress. After a few tedious moments passed, Emma held a staring contest with the alarm clock, willing it to turn to another minute, another hour.

_4:45 a.m._

She sighed loudly, grabbing a nearby ball of fluff from the little basket on her floor. Holding the animal up to the light, the moon illuminated Mr. Crispy, her old stuffed dolphin. He had been deemed Mr. Crispy after he had been set on fire during an environmental display for the science fair of 1996. A group of elementary school bullies had thought her display of the water's ecosystem was unworthy of receiving third place, and had crammed the stuffed dolphin (then 'Mr. Squeak') into Kristopher Kolar's volcano display and had used a lighter to create fireworks. Emma had cried for hours, scrubbing the 'lava' from his glass eyes, re-stuffing where the fire had ripped down one side. One side ended up Crispier than the other, and it became a mutant dolphin. Spike had insisted the thing go in the garbage, but instead, Emma hid him amongst her other stuffed toys from the past.

The silence was unbearable.

"Mr. Crispy, what am I gonna do...I can't sleep." She stared deep into the dolphin's glass eye (a pink button replaced the other).

"Call him." a transparent voice said tenderly.

Emma opened her eyes as wide as saucers. Had Mr. Crispy just spoken to her! Was she that tired? She shook the dolphin, waiting stupidly for it to speak again, but it was silent.

_I'm imagining things...I'm imagining things..._

The dolphin had a strange wild grin on its mutated face. Emma shivered and quickly shoved it under her bed, readjusting her blankets and turning to look again at the clock.

_4:51 a.m._

She reached over and clicked her lamp on, wincing when the light flooded the silent room. She sat up in bed and stretched her long legs, yawning. She hadn't slept all night, and she had an appointment today. Deep inside, she wished the whole thing would just come and pass, get it over with so she could resume life. She was excited and fearful all at once.

Groaning aloud, she flung herself back on the bed. Again, she looked at the clock. Jay's last words hung in her mind.

"_Just call me." _

Emma bit her lip and reached over for her cell phone on the night stand. She flipped open the top, not forgetting to look at the time again, and then accessing her phone book, pressing 'enter' on Jay's name. For what seemed like hours, his number looked back at her on the phone, her finger hovering in anticipation over the 'send' key. She grew frustrated with herself and quickly snapped it shut, looking at it in her hands, and repeating the process.

_He probably won't even answer._

_He'll probably hang up, if he does..._

Closing her eyes, she tapped the key, and listened as the phone rang.

It rang.

It rang.

It...

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Jay's blue eyes shot open as a loud noise jolted him into consciousness. He blinked for a moment, raising up on his elbows in his bed, swearing loudly. He reached blindly into his jacket pocket on the floor. Immediately the room was illuminated a little by the glowing white caller ID. Being that he couldn't make out the number on the phone through his sleep-laden eyes anyways, he pressed a button and groaned into the receiver.

"Mm..yeah?" he breathed.

"Jay, hi. I didn't think you'd answer." Jay grimaced and looked at the clock, trying to see the numbers, to no avail.

"Emma. Why did you call if you didn't think I'd answer?" he asked, logic coming back to him. There was silence on her end as she attempted to formulate an answer. Jay sighed.

"Never mind. What time is it?"

"Uhm..hold on. It's 4:59." she said sheepishly. Jay rolled his eyes. He choked back a snort.

"You nervous?" he asked her.

"Do you think you can come pick me up?" she said.

"Yeah, I told you I would. When?"

"Now."

"Now? Emma it's five in the morning!" Jay whined.

"I know, but...maybe we could drive around for a while."

"The appointment's not until two-something." Jay sighed, and shuffled about, propelling himself out of the bed. "What about your folks?" He picked up a pair of khakis that hung from the drawer. He was used to dressing in the dark.

"I'll sneak out. They won't know."

"Yeah they will, Em, you have to get past them to go to school, remember?" Jay said. He heard a long, drawn out sigh on her end and grinned. "Hey, hey. You're the boss. Gimme 10, ok?"

"Okay. Thanks. I uh..."

"Hmm?" Jay said, concentrating on the gentle hum of the fan above his head.

"Love you."

A moment passed and she hung up. Jay stared at the lit up phone for a moment, stunned. That wasn't fair.

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The streets in Toronto were practically empty at this hour, a few early morning commuters speeding down the roads, headlights washing everything in white and yellow. Jay vigorously rubbed his face, trying to wake up, while shifting gears, adjusting the air temperature, choosing the radio station, simultaneously.

He pulled to the curb across the street from Emma's house, flickering the headlights, knowing she wouldn't see them from the angle he was parked at, but, well...it made him feel conspicuous like a spy. And he liked that.

A figure came padding quietly across the dewy lawn in the dark, and slipped into the seat, a vibrant smile on her face. She smiled at his disheveled face.

"Good morning."

"Hmph." he grunted, but then smirked a little bit. "Breakfast?"

"Why yes! Yes, I would love breakfast, how _gentlemanly_ of you." Jay looked at her, noting the sarcasm, and nodded.

"So, are you awake?" Emma said, straightening her grey long corduroy skirt out, and propping her boots on the dash.

"Hey! I'm awake enough to know I don't want your feet on my newly waxed dashboard. Put those down." When she resisted, he pulled them off himself, nearly hitting another garbage can. Emma giggled a little.

"Are _you_ awake?" he said.

"Yeah...I have been all night." Jay looked over at her, mildly concerned.

"Don't worry, Emma. It'll all be fine. Just chill."

"I never thought _you'd_ be trying to comfort me." Emma said, trying to hide the smile creeping over her lips.

"Me either." He turned in to the first diner he saw with a neon 'open' sign and parked.

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After eating, the two sped up and down the roads, stopped to re-fuel, and fought over the radio station, finally making their way out of the suburbs onto the highway. The tentative couple seemed for the first time in history to be in perfect sync. Perhaps it was the waves of fatique that came over them that made them mentally desperate to just get along for one day, or perhaps there really was more there than either gave the 'relationship' credit for.

Emma pulled her feet into the seat and leaned back, enjoying the moment of peace. She enjoyed the feel of the cool headrest against her cheek as she looked out the window, the gentle blowing of the heat coming from the vents. The hum of traffic provided the background noise to her thoughts. The landscape of the highway whirred by, and the low sun was barely breaking through the treeline, creating an orange streak in motion across the sky.

_There was a time, when everybody was around and I was dancing with you._

_We all went down to the party Friday night and had a drink or two._

_A what a hit, of your loving heartbeat, it's electricity!_

_Majestic sound! 'Round and 'round and 'round, glad you're next to me._

_Feel my heartbeat, trembling to the beat like a symphony..._

_Feel my heartbeat, trembling to the beat like a melody..._

A thumping dance song came on the station Emma had chosen (it had been her turn, after all) and she sang aloud with a light warble that was always slightly off-key, but still delicate and well, pretty. Jay looked over at her, the girl who had been the passenger in his car, the passenger who caused him all this trouble, for months. The only one he had wanted to be around, and he didn't know why. Her blonde hair drifted out the window, her toe tapping to the beat that made his bass rumble against the sound of air rushing in the car. She had a smile on her face, her brown eyes warm and tender, sleepy and aloof.

He couldn't put his finger on what it was exactly that made him feel so helpless. Perhaps the loose and shaky bond they had formed had been all due to that face that she was pregnant with his kid. That when he stepped in that office with her, it would all be decided, the fate would be sealed. He would be a father.

The connection had been formed.

They had been linked.

How iniquitous it all seemed, to have five minutes of good sex without a condom, and end up linked to another human being you didn't care all that much for at the time, for _life_.

A simple act had changed everything, the course of three lives.

A boy who drifted from one thrill to another without any responsibility, but to his car, who had put very little thought into the concept of the future.

A girl who was worlds apart from him in mental makeup, a girl who had come close to him in all the wrong ways, in what she considered the 'mistake of a decade', and now was being thrust just as violently into adulthood without warning.

A child whose existence may or may not be welcomed at this point, who may or may not have a good home, good parents...

He longed to break into her mind, see if she was as scared as he was deep down. He felt the need to say something, the search for words wasn't easy.

"Emma," Jay breathed.

"Yeah?" she said casually.

"Did you mean it?"

"Mean what?" she questioned, glancing at him before directing her gaze back out the window. Jay focused on the diminishing tree line and road in the rear view mirror.

"That you uh, loved me." Emma stared thoughtfully at him.

"Yeah, I did."

"Well, you shouldn't." His voice grew rough.

"Why? They're my feelings, Jay."

"Because I'm not...you know, good for you." Emma looked at him, surprised. "Well, I mean, look at what happened last year."

"It was a mistake we _both_ made, and every action has consequences." He scowled. This wasn't right, this was the part where she agreed, he retorted, and they both volleyed insults back and forth. Instead, she was being...mature. Damn her.

"Well, I don't think it was a mistake."

"Pardon me?" she said, incredulously. Jay swallowed, again, looking for the right thing to say.

"You're here now, aren't you?" he looked briefly at her, with bright blue eyes, before turning his attention back to the road.

"What?" he groaned internally. She was determined to make him elaborate.

"It's uh, open to interpretation." Emma smiled, knowingly and looked away, satisfied.

They made their way into lower metropolitan Toronto toward the lake shore. The dawn had broken about an hour ago, and the traffic was becoming heavier. Jay pulled to the curb by the lake front park. He looked at Emma, who held a questioning gleam in her eyes.

"I'm tired." he said, yawning.

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"Are you going to go to college?" Emma asked Jay as they laid on his jacket. She dug her peach coloured fingertips into the wet, dark sand, idly enjoying the crunchy feeling between her fingers. The peaceful sound of lapping water and joggers panting with their dogs echoed in her mind. The clouds were high, and she was happy it wasn't raining. Jay was silent for a moment, and she thought perhaps he had fallen asleep, until she heard his rustling around.

"I don't think so."

"Why not?" she said, turning onto her elbow to see his face. Above them a bird glided effortlessly against the pink and orange skies. The skies reflected in the glassy surface of his eyes.

"Can't afford it. I mean, my brother and I are pretty much _just making it_, and whatever cash I get goes to bills and shit."

"What about your parents?" Emma never knew Jay had a brother.

"My mom, she sends me and Shawn a check every month."

"What about your dad?" Emma asked, prodding deeper.

"I don't have a father." he said, annoyed.

"I didn't know." Emma said softly. Maybe there was a lot about Jay she didn't know.

"Because I didn't tell you." he snapped. Emma took the hint and laid back down, flat on the jacket-covered sand. Jay cleared his throat and spoke again.

"Well, with the kid and all, I don't think either of us can for a while." Emma felt sadness tug at her heart. She had wanted to go to college. She wanted to study to be a biologist. Maybe even teach. Since she was so opinionated and outspoken, Snake had told her she'd make a great instructor.

"I'm sorry." he said after a moment.

"Me too." Emma wiped a tear from her eye, longing for the futures that they could have had. "What would you study?"

"Hmm?"

"If you could go." Emma clarified. Jay turned over onto his stomach and rested his chin on the soft ground.

"I don't know...maybe business...or music."

"Music!" she blurted out. "What do _you_ know about music?"

"I used to play."

"Play what?"

"Music."

"What instrument?" she said, louder, getting annoyed.

"A musical one."

"Damnit, Jay..."

"What?" he defended.

"What did you play?" she asked again.

"I only played for a few years. It doesn't matter, I don't anymore."

"So why do you want to study it?"

"For my mom. She wishes I still played." Jay said, a moment of tenderness creeping out into his voice.

"Oh." Emma got the feeling he was close to her. Silence played between them, and finally, Jay, weary of emotional exploration bullshit and general awake-ness, fell into a light slumber on the beach by the lake. His breathing became even, and Emma knew it was safe. She reached out and brushed her fingers over his cheek, which was warm in sleep. She could feel his breath. She removed his hat, and put it over her own head to shield her from the sun. He blinked a little, but then settled down and resumed his rest.

For the first time, she didn't see Jay Hogart as a life-ruiner, a bastard who had degraded her on many levels, but as a real human being who had made a mistake. He was capable of learning, and though she suspected his pleasant-enough behaviour was simply to pacify her anxiety over the examination, she was finally able to see some humanity in him, something to justify the fact that she, indeed, loved him.

And everything was perfect.

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The ride back to town was tense. Jay and Emma were mostly silent, except when communicating what food they wanted for lunch.

Sitting in the parking lot in front of the Littleton Toronto OB/Gyn building, neither wanted to make the first move to get out of the car. Emma scanned the lot for Snake's little red Mazda, finding it on the far end towards the street. _They must be inside, _ she thought.

Finally, Emma opened the car door, unbuckled her seatbelt, and got up, waiting for Jay to follow suit. Thunder rattled lightly overhead, the rain arriving earlier than had been predicted. She hated fall in TO, it always rained it seemed. At least this year. Jay slid out, and joined Emma at her side, his hand lightly brushing her back, in a gesture he would hope read as comforting. She opened the door and met the mildly accusatory glances of her parents.

"Em, where were you?" Spike said.

"Jay came to pick me up early, I was nervous so we drove around for a while." she stated honestly. Jay was surprised at how mature she sounded. "I'm sorry I made you worry."

"Just go sign in over there at the desk. The doctor said he'd see you as soon as you got in." Snake said, putting an arm around his daughter. He smiled weakly at Jay, who reached his hand out in return. Snake took it and shook it firmly.

"Nervous?" Snake said, trying to make small talk to ease the tension.

"No sir...just anxious to see."

"Gotcha." Snake said.

"Is Em excited?" Spike asked.

"I think she is," Jay said, looking at Emma at the desk talking to the receptionist. "She's pretty nervous. But I'm sure she'll be glad to have this out of the way."

"She paged Dr. Mason, he should be here..." Emma strode up to her family, just as a young man in a white jacket came up to them.  
"Miss Nelson?" he asked, hopefully.

"Yes, that's me. You are...?"

"Dr. Mason." He stuck his hand out, and she shook it briefly. "If you'd follow me?" And they did.

"Honey, we're gonna wait in here. Let us know if you need us." Spike said, holding Snake back by the arm.

"But Mom," Emma protested.

"No, you and Jay do this. Don't worry, it's fine. And I wanna see the ultrasound!" Spike said. Emma nodded and felt thankful for her supportive mother. Snake smiled and waved her on. Jay took Emma's hand and they followed the doctor down the corridor into a small examination room.

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Jay sat in the small orange chair in the corner of the room, fidgeting with his hands, watching Emma sit on the paper covered leather exam table. The doctor sat on a small rolling stool, looking over some records.

"Now it's time for paperwork. Fun fun." he joked.

"Um, my mom and I filled out the paperwork at the front desk, should I have brought that?"

"No, Miss Nelson, that's all insurance paperwork. We need to document some personal information." he was silent for a moment as he adjusted his glasses. He was young, no older than 30. She suddenly felt uncomfortable.

"When was your last menstrual cycle?" She felt her cheeks irrationally burn with embarrassment that Jay was here, listening to all this.

"Um, late May." The doctor did some configurations in his head.

"You're in your second trimester? Have you had any care before coming here?"

"No, sir." He grunted a response.

"Alright, about your family..."

Dr. Mason proceeded to ask a long list of questions about her family's medical history, about the genetic history of chromosomal disorders. The only thing she had much to say about was Snake's cancer, but the doctor dismissed it since he wasn't her biological father.

"Okay, Miss Nelson, we need to do a pelvic exam, and a physical. Would you like Mr. Hogart to stay? If not, I will ask a nurse to come." Emma blushed.

"No, I'd prefer a nurse." She looked pleadingly at Jay. He felt a bit dejected, but understood why she did it. He would have been furious to see the man poking around inside her. He gave a deathly passing glance to the doctor as he left the room to stand in the hallway, instead of the waiting room where he was instructed to go.

The doctor performed a Pap smear, a culture to check for STDs after learning of the gonorrhea, tested her breasts for cancer, and took her height and weight. He stalked about in the room as she got dressed behind the curtain. When she emerged, he looked at her and took his glasses off.

"You've remained very slim for a pregnant woman." he said, sadly. "Have you had any vaginal bleeding during the course of your pregnancy?" Emma's heart began pounding. Shouldn't he be a little more excited after the money they were paying him, about her pregnancy? She sat on the leather 'couch' and thought.

"Yes, about a month ago, I did, while I was playing volleyball."

"I see." he said, marking the paper.

"What's wrong?"

"Any cramping?" he asked.

"Yes. What's wrong, doctor?"

'Was the cramping followed by the bleeding?"

"Yes.."

"Have you, you know..._felt_ pregnant, for lack of better words?" He asked softly.

"In my head I have, but I mean..." A realization came upon her. "No...I haven't"

He looked down at the papers.

"We need to do an ultrasound." He rose up and gathered his paperwork. "Follow me."

Emma briefly thought of her mother, but dismissed it, as her fears gathered. Jay was standing outside, and followed her wordlessly down the hall. He grabbed her hand, but she shook it off angrily.

Emma laid on the table by the console, having removed her skirt, and pulled her shirt up to the middle of her torso. No need to get carried away since she didn't have a belly. The technician came in to operate it.

Everything was a blur.

The white ceiling, the walls that seemed to close in, her heartbeat that took over.

"Calm, Miss Nelson." The doctor said, assisting the technician. A cold white device glided on to her stomach. Jay stood next to her, looking down into her face. It searched for a clue about what was going on. She just pushed the tears back as the doctor sighed.

She looked at the black screen and let out a sob that confirmed her fears. The doctor spoke softly, sadly.

"There's no heartbeat."

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Well, yes, it sucked big time. It was too fast, the exam scene. I wanted to capture how slowly the wait passed, but how quickly Jay and Emma's world pretty much fell down. This confirms our fears, Emma has had a miscarriage.

I hope I won't lose all of my readers though, because this happens in real life, to real people. The story will be a little dark for a few chapters, but it will get better. Just trust me, I know where I'm going now. It will be interesting to see Jay's reaction to the loss of his baby. And if there were any inconsistencies with the exam and real life, forgive me, I'm not an expert. Oh, and the song featured was "Heartbeat" by Annie.

Stay with me, guys.

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	14. Not A Pretty Girl

**Not A Pretty Girl:Alchemy Dream**

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**A/N:** Hark! Is that me actually updating this? Has it really been a month, guys? I hope everyone is doing great! Thank you all for your patience with me, here. I really needed that break. It helped me to get away from the characters, the story, everything. If you haven't yet, give my newest, "Insatiable" a shot! It's kinda different than the other EmJays I've written, and far sexier. I'm super-stressed out right now, because of my drawing for illustration class...which is more like "drawing for i-should-have-been-a-doctor"...So without further ado, here goes! (And by the way, the song in this, the namesake of my story, is performed by Ani Difranco. You should give it a listen.)

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_I am not a pretty girl. That is not what I do._

At first glance, one might have decided she was an angel. Mist fluctuated around her shoulders, bouncing from her loosely folded arms creating an aura around her. Jay stood silent at the doors, staring out at the girl on the sidewalk.

She had stood there for almost a half hour, wanting no one around her, nothing to touch her. He had just watched her, unsure of what to say or do, unable to find the words to express what he felt. His girlfriend had had a miscarriage.

Jay had no idea what that meant, but through context clues had put together that somehow Emma had lost the baby a month or so ago. He was overwhelmed with a series of negative emotions he'd never experienced, the kind that come up in the form of bile and exit through your lips as you hover over the hospital toilet, unable to comprehend how quickly things are shifting in the world.

And he felt incredibly selfish.

Sucking in a shaky breath, he adjusted his hat to shield his face as he strode into the storm to at least try to understand what she was feeling. No words would form as he gripped her shaky, cold, wet shoulders. Emma sniffed loudly, trembling from cold and something else, and brought a wet hand to run through her wet blonde hair. Everything was so...damp.

_I ain't no damsel in distress, and I don't need to be rescued._

He licked his lips and looked up into the dark afternoon sky, pulling her back towards him, resting his chin on the top of her head. She spoke first.

"Well, I guess you're free, Jay." Her voice was filled with anguish and sarcasm.

"What?"

"You don't have to pretend, you don't have to do..." she turned and gestured at the two of them "...this." Jay just pulled her closer, ghosting his thumb along her spine.

"Em..." she cut him off.

"I didn't even really _want_ it that much! God, I mean, I just...why does it hurt so much?" Jay didn't know quite how to answer, so he said the most obvious thing.

"I don't know."

The two stood in the rain for a little while, before Jay tried to direct her inside. She would not budge.

"Emma, you'll get sick."

"I don't care," she said softly.

"Emma," Jay warned.

"I DON'T FUCKING CARE, Jay!" she screamed, the pain in her voice causing his heart to squeeze.

"I'm just trying to help you, Emma! Let me help you! I'm...I'm part of this too!"

"You don't have to be, Jay! Why don't you just..._leave_!" she said.

"Why do I have to leave, Emma? It was mine, too! Don't you think I feel a little, just a _little_ bad, too?" Emma sighed, trying to imagine what he was feeling.

"I...I know, Jay. It's just, I don't know what to do. I mean, I, we had all these plans, and now..."

"Now, you have so many options open, Emma," Jay said, pulling her into a hug, squeezing her back. She looked at him confused, but continued to hug him. Jay sighed. "How do I put it...I mean, you wanted to go to college, right? Maybe this was some crazy...preordained _thing_. Maybe you and I...you and I and a kid, just wasn't supposed to be." Emma pulled away for a moment.

"Jay...I would give up college to be able to do this," she said, hopeful. Jay pushed her further away.

"Emma, no. No. You don't mean that. You're so much better than this. Than...me. You know? Maybe under...different circumstances this could work," Jay sucked in a breath, fighting the water in his right eye, "but...maybe this is what was supposed to happen. Maybe we...weren't." Emma stood for a second, letting a small, maniacal smile creep to her lips. Jay looked into the shaking eyes, the tears blending with rain, the sad, knowing smile on her pale, chapped lips.

"You want this." Jay began to shake. "How come I couldn't _see_ it? You want this to all end." Emma reached forward and pushed him hard on the shoulders, and Jay stumbled back into a puddle. "You don't want me anyways." She looked at him and shook her head angrily.

"Em..."

"Don't _call _me that! Don't ever call me that!"

_So put me down, punk. Wouldn't you prefer a maiden fair? Isn't there a kitten stuck up a tree somewhere?_

"Emma, look. I mean...I'm trying so hard here, I don't know what's going on at all! No one will tell me what's happening to you! It just seems to me that I've done something wrong! Maybe it's my fault that it..."

He couldn't bear to say it. _Died._

"It isn't your fault, Jay! It's just a genetic thing, it couldn't have been stopped anyways!"

"What if something's WRONG with me?" Jay shouted, unable to control his emotions. Emma was taken aback. She had never dreamed that Jay was insecure, that he had these types of feelings.

"Jay..." Emma said as she moved closer to him, moving to touch his cheeks. She almost cried when she noticed a tear slide down his pained face.

_I am not an angry girl! But it seems like I've got everyone fooled._

_Everytime I say something they find hard to hear, they chalk it up to my anger, and never their own fear!_

_Imagine you're a girl, just trying to finally come clean, knowing full well they'd prefer you were dirty, and smiling. _

"I'm sorry. Look..." he said, pulling Emma into what he knew would be their last embrace, breathing in the scent of her hair, taking all of her in, "look, Emma. Get a ride home with your folks...call me if you need me. You're a pretty girl, Emma. You're a pretty girl. You'll find someone, something. It just can't be me." He offered her a sad smile and a chaste peck on the forehead before turning to pull his keys from his pocket, striding hurriedly across the clinic parking lot. He choked back a private sob, a feeling he'd never felt in his life, and looked up into heaven, the now heavy drops soaking his already soaked blue eyes. He pursed his lips as he heard her jogging towards him.

"Wait! What do you mean, Jay? What do you mean 'I'm a pretty girl'? What the hell is that?" she cried out, almost reaching him in time, but he slammed the door and locked her out of the car, starting the engine, and pulling out of the lot. _It's for the best, Emma, _Jay thought to himself, pushing back his emotions.

_And I am sorry, but I am not a maiden fair, and I am not a kitten stuck up a tree somewhere._

Emma watched, shaking, _trembling_ as the little red civic roared out into the storm, leaving her soaked and alone. She swallowed and her breathing became hard and strained.

"I'm not a pretty girl! I'M NOT A PRETTY GIRL!" she shouted to no one at all, as she sat down in the puddle, sobbing and screaming. "I'm not a pretty girl!"

Soon her words became a muddled mantra and hard to understand, and her shoulders heaved, and her body shook, and her hands grabbed at her hair, and the tears streamed down her face, and her tongue licked away the blood from her lip.

_And generally my generation wouldn't be caught dead working for the man, but the trouble is you gotta have yourself an alternate plan. _

_And I have earned my disillusionment! _

_I have been working all of my life!_

_And I am a patriot, I have been fighting the good fight!_

_And what if there are no damsels in distress?_

_What if I knew that and I called your bluff?_

_Don't you think every kitten figures out how to get down,_

_Whether or not you ever show up!_

_I wanna be more than a pretty girl._

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She wanted to wash her skin off. She would have bathed in _acid_ had she known it would work.

Standing in the shower, allowing the scalding water to burn her flesh, Emma focused her tired brown eyes on a fixed point against the cream coloured tiles in front of her. She had taken three showers since getting home, each ending in tears and a hot cup of tea brought in from her mother. She wanted to wash all the memories of her mock-pregnancy away, she wanted to scrub herself until there was nothing left. She felt so tainted, so dirty, so...robbed. And so alone.

As quickly as they both had come into her life, they had both left. Physically and emotionally.

_There's nothing left._

Squeezing her eyes shut, Emma pressed her forehead against the humid tile. A sigh escaped her lips as the water began running cold. The end of another escape. But she would wait. Just as she always waited, for the water to become frigid, until she shook with violent chills, reliving the day. It had become a quick routine, something to remind her of what all she had lost within the period of an hour. She heard a knock on the bathroom door. Emma listened through the spray at her mother's voice.

"Em...I know you don't want to, but if you need to, or want to talk, then please...oh, and the doctor gave us the release papers, if you," her voice became small and weak, "want to know what happened..."

After a few moments, she heard the feet pad back into the distance, and Emma bit her lip. She didn't want to face her family. She didn't want to look at papers that spelled out scientifically that her baby had died.

_Gosh, I didn't even get to find out if it was a girl or boy..._

Emma closed her eyes again, as fresh tears ran down her face. She had everything planned out. Her and Manny and Jay were all going to celebrate tonight, celebrate that Emma and Jay were going to bring a new life into the world, no matter how reluctantly. And now, it all seemed so far away.

Emma slid the shower door open, drying herself thoroughly, her skin red from the harsh toweling. She put on her long pj pants and a long t-shirt with a hooded sweatshirt and twisted her uncombed, wet hair into a messy ponytail. Pausing for a moment, she peeked out the bathroom door, noting that Snake and Spike were all in the kitchen eating. Emma slid on socks, to add to her stealth, and crept down the hallway into the living room. On the coffee table sat the release papers. She froze, and shook her head violently. What had she been thinking, of course they wouldn't know the gender, the baby had been lost unconsciously when the bleeding had occurred. Turning on her heel, she made her way back down to her basement room. A tug on her pants stopped her in her tracks. She turned and was met with the innocent eyes of her baby brother.

"Emmiiiee..." he said, more about question than acknowledgment. Emma smiled wearily.

"Jaccckkkiiieee."

"Emm, why're you..." he pointed to her room.

"I don't feel so good tonight, Jackie." Emma smiled. Jack wasn't satisfied.

"I feel sad tonight, Jackie." Jack waddled forward a little and clung to her leg, resting his chubby face against her knee.

"Why?"

"Because I lost something." Emma said, trying to push back the tears. She couldn't cry in front of him.

"I lost my bear..." Jack said, trying to help. Emma smiled a little.

"I have some in my room, if you want we can find you one." Jack brightened up with a smile.

"Okie."

The pair walked to her room, hand in hand, and Emma directed her baby brother to a basket of animals. Jack began going though them, eventually settling on a stuffed velveteen rabbit, an old one with a missing eye and split seams in the rear end. Jack smiled mischievously and jumped onto her bed with a squeal.

"Jackie, you better get to bed! Mama, and Emmie too, are really tired." Emma just wanted the boy to go away. He reminded her of Jay, in child form, and of how it would feel to be a mother. She didn't want to see children. She didn't want to hear them, hear their mother's proud happy voices, she didn't want to imagine packing lunches for them in Batman boxes, of helping them with times tables. She just wanted to be alone. Unconscious. Jack looked up at her.

"Night, Emm. I love you." Emma picked him up and transported him back to his room. He yawned a little, and rolled over to sleep with the soft bunny. Emma wiped a few tears from her eyes in the dark.

"Goodnight, Jack."

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Emma collapsed into her warm blankets and sobbed. It was ridiculous, all this crying. She was sure that it was only natural, but she felt selfish and stupid. Turning the bedside lamp off, she flung herself around a little, frustrated.

She felt like dying.

_I just want to die._

Emma had never felt suicidal before, she had always been so positive. She didn't even know how to feel suicidal. She had known people who had cut themselves, people who had attempted to suffocate themselves with pillows...but she had never felt that extreme about her distaste with life. She had no way out. Her cell phone rang for the eighth time in the last hour. She sighed, exasperated and picked it up from the table. The caller ID blinded her in the dark.

_Nine missed calls.  
_Manny, Manny, Manny, J.T., Manny, Manny, Manny, Private, Hogart.

_Hogart!_

Emma noticed the voice mail icon blinking and pressed all the necessary buttons to hear his voice.

She curled up in a sobbing ball as she listened.

_Em..Emma, this is Jay. Look...I don't know what's gonna happen. I don't, I can't predict the future. I just know I can't be alone tonight." _

Click.

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Well, there we go. Not as good as it could have been, but I hope that it kinda captured the anguish...I hope you enjoyed it regardless. Reviews are love! XOXO


	15. Until The Day I Die

**Not A Pretty Girl:Alchemy Dream**

**A/N:** OMG, guys. Another update. Like, a month later. We've come a long way, right? Things are about to get really interesting with this story. Haha, I hope you all haven't abandoned it yet. I promised, right? I hope you're prepared for a pretty saccharine chapter here. I've been pretty sick lately, and I've been writing fluffy stuff like crazy. Weird. So anyways, here is the updated song list for you guys. New people? I'm creating a list of inspirational songs for my fic. Some of them are pretty good. Give them a listen. I like to think I have good taste in music. And special thanks to Castalma2010 for sharing her voice on things. Mwah, dahling.

Oh, and 'EatMySox' is the best name EVER. No questions asked.

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Chapter 1 - "We're Going To Be Friends" - The White Stripes

Chapter 2 - "Coming Up" - Ani Difranco

Chapter 3 - "Milkshake" - Kelis

Chapter 4 - "Something For Windy" - Bonobo

Chapter 5 - "Love Thing" - Joe Satriani

Chapter 6 - "Portions For Foxes" - Rilo Kiley

Chapter 7 - "Collide" - Howie Day

Chapter 8 - "It's Been Awhile" - Staind

Chapter 9 - "Sugar, We're Going Down" - Fall Out Boy

Chapter10 - "Don't Be Cruel" - Bobby Brown

Chapter11 - "As Lovers Go" - Dashboard Confessional

Chapter12 - "Can't Stand Losin' You" - The Police

Chapter13 - "Heartbeat" - Annie

Chapter14 - "Not A Pretty Girl" - Ani Difranco

Chapter15 - "Until The Day I Die" - Story Of The Year

**Summary**: No one quite knows what to say about it. No one knows what to do when there's nothing to be done. But Jay knows that no matter what happens in the direct future, he cannot be alone tonight.

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It had become so easy for her.

Stuff pillows under her quilts, shut out the lights, climb up on the boxes and out the window. Out into the world. She just kept making the same mistakes it seemed. With the same boy.

Emma sat, silent in the passenger seat of the Civic, feeling the heat caress her face gently. She didn't know or care where he was taking her. She just knew that he was taking her away. Through the blurriness of her eyes, she saw the wind sweeping trees sideways in the blustery rain, slick pavement drifting under and away from her vision as he drove carefully, for once, down the suburban streets. Emma hastily wiped her eyes and looked over at Jay, who had been silent since coaxing her to come with him. He seemed markedly focused on the road, on the hypnotising windshield wipers that lulled the interior of the car into a calming rhythm. She closed her eyes and absorbed the sounds of driving.

Windshield wipers scraping the glass, squeaking every now and then. The light click of a turn signal, and the pavement under the tires as they turned. The sound of shifting, of the clutch being pressed in, of wind racing outside them, of drops striking the glass. And then the sound of Jay cursing.

"Damnit!"

Emma looked up and blinked a little.

"What?"

"I have to get gas. Do you mind?" he said, pulling into the nearest station and under the metal roof.

Emma chuckled sarcastically, "No, not if it means getting to our destination."

Jay looked over at her, tired and worried.

"Are you going to be okay for a minute?" he asked warmly, patting his pocket instinctually for his wallet. Emma rolled her eyes and nodded sharply.

"Do you want anything?"

"No. Thanks," she said, pulling the latch on the door. Jay looked at her funny, cocking an eyebrow.

"What are you doing?"

"Can I not get out of the car? I just need...some air," she said, sliding out of the seat, nonchalantly. Jay looked down as a loud beeping noise broke the silence. He looked, annoyed, at the caller ID. Spinner.

"It's Spin," he said, and he didn't know why. Emma shrugged and began wandering around the covered area of the gas station.

"Hello?"

"Hey, how are you, sweetheart?" Jay pulled the phone away, looking at the phone strangely.

"Spin?"

"You missed practice, you dick head. I had to hang out with Craig and Marco for two hours, under their _direction_, as they put it," Spinner said, exasperated. Jay sighed loudly as he punched a few buttons and unscrewed his gas cap.

"I forgot. Totally," he said, placing the nozzle into the hole, and pressed down, leaning on his car as the tank filled. "Look, just...give me a few days to dry out," and immediately, he knew he's said too much.

"Dry out? From what?"

Emma shuffled her feet around, kicking at the gravel. A few drops on her nose informed her that she had stepped outside of the metal roof, and was heading towards the street. She just kept walking.

Why had she decided to go with him? Wasn't this how it had all started? Was her life just looping, a skipping CD that would never get off a certain moment in the song? Hadn't she left that night when she should have been at Dracula rehearsal to meet Jay? Hadn't she done it night after night? Didn't that lead to her getting gonorrhea? Getting pregnant? And now...

She couldn't even cry anymore. Her body was empty. There was nothing left. She had expected some kind of reconciliation between her and Jay when they met. But it was only silence, only a vacuum of lost words and unspoken apologies. There was no comfort, only distance and regret. There was emptiness in her body, where the child had been, and her heart, where Jay had been. She had lost everything. It didn't seem right to live. And suddenly, she was standing in the middle of the road. The highway. And it was coming.

Everything was slow motion in her mind. The semi truck laying on the horn, the sound of feet padding violently across the gravel, rocks flying up behind his feet. She could see Jay's mouth moving, but couldn't make out the words. His face was contorted in fear, and his arms swung back and forth, tossing the phone to the ground. Emma looked questioningly at him. Wasn't he on the phone with Spinner? Had Spinner made him mad? Why was Jay running at her? She saw his eyes prick with fear, water glazing those beautiful blue eyes as he ran in the night. Why was he so bright? Like an angel? Emma smiled sadly, imagining that in another lifetime, maybe Jay was an angel. Her angel. It was then that she turned to face the truck. It was less than eight meters from her, it's lights blinding her. She held a hand up to shield her eyes.

It had struck her to run.

It made sense to run.

But she couldn't run.

She could only stand still. And recite the Tao to herself. She closed her eyes, and stood. Her mind empty.

_Work towards emptiness and openness. _

_Cultivate stillness._

_Breathe harmony._

_Become tranquility._

_As the ten thousand things rise and fall, rise and fall,_

_just witness their return to the root. _

She must have repeated it twice, before something hard, but at the same time, tender impacted her body. She was briefly aware of a fleeting sound, of no longer being vertical. She felt the sensation of her skin, wet and gritty, of his arms, wide and encasing. Of his erratic breathing.

Emma and Jay just laid there for a moment, on the side of the highway, safe from traffic, wrapped against each other. Emma vaguely couldn't recall ever being so close to Jay. She smiled.

Jay, on the other hand was completely numb from fear. He couldn't feel his heart pounding out of his chest. He couldn't feel the warmth of their bodies enmeshed. He only felt relief wash over him when she stirred in his arms. He looked at her, just stand up from him, brush her clothes off, and offer him her hand. He blinked in disbelief, pushing himself up, and grabbing her shoulders, he shook her violently, as he shouted.  
"What the fuck were you doing! Standing in the middle of the highway! Have...have," he struggled to catch his breath, "have you lost your _fucking _mind, Emma!" Tears prickled at the corners of his eyes. Emma looked at him, her heart wrenching. He had just saved her life. She wasn't sure what to say. So she said the only thing that came to mind.  
"Thank you, Jay," and he sighed, exasperated, and pulled her into his arms, pressing her cheek against his. The grit was uncomfortable on them, but it was all perfect. A silent sob went unnoticed, and he let a tear fall. A 'thank you' was all she had offered. But somehow, it was enough.

_Until the day I die  
I'll spill my heart for you  
Until the day I die   
I'll spill my heart for you_

_As years go by  
I race the clock with you  
But if you died right now  
You know that I'd die to  
I'd die too..._

_You remind me of the times  
When I knew who I was  
But still the second hand will catch us  
Like it always does. _

_We'll make the same mistakes  
I'll take the fall for you  
I hope you need this now  
'cos I know I still do. _

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"Do you _have_ to smoke?" Emma asked as they drove down the street to Jay's house. Jay sighed.

"After that? You bet," he said, blowing the cigarette smoke from his lips. "At least it isn't pot."

"There's that," she said, thoughtfully. "I've never seen your house. Where is it?" Jay threw the butt out the window, and turned off the radio.

"Right here. Tandy Drive. And...there is someone there," Jay said, slowing down a little. There was a red and white striped car parked on the curb at his house. "Dammit, that's my parking spot."

He pulled into the driveway and backed out to park on the other side. Shawn always demanded the driveway be free for him to get out for work. Jay frowned when it dawned on him. He looked at the digital clock. 1:45 a.m. What was Spinner doing at his house at 1:45 a.m.? Had Shawn even let Spinner in? He looked at Emma once, before turning the key in the ignition, and grabbing his soiled jacket. He reached up to grab his hat, but soon realized it wasn't there. It must have been left on the highway when they had left. Emma followed suit, grabbing her purse and jumping out of the seat, locking the door. She held her bag over her head as the rain poured down, following Jay to the door of his house. He fumbled through the keys and yawned, hoping to get to sleep as soon as possible. Of course, with Spinner present, that wouldn't be soon. The door creaked as Jay opened it, and he and Emma slid soundlessly into the little house. Looking around, Jay noticed Shawn asleep on the couch, a slice of pizza laying on his face. He looked strangely at him, and then noticed Spinner also sound asleep on the other end, a game controller barely held in his limp hand, the other one on the carpet next to Shawn. His phone lay in his lap, having given up on calling Jay.

_Oh, right...my phone._ Jay thought back to the dead phone he had left in the gravel. He got a sleepy laugh out of the thought of it ringing, all alone at the gas station, or even better, some old bum answering it and taking to Spinner. His imagination was still stuck on the pizza planted on his brother's face.

_Wild party here, _he thought sarcastically.

And there was another body, wadded up with a blanket in the recliner. Jay squinted, but Emma got to it first.  
_"Manny?_" she whispered. Sure enough, Manny was cuddled up, in _Jay Hogart's_ house, snoozing away. Her long, black hair feel into her eyes, and she snored. Snored like there was no tomorrow. Jay shook his head, confused.

"Let's go. Don't wake them up," Jay whispered, shutting off the dim light, and flicking off Grand Theft Auto. Emma really wanted a shower, but couldn't argue with Jay's logic. If they woke the motley trio up, they would never get any rest. And that was what they both needed above anything else.

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"Well..let me give you the grand tour," Jay said, shutting the door quietly and locking it. Emma put her purse down on a spot that looked, well...clean. "There's the bed, and there's the closet. The end."

"It's not bad...it's very, _Jay_," Emma said, looking around. The walls had water stains from the leaking water heater, and there were clothes everywhere. Everywhere but the closet, where he stored big plastic tubs of car junk. There was a small twin sized bed with a wooden frame and a few quilts and cotton sheets. There were no tables, except the dresser. The alarm clock sat on the floor next the the plug. Emma kind of understood why Jay didn't spend loads of time hanging out here. It was really...bare.

"Make yourself at home. I'm going to go to sleep," he said, pulling his shirt over his head, "but you can do whatever you want."

"As if there's much to do," Emma snorted. She watched, enraptured, at the sight of Jay getting undressed. It had been so long since she had seen his bare flesh. Even when they had had sex, she had never seen anything. She had been blinded. But now, she looked at him, the warm colour of his back, the way the muscles moved over one another, the way the shoulder blades came together. The way his hair ruffled as he pulled it over his head. She felt a guilty flush come over her. Jay noticed her in the mirror, and turned to look at her.

"Are you going to come to bed?" he asked, uncharacteristically gently.

Emma felt flustered. Surely he wouldn't...not so soon. "I, uh..."

"I won't try anything. I'm not a fucktard, Emma," he said, and winced at his language. "That wasn't very eloquent, was it?" Jay moved to stand in front of her.

"I'm not stupid, Emma. I'd never," he said softly, "do...that." Emma just nodded.

"Okay..." Jay looked down at her dirty pajamas he had dragged her from her house in.

"Do you want something to wear?"

"That would be great," Emma said, nodding. Jay complied, going over to the drawer in the dresser, and shuffled through a few garments, before picking out a long sleeved button down flannel shirt. He threw it over to her, and turned away, towards the window, as she changed.

"Okay."

Jay turned, and looked at her.

_So beautiful._

He was in awe of how beautiful this girl, with dirt and gravel on her face, in her hair, in a flannel shirt looked.

"Is it okay if I take off my pants? Like, down to my boxers?" Emma blushed.

"Yeah, sure." Jay nodded and slid the loose khakis down his slim hips to the floor, revealing a pair of white cotton shorts. They contrasted beautifully with his tanned skin. He sat on the edge of the bed, scratching his shin, and slid between the blankets, holding them open for Emma.

"Oh, get the lights," Jay said. Emma walked over and turned the switch, and then slid into the bed, next to Jay. He propped himself up on his elbow and looked at her as she got comfortable. She turned to face him.

"What?"

"You're the stupidest girl I've ever met," Jay said, matter-of-factly. "I can't believe you did that. What were you thinking?"

Emma shrugged. "I dunno. I wouldn't have minded dying right then. I still wouldn't mind it," she said quietly. Jay looked hurt for a moment. He reached over and pulled her into his arms, resting his nose against hers. The rain patted loudly on the windows.

"How about now?" he asked. Emma was silent for a second.

"I think I'm okay now," Emma said. Jay chuckled a little, so tired he didn't care how stupid it sounded.

"You really are the most fucking stupid human being on this planet."

"But you still love me, Jay," Emma said, falling asleep quickly, as he gave her no response.

Jay waited until her breathing was light, and she was most certainly asleep.

"Yes, yes I do."

_Should I bite my tongue?  
Until blood soaks my shirt  
We'll never fall apart  
Tell me why this hurts so much ?_

_Until the day I die  
I'll spill my heart for you, for you  
Until the day I die  
I'll spill my heart for you _

IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII

Well, thanks for reading. Was it sweet enough? Too sweet? I don't know. I just can't write drama right now. Just...let them be in love for a little while. At least next chapter. Reviews are love! XOXO


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